So we turned our attention to my journals. I brought up what I had seen at the Botanic Gardens. Dr. Laurie said that while it's possible, it's also possible that I saw an insect with a coloration that made me think I was looking at a tiny person. I had already thought of that, so with his consensus we moved on. I was hesitant to tell him about what all was going on, and he noticed and prodded me.
So I told him about the video that Max had found, I told him about Hal's experiences, and what he thinks is going on. I told him I'm worried that if I start seeing things I won't be able to tell what's real and what's not. Dr. Laurie was fantastic, he said that even for people who don't have issues with hallucinations, we all have problems being able to tell what is real and what is not. He said that in his experience the most powerful method we have of discerning what is real is consensus. His recommendation to me was to find someone I could confide in, someone I can spend time with and be able to question what I'm seeing. That way if I'm not sure that what I'm seeing is real, I can ask them and they'd be able to offer some consensus.
He's known of Max for as long as I have, I've always talked about her, so his suggestion was to confer with her more. He was a more concerned about Hal. Dr. Laurie said that when people start worrying about conspiracies or believing they are part of conspiracies, it often shows that they need some help themselves. Though he admitted usually people thought they were the target of a conspiracy, he wasn't sure if anyone had ever believed themselves to be taking part in a conspiracy.
Dr. Laurie's final suggestion was that I start meeting with a shrink. His expertise allowed him to work on the tumor that might cause hallucinations. He didn't have the tools or methods to deal with the effects those hallucinations might have on me. He said there were a few in the area he'd be happy to recommend, and I now have a small list of shrink's to call.
I have to admit, it's scary to think I might need a shrink. But if I'm being honest with myself, it's probably the best thing I could do. I'm not crazy, at least I don't think so. But if I do start hallucinating, I might become crazy. A shrink would be someone who might be able to prepare me for my hallucinations and give me the tools to be able to identify them and work with them.
Of course, this all assumes that I will hallucinate. I could just go blind. Or not. Noone's sure what will happen, not three specialists in brain tumors. So Dr. Laurie was also right to ask me if I'd been working on my techniques for losing my sight. I admitted I hadn't been. He stressed that for all my worry about hallucinating, I should be more worried about going blind. If my hallucinations become too much, I might be put in a position where I can't rely on my vision even if I keep it.
He did remind me though that whatever happens, it'll happen slowly. My little death, even for having grown, is still growing at an incredibly slow rate. Whatever happens, I'll have plenty of time to identify and adjust. He said he'd be more worried if I go a long time without anything happening, because then it'd be more likely to have something sudden happen.
So either way I need to keep my journal.
As far as my dizzy spells went, he did agree that if they had become too common it was a good idea for me to call him. Considering my tumor growth though, he said it wasn't surprising to him that I had had more dizzy spells than usual. He compared my tumors to earthquakes, after shocks from my blackout. He said that my brain would have to adjust to the changes, and as it did I'd probably level off and go back to a regular rate of attacks. But with only a few weeks to go by, he said I shouldn't get my hopes up prematurely. Things always take time, and the new size of my little death might mean more dizzy spells.
There's no way to know. I hate that phrase, but at the same time I know its honest.
So we scheduled me next appointment in April, and he said that if I keep having difficulties with my dizzy spells I might up my dose by a pill every other time I take it. But if I do that, I need to record it. If he has to he'll write another prescription.
So all in all a good visit. I do like that he's as understanding as he is. I think another doctor might be judgmental about having friends who are into conspiracy theories. Since I had had scans taken in August we just took a cursory scan to make sure nothing had changed, and everything checked out. When I come back in April we'll be taking a complete set of scans to see how my little death is progressing.
Mom stopped by Bonnie Brae like we always do after an appointment and I was allowed to eat it on the couch watching Legion. Probably not the best show after a Dr's appointment, but I've been wanting to finish it. What a way to end the season! And of course the cliff hanger to bring people back for the next season. I was wondering how they'd do it.
Actually, I've got a lot of thoughts on the matter. If the Shadow King has been completely removed, that'd undoubtedly change David's memories. He's been troubled for as long as he can remember, and he's built strategies for dealing with his issues. For those issues to be so suddenly gone, his coping mechanisms can't also have been erased. This makes me think there should be other issues to come from this, issues that can't be solved with a cobbled together mind numbing device or whatever. He would need a shrink for those issues.
Again, kinda like me. Is it any wonder I identify with him so much?
I have to admit, I was expecting Syd to do something like she did. I wasn't sure how they'd bring it about, but her ability had to be pivotal.
Which brings me to the question of what to watch next. I've been avoiding watching Supernatural, got started on Legion since it was only eight episodes. But I was hoping to have a day or two where I could just binge the entire season. I'd hate to have waited this long and then still watch it one episode per week. Maybe I'll bring it up with Candace, she might enjoy it and if she'd watched it before it might trigger some memories. If not though, I might have to start all over with her. Which is not an unpleasant thought, but we'd have to get Netflix or something.
The other option is to turn back to Crunchyroll and see if there's anything more for RWBY. If not Max had made some other recommendations I could look up.
Oh well, I'll have Max and Candace tomorrow. We can talk about that while getting our Halloween on. Can't Wait!
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