October 18th, 2017

Went to visit Dr. Laurie today. Before I showed him my journals, he told me that he had sent my brain scans off to a couple of specialists he works with to see what they had to say about them. They regularly confer with each other so as not to rely solely on their individual opinions. The general consensus is that my little death has grown and is starting to put pressure on my visual cortex. They aren't sure what exactly it'll mean. My dizzy spells could become more common, I might go blind, I might start seeing things, or have my vision shaded a particular color. Or nothing could happen at all. They don't know, but this is something that I do need to be aware of and Dr. Laurie stressed that writing a journal would help them know how my case proceeds. The more they know, the better. Even if not for me.

So we turned our attention to my journals. I brought up what I had seen at the Botanic Gardens. Dr. Laurie said that while it's possible, it's also possible that I saw an insect with a coloration that made me think I was looking at a tiny person. I had already thought of that, so with his consensus we moved on. I was hesitant to tell him about what all was going on, and he noticed and prodded me.

So I told him about the video that Max had found, I told him about Hal's experiences, and what he thinks is going on. I told him I'm worried that if I start seeing things I won't be able to tell what's real and what's not. Dr. Laurie was fantastic, he said that even for people who don't have issues with hallucinations, we all have problems being able to tell what is real and what is not. He said that in his experience the most powerful method we have of discerning what is real is consensus. His recommendation to me was to find someone I could confide in, someone I can spend time with and be able to question what I'm seeing. That way if I'm not sure that what I'm seeing is real, I can ask them and they'd be able to offer some consensus.

He's known of Max for as long as I have, I've always talked about her, so his suggestion was to confer with her more. He was a more concerned about Hal. Dr. Laurie said that when people start worrying about conspiracies or believing they are part of conspiracies, it often shows that they need some help themselves. Though he admitted usually people thought they were the target of a conspiracy, he wasn't sure if anyone had ever believed themselves to be taking part in a conspiracy.

Dr. Laurie's final suggestion was that I start meeting with a shrink. His expertise allowed him to work on the tumor that might cause hallucinations. He didn't have the tools or methods to deal with the effects those hallucinations might have on me. He said there were a few in the area he'd be happy to recommend, and I now have a small list of shrink's to call.

I have to admit, it's scary to think I might need a shrink. But if I'm being honest with myself, it's probably the best thing I could do. I'm not crazy, at least I don't think so. But if I do start hallucinating, I might become crazy. A shrink would be someone who might be able to prepare me for my hallucinations and give me the tools to be able to identify them and work with them.

Of course, this all assumes that I will hallucinate. I could just go blind. Or not. Noone's sure what will happen, not three specialists in brain tumors. So Dr. Laurie was also right to ask me if I'd been working on my techniques for losing my sight. I admitted I hadn't been. He stressed that for all my worry about hallucinating, I should be more worried about going blind. If my hallucinations become too much, I might be put in a position where I can't rely on my vision even if I keep it.

He did remind me though that whatever happens, it'll happen slowly. My little death, even for having grown, is still growing at an incredibly slow rate. Whatever happens, I'll have plenty of time to identify and adjust. He said he'd be more worried if I go a long time without anything happening, because then it'd be more likely to have something sudden happen.

So either way I need to keep my journal.

As far as my dizzy spells went, he did agree that if they had become too common it was a good idea for me to call him. Considering my tumor growth though, he said it wasn't surprising to him that I had had more dizzy spells than usual. He compared my tumors to earthquakes, after shocks from my blackout. He said that my brain would have to adjust to the changes, and as it did I'd probably level off and go back to a regular rate of attacks. But with only a few weeks to go by, he said I shouldn't get my hopes up prematurely. Things always take time, and the new size of my little death might mean more dizzy spells.

There's no way to know. I hate that phrase, but at the same time I know its honest.

So we scheduled me next appointment in April, and he said that if I keep having difficulties with my dizzy spells I might up my dose by a pill every other time I take it. But if I do that, I need to record it. If he has to he'll write another prescription.

So all in all a good visit. I do like that he's as understanding as he is. I think another doctor might be judgmental about having friends who are into conspiracy theories. Since I had had scans taken in August we just took a cursory scan to make sure nothing had changed, and everything checked out. When I come back in April we'll be taking a complete set of scans to see how my little death is progressing.

Mom stopped by Bonnie Brae like we always do after an appointment and I was allowed to eat it on the couch watching Legion. Probably not the best show after a Dr's appointment, but I've been wanting to finish it. What a way to end the season! And of course the cliff hanger to bring people back for the next season. I was wondering how they'd do it.

Actually, I've got a lot of thoughts on the matter. If the Shadow King has been completely removed, that'd undoubtedly change David's memories. He's been troubled for as long as he can remember, and he's built strategies for dealing with his issues. For those issues to be so suddenly gone, his coping mechanisms can't also have been erased. This makes me think there should be other issues to come from this, issues that can't be solved with a cobbled together mind numbing device or whatever. He would need a shrink for those issues.

Again, kinda like me. Is it any wonder I identify with him so much?

I have to admit, I was expecting Syd to do something like she did. I wasn't sure how they'd bring it about, but her ability had to be pivotal.

Which brings me to the question of what to watch next. I've been avoiding watching Supernatural, got started on Legion since it was only eight episodes. But I was hoping to have a day or two where I could just binge the entire season. I'd hate to have waited this long and then still watch it one episode per week. Maybe I'll bring it up with Candace, she might enjoy it and if she'd watched it before it might trigger some memories. If not though, I might have to start all over with her. Which is not an unpleasant thought, but we'd have to get Netflix or something.

The other option is to turn back to Crunchyroll and see if there's anything more for RWBY. If not Max had made some other recommendations I could look up.

Oh well, I'll have Max and Candace tomorrow. We can talk about that while getting our Halloween on. Can't Wait!

October 4th, 2017

Chore day today. I got laundry done, had to stop by the pharmacy to refill my prescription, and paid bills. It was nice getting out today. With the changing climate it's taking longer and longer to cool off. The trees have been changing color, but things haven't been getting cooler. Today it started to feel that way. It's getting me excited for Halloween!

When I got home I caught up with Legion. They are finally gathering together the whole of what's going on in a cohesive story, and I'm very happy with that. I was holding out on accepting everything up till now, and they have been driving towards this so it's not a surprise by any means. It just goes to show how well they've handled presenting what all is going on, such that I could not commit until now. And having provided that answer definitely gives me the satisfaction I would be frustrated without. Kudos to the producers and writers for being able to hold that off and keep my attention for so long. Granted it's been, what? Less than ten episodes, so it's not like they held off that long. But they did it well before my frustration would begin, and that's something.

Actually, I had been thinking while I watched about what attracts me to the show so much. I think it's playing with perception and sanity has a lot to do with why I like it. I realized that it really resonated with my fears of hallucinating and what it might mean for my future. I know I should talk to someone, that I should work to actively confirm what I'm seeing. But I'm afraid that even doing that might get me labeled insane even if they confirm what I'm seeing. The enticing part of the show is that seeing things might be my superpower, like I'm a mutant. It's not that I'm hallucinating, but that I can see things other's can't.

It's a nice thought at least.

September 27th, 2017

Today was a relatively lazy day. Got my chores done. Relaxed. Watched some more Legion.

Legion's been just as confusing as ever. It seems obvious that this was a newly created reality that dragged everyone else in. But I'm cautious, because of course the new reality has everyone in the mental hospital. The story is obviously forming that this parasite is the big bad, and it's been forming for quite a few episodes by now. They've done such a good job though of making one question the reality of the show though that I at least have been setting that concept aside. Not to ignore it, but to try and get a grasp on things. But with the way the last episode ended, and this episode completely, the parasite won't be set aside anymore. I'm still not sure of what all is going on, but it does feel like I can grasp that with some solidity. I do so cautiously though, and I think that's a credit to the show.

I've been enthralled with Aubrey Plaza's character and her portrayal. But I also have to admit, I can't watch her and not think of her getting bleeped out in Scott Pilgrim. I keep expecting that black censor bar to show up over her mouth when she cusses. To be honest while I know it'd break the seriousness of the show, it'd be in line to happen were David to try and take back some control. Just sensor Lenny to prevent her from saying anything. I'd laugh. It won't happen, but I'd laugh.

Oh well, tomorrow I'll be over at Candace's again. I was wanting to take public transportation, but with my dizzy spells having been pretty regular lately, I'm expecting another attack tomorrow. I've been texting Sam about it, if I have the attack in the morning I'll take the bus and light rail. But if not, Sam'll come get me just in case. That way I'm not having a dizzy spell around strangers. We'll see what happens tomorrow, though Candace has her cast off and Sam says she's been in seventh heaven since.

September 20th, 2017

Another chore day come and gone. I did get to watch another episode of Legion. It was a good thing Mom and Dad weren't home, I'm not sure they'd have appreciated the conversation between David and Syd. It is very interesting to think what one might do with Syd's abilities, but I'm glad they addressed the moral implications in having her abilities. She brushes them off with an air of detachment, but I feel they handled that well. If anyone she would certainly have a sense of detachment from her body that would allow her to so brush off the moral implications.

It's interesting how David manages to gain control of his abilities while also losing control of himself. They've handled that well, but from what I understand of the comics his abilities change depending on which personality is in charge. The show presents him as having other voices in his head, and they give full representations of the personalities that go with those voices. I just don't feel they've presented those other personalities as actively trying to take over; no MPD. So his abilities, as expansive and powerful as they are, are always the same. He didn't have control, now he does, but when I say he doesn't have control of himself I'm not saying another personality is taking over as much as he's fleeing within.

Of course, all this remains questionable as to what's actually going on, because yet again the show ends with the rules changing and I'm back to not knowing what's real.

It's kinda cool how they are able to do that, in a very frustrating way.

Oh well, I can't stay up late tonight. The memorial will start at 10, there will be a lunch and mingling at 12, and after that I'm not sure what'll happen. But it means Sam will be here to pick me up early.

September 13th, 2017

Chores today so I can play tomorrow. I did chat with Sam about tomorrow, and as gingerly as I could asked about how Candace will be paying for things. He actually told me not to worry about her, he'd take care of it. He said he could even throw a few things for me on his card. I did push the humble side and told him he didn't have to do that, but he insisted and who am I to turn down some free stuff?

I promise I won't take advantage of him. But if I find something that I have to have and can't afford on my own, I might take him up on his offer. - Something reasonable...

It does seem odd though that he's not giving a second thought to spending money on Candace. It's really sweet of him, but he's self employed selling goods and services that have a limited customer base. Granted, that customer base tends to tap the more wealthy among us, so maybe he can get away with charging fees greater than would be generally considered fair. I don't know, it just feels off, and I'm not sure I can explain it right now.

I am reminded though of that first time I was over at her place, Sam said he had had an idea of what to look into concerning her amnesia. I forgot to ask him about it last week, will have to remember that tomorrow and see if anything turned up.

I did get a chance to rewatch that last episode of Legion. I was really starting to feel like I might have a grip on things, and then they mess with it all over again. I was thinking about why I found it so engrossing and I think I've been able to partly understand what grabs me. A lot of what is shown, what the story is about, has to do with how people perceive what is going on. By that I mean as much the other people within the story as much as the people watching the show, and I think they do an excellent job of playing with that.

Let me see if I can explain what I mean. David's sister, Amy, believes her brother is mentally ill, and she's well aware of the many things that goes into that diagnosis. Lucky, for example. Ms. Bird on the other hand believes that David is not insane, but that what people think is his insanity is actually his abilities, his powers manifesting. The easiest example is his telepathy, his ability to hear other's thoughts. Where he thinks he's hearing voices, and the people around him are judging the same, it's actually him hearing peoples thoughts. This goes a long way towards establishing the perception of David's insanity, and is by no means the only method.

But David isn't the only one with abilities. The people around him, at Ms. Bird's spa for lack of a better word, resort... I don't know. It's not the X-Mansion, but similar. Anyway, these people all have talents and abilities that can make an observer question their sanity. By which I mean the sanity of the person they are perceiving, as well as their own. For example, Cary and Kerry.

What the presenters, the directors, the producers, the people who are telling us this story... What they are doing is holding back, from the audience, an explanation of what is going on. In the X-Men movies, and in any superhero movie really, there's an explanation of what the hero can do. Without that explanation, the audience would have every right to question what is happening, just as the other's in the movie or show should be doing. People being afraid of Spider-man, or the first fearful reaction of Superman in Man of Steel, meeting him with military force. These reactions would be normal and expected. But most movies and shows relieve the audience of that ignorance by offering an explanation, generally early on. Then the story can move on with the hero being a hero.

With Legion, the explanation is held back. Not just from the other's in the story, not just from the main character, but from the audience as well. And so we are all left in ignorance of what is going on, which serves perfectly for a fearful setting. And this last episode helped set exactly that tone, taking full advantage of the ignorance. There is a need for that question to be answered: What is going on? And so, I'm hooked.

Which is strange, because there are other ways of achieving the same result. Creating that ignorance and leaving me, the viewer, asking that same question. Normally I find myself fed up with whatever show I'd be watching. Usually pretty quickly, I hate having things go on unexplained. Most especially if the show ends on that very same note. If the show doesn't answer that question by the time it ends, I'm usually pretty annoyed with the show and don't ever want to see it again. That's probably why I couldn't finish The Wheel of Time, an entire book that does not address the main characters in any way. So here I am, hooked on another show asking that same question. I find myself wondering how disappointing its going to be, because I'm fairly certain they're going to end the show without ever really explaining anything. But I keep watching, and I'm still entertained.

If I had more time, I'd binge my recordings and catch up in a day or two. Assuming I don't have to watch the episodes more than once. Having to repeat the episodes is why I'm taking it so slowly.

September 6th, 2017

Don't get me wrong, I love my parents, and I enjoy living with them. But I really need to get my own place. Max and I have talked many times about getting a place together, but things always have a way of not working out. And I understand my parents concerns, especially after that blackout, I can't live alone. In case something happens, I need someone around who can call for help. So until something opens up, I'm stuck. Still, it'd be nice to have a day to myself for a change. I could get my laundry done without having to work around Mom. Or watch the shows I wanted to watch without having to plan around Dad.

Logically I know, no matter who I'm living with, I'll have these same frustrations. But I have to hope that I could find a place with someone compatible. You know, we both want to watch the same show, so there's no fighting over the channel. Things like that. One would think having lived with my parents for so long, I'd have found a way of managing these things. How my parents can generate so much laundry between the two of them, I don't think I'll ever understand. Mom always has something in the wash. One load, that's all I ask.

So yea, chore day. Usually I have two days to work these things out, but since I'll be helping Candace out tomorrow, I have to get my chores done today. Which I did manage to do, finally.

I also got to watch the next episode of Legion. I'm really engrossed in that show, and I'm not sure I can explain why. I didn't know much about the comics, just enough to have been able to recognize Legion when they were teasing the show. After the premier I looked him up on the 'net to see what I could learn. He's powerful, scary powerful, and not sane. He suffers from schizophrenia and multiple personality disorder. From what I was reading, about ninety percent of his comics take place within his own head.

What this means to me is that I can't be sure what's real in his show. And I think that's the point to some extent. It's really neat, but it's hard to get a grip on what's happening. It's like everything is a flashback, even when I think I'm watching the current timeline, they still manage to make it a flashback. And so I'm drawn in, as much out of interest as out of a need to get a solid grip on the story.

Dad got home before I could finish, and of course he starts talking over the dialog, so I couldn't quite finish the episode. I'm going to have to watch over it again anyway to see if I can get my bearings. And of course, once I stop the recording, Dad wants to watch the news.

I went to help Mom in the kitchen, but a story caught my attention. Some hikers have gone missing again. Two different parties, and in different parks. There doesn't seem to be any connection between them, but it is strange. I guess the first party, a guy and a girl, was reported missing a few days ago when they didn't return home after leaving. They had done everything right, at least they let their families and friends know what they were doing and where. So when they didn't get home people knew to go looking for them. Their vehicle was found, but so far they haven't been, even with the help of tracking dogs and search and rescue.

The other party was a single guy. He was supposed to meet up with some friends, they were all going to camp together. They all set out separately and planned on joining up at the same location having taken different routes to get there. The one never showed up, and because their plans were all different, they didn't know to immediately go looking for him. It also meant that they weren't able to get people to start looking for him until they all returned. So this individual has been missing longer than the couple, but less time being actively searched for.

It makes me think of Hal. He had gone missing, but he was found before the week was out if I remember correctly. So far both parties are coming up to a week, and they still haven't been found. I hope they are all found soon.