February 23rd, 2018

Just got home from spending today doing a whole lot of nothing. Being observed is what I was doing. But unlike a mouse, I don't get a little wheel to run around in. It was bed rest for me all day. Which would normally drive me up a wall, but I was just feeling lethargic all day. I don't know if it's the recovery from the operation, or the new drugs in my system or what. I do know I'm starting to come down off that feeling and I want to stretch my legs a bit. But it's late now, and to be honest just getting from the car to my bed was a bit of a trial. Despite my body feeling sore, I'm mentally feeling wide awake, and I'm a little worried that I'm not going to get a lot of sleep tonight.

The operation went well, or so I'm told. Scans afterward confirmed that the stent was in place, but images have been taken to be shared with Dr. Laurie's college. When I go back next week for the check up they'll take more scans to see if the stent is having any effect. So I may not hear word back for another month if this was successful or not. Though they do know what to look for now, so hopefully it won't take that long.

Sam did show up after the operation with Max. They wanted to know how I was doing and for me to know they were there if I needed. Sam even brought me one of those toy trolls with the hair just to cheer me up. It worked, it's cute, and it's holding a sign that says "Get Well."

They took Candace home, and Dad had to leave 'cause he still had work in the morning. Mom stayed with me all night. Batel called too and we got to talk. It was nice hearing from her. She finally openly admitted that she and Jason were dating, probably only 'cause Dad wasn't there. Probably also because Jason was with her, so Mom and I got to meet him over the phone. He sounds nice.

I slept hard last night, ten hours or so. This morning was a lot of meeting with Dr. Laurie to see how I was feeling, to confirm how things went, and what our next steps will be. He said he'd work out of the hospital today, so if we needed anything to just holler. And he checked in periodically through the day, which was nice.

Hal made sure to sneak in a burger for me for lunch. He said that was the one thing he really craved while he was admitted in August, and the one thing they absolutely wouldn't let him have. Neither of us are big burger eaters, but I have to admit, it hit the spot.

When Hal came again after class, he brought Candace with him. She was apologetic that she couldn't get here earlier, but Sam had work and she wasn't sure about the bus route. I assured her it was okay. They helped Mom and I prepare to be discharged, and while we waited we made plans for tomorrow. I mentioned wanting to visit the botanic gardens, which Candace has never gone. So we're going to plan on that. Max will meet us there, and then we'll hit up an early showing of Black Panther. I keep hearing it's really good, so I'm looking forward to that. And then Sam will join us for dinner afterward, provided his commission lets him.

After we got home, Mom and Candace worked on making dinner while Hal, Dad, and I watched TV. Hal did make sure to offer to help, but Mom and Candace kicked him out. It was a nice evening, Sam even stopped by to pick Candace up and stayed long enough to grab a bite. And then after they left Hal helped me to my room before leaving. I am feeling a lot stronger now than I was even this morning. But like I said, I feel sore all over. They entered my leg and fed the stent all the way into my brain from there. Not overly invasive, but probably why I'm feeling so sore.

Anyway, it's early for my usual bedtime, and I'm not tired. So I'm going to read for a while and see if that can't calm me down enough to sleep.

February 11th, 2018

I had a dizzy spell this morning, about fifteen minutes after clocking in. I was getting set up for the day and just about fell over it had come on so fast. Fortunately it was quick, and I didn't drop the money I had in my hand. That wouldn't have been good. It didn't last long, and was gone almost as suddenly as it had come. Looking over my notes, that's about one every week going back all the way into October when I was doing about two a week. Still more than it had been before my blackout, but much more tolerable.

Simon finished moving out today. Hal reported to me at lunch that he went through the apartment to make sure nothing of his was missing, and that nothing of Simon's had been left behind. It sounds like everything checked out. And I knew Hal would want to do something, so I suggested we take advantage of his place being free and do something there. We've been eating out a lot lately and I don't want that to become the habit.

But when we got to his place after work, I just felt a little weirded out being there. I know Simon's out, and I can even see that his stuff is gone. Even so, I was still expecting him to jump out of some corner and just felt trapped. So when Hal asked what we should do for dinner, I suggested going out.

I feel like such a wimp doing that, and I'm worried that's how it'll be every time I'm over there now. Hopefully with time it'll go away.

Hal had missed out on our Mexican seafood, but I'd just had seafood. So we compromised and went for sushi, which I'd never had before anyway. I'll admit I was a bit squeamish at first. But after trying some, so good!

We talked a bit about the vigilante and what had happened last night. While I was at work, a cell phone video reached the news media. Some kid filmed the vigilante moments before the brawl on Colfax. It clearly shows that there were two groups of people involved, that they started fighting each other. The vigilante was watching them talk when the kids approached him with their cell phone. His voice was muffled behind the mask, but it sounded familiar to me. And he spoke with an accent that neither Hal or I could place.

The kids didn't seem to think anything was wrong, they just started filming him and making fun. Which drew his attention from what he was watching. He responded well to the kids, and when one asked who he was he said "I'm the stag." It was about then that the shouting broke out. There was a loud noise in the background which surprised the kid holding the phone. He dropped it as the vigilante, The Stag, started moving. The fall must've broke the phone 'case the video cuts out then.

So now we all have a name, or title, to go with our new vigilante. "The Stag."

Hal was explaining that in older times the stag was a symbol of strength and virility. Since he had the time to go looking it up, he also found references to Cernunnos. An ancient Celtic deity that we don't know much about, but he was also known as The Horned God. Hal's theory is that the vigilante is emulating that deity.

While he was describing this to me though, something caught my eye. Up on one of the light fixtures was a tiny girl. A fairy. She seemed to be watching over everything, and beyond turning her head this way and that, she didn't move the whole time I noticed her. Unlike the other ones I had seen at the museum, she was dressed. In fact it looked like she was dressed in more traditional Japanese style clothing. As small as she was, and being all the way across the room from me, I couldn't make out her face. But she did have long hair in two pony tails on each side, which also seemed to tie in a couple of long leaves or feathers. I didn't see any wings, though there were some long wide strips of cloth coming off the back of her outfit. And she just stood there watching everything. I took me a bit to realize that she was watching the staff as often as not. Like she was the little proprietor watching over her employees.

I was trying not to stare, and found myself looking away before she might notice me looking at her. But I was also conscious of Hal watching me, my first instinct to hide from him what was going on. He caught me though and asked what I was watching. So I asked him to look where she was, and asked what he saw there. He described the light fixture, and the trim along the wall behind it, and other features to be seen. But he didn't see the fairy. He's not stupid though, seeing the disappointment on my face he asked if I was seeing something. I just nodded.

He wanted to know what, but because I felt she was watching over things, I felt like she'd catch me talking about her. So I asked if we could go and described her to him as he was driving me home. He walked me to my door and made sure to hug me tightly before letting me go.

Part of me just wants to call in sick tomorrow. I should call up Dr. Laurie's office tomorrow and see how much longer it'll be before we get the results back.

January 25th, 2018

Hal had Candace with him when he picked me up for the gym. And then we all made plans for Mom to pick Candace and I up from there. I had already talked with Hal about being there for the Dr's appointment, so I felt like I had to turn Candace down when she offered while he was there. I did talk with her after Hal had left us at the gym, and she said she was actually going to use the time to work on things. Mom was happy to drop her off as we were headed to the appointment, so it worked out.

The appointment went about as I expected. Dr. Laurie took some blood and asked a lot of questions, what I've been eating, if I've been drinking, sexual activity, stress levels, all that stuff. I think this was the first time I've asked Mom if I could talk with Dr. Laurie alone. After the interview, Dr. Laurie asked me about what had happened and why I had called for an appointment.

That was a long conversation, and included a lot of explanation that I hadn't talked to anyone about outside of our little conspiracy group. To be honest, I don't have a lot of people to talk to outside of that group. Dr. Laurie though is really good about listening and not being judgmental. He recognized that I was trying to make sure I wasn't imagining things that we were talking about. Also that I was making the effort to confirm the things I could confirm. He agreed that I'd done right by asking Hal if he'd seen the fairies that I had. Though he did suggest that maybe I should ask someone who isn't also part of the conspiracy group. But he also recognized that I had looked around and paid attention to what the others were seeing and hearing. So I didn't do wrong, it was just a suggestion.

Dr. Laurie wasn't willing to rule on our conspiracy theories, which is fine. His concern is my health. But he did say he'd been hearing a lot of interesting things and even if my friends and I were wrong about what was going on, there certainly seemed to be something going on. But whether I was seeing fairies or something else, what we were concerned with here was whether what I was seeing was actually there.

So with my interview done, we made our way down to the CT-scanner. I got to spend another eternity in the damn thing. They do try to make it as comfortable as they can, but it's just not. This time they had installed a television and over the headphones they were asking me questions about what I was seeing on the screen and what I thought about it. A lot of simple images, pictures of cats mostly. But they also threw in some visual illusions just to see how what effect it'd have on me. Some were neat, one made me sick. Dr. Laurie insisted it wasn't actually moving, but the illusion was that it appeared to. Hell of an illusion. They also seemed to have a lot of pictures that were meant to trigger pareidolia, which I think I've explained before. It's our ability to see patterns in things, particularly the ability to pick out faces where they don't exist. The dimples in someone's knees, the headlights and grill of a vehicle, or the formation of a cloud. They were trying to see what parts of my brain would light up in response to the things I was seeing so they could compare it with others. But they also wanted to know how my visual cortex was lighting up with the tumor sitting right there.

It took a good long time, and I was all too happy to get out. Dr. Laurie said my initial results appeared normal, but they'd have to send the results away to see what other experts had to say about it. And that could take up to a month or more. For now, he reminded me to keep practicing being able to get around without relying on my vision. I could lose my sight, I could be starting to see things, I could hallucinate and still lose my sight. Whatever happens, I won't be able to rely on my vision, so I should practice going without.

Which was about what I reported to Candace after Mom dropped me off, after a stop to Bonnie Brae. I did ask Candace what she'd like, she said she didn't know. So we surprised her with a cookie dough cone. She loved it! And has now requested to stop by there after every time we visit the gym.

And true to her word, Candace did offer me a shoulder to cry on. I took her up on that, though with a few days past and a visit to Dr. Laurie, I didn't feel like crying so much. We cleaned up and organized while we talked. Her in-laws had come by to pick up most of the stuff we had set aside already. The gun cabinet though was still there, they didn't have any way of getting it when they'd stopped by. Candace did say they seemed to accept Sam getting the car at least, so that was good. A lot of stuff had been sorted out that they didn't want, which was more than I thought there'd be. And along with the gun cabinet there were a few other things they still wanted to pick up. Mostly what we were doing today was cleaning out the bedrooms and vacuuming up. Candace wanted to make sure they were good to go for next week.

Hal did stop by between classes. It was later than usual, since his lunch was taken up by my appointment. So he wasn't able to stay as long. But he did ask how things were going, and held me for a while. That was nice, and comforting. Even Candace got in on it.

Sam was oblivious, but I guess he picked up a big commission recently and it's been taking up a lot of his time. He seemed really happy about it, though he couldn't say what it was yet. But he did share some pictures. I was worried that if he couldn't tell us what he was making, this might be a breach of contract. But neither of us could tell what he was making based on what he'd shown us, so I guess there's nothing to worry about.

Max made the time to come join us for dinner after hearing about my appointment. She asked how it went over dinner, which was the first Sam was hearing about it. We talked, I got more hugs, and a big one from Sam. He made sure to ask if there was anything they could do to help, which was kind of him. I told him that just knowing he was there for me was perfect.

So I'm home now, and I am oddly feeling at peace. It's been such a big fear for so long, and I have been pretty tore up about it. It was nice receiving so much support today. A lot of hugging, and some crying. I don't know what I'm hoping for as far as results. I think either way will be a comfort, and a worry. Either I am seeing things, which will finally confirm what we've been planning on for so long. Or I'm not, in which case the fairies were there to be seen. But then, why was I the only one seeing them?

I don't know, one step at a time I guess. Hal I think would say that even if I was seeing things, the fairies might still have been there. In fact, I think he'll insist on that.

August 27th, 2017

It seems like it’s been such a long day, but I think part of that is simply how long it’s been since I’ve been in my own room. The specialist that Dr. Laurie had consulted didn’t see anything on my MRI scans that needed immediate rescanning, which was a relief. They still need to compare it to past scans and see if they can find what might have caused my loss of balance, but that’ll take time and doesn’t require me to remain monitored. I still had to complete another session of physical therapy. Mostly they wanted to make sure I knew how to do things correctly, that way I could do them on my own here at home.

Physical therapy didn’t happen until after lunch because Dr. Laurie wasn’t able to meet with Mom and I until 10:30, so I wasn’t able to leave as soon as I’d like. That said, I ran into the missing hiker at the cafeteria. At first I didn’t know it was him, but he seemed familiar. He must have thought the same, because he approached me and asked if he’d seen me at the museum. I admitted that I was a cashier there. Turns out he’s an intern from the University in the Anthropology department. His name is Halvis, Hal, and after I asked about why he was here, that’s when I learned he was the missing hiker. That certainly explained his appearance, and why he was dragging an IV bag around with him. We weren’t able to talk for long, ‘cause I had my therapy session, but he promised to bump into me at the museum some time.

And while I was at therapy, Sam showed up looking for me interestingly enough. He waited patiently for me, and at first I wasn’t aware that he was there. Once I did notice him I started looking around for Candace and was confused that I couldn’t find her. It wasn’t until I was finishing up and gathering my stuff that he approached me, asking if I could stop by Candace’s room and spend some time with her. I told him I was being released, but he insisted and explained that I had been a relaxing influence on her. I promised I’d stop by, but I couldn’t stay.

So before we actually left, I made sure to stop by Candace’s room. Sam was right, she needed some calming, she was irate when I got there. I guess staying in the hospital was taking it’s toll on her too. When I got there she ordered Sam and the nurses out, then greeting me warmly she apologized for her behavior.

Candace is definitely a puzzle. There’s a warmth in her, a concern for others that I recognized while we were talking in the cafeteria yesterday. Some of the topic’s I’d brought up certainly caused her concern for how people have been treated in the past. And even looking around at the other patients at the hospital, she often smiled at those whose gaze would wander our way. It was a warm and genuine smile, and it always received a smile in return. But then when I catch her in her room, or like at the therapy session when I first saw her, she has this petulant side to her that seems so childish. She treats Sam like dirt, and the nurses for that matter. I have to wonder what her relationship with her husband had been like, or if she was like that only now with her amnesia. Maybe it was just being cooped up in her hospital room, I don’t know. I know I was getting testy myself and wanted to get home.

I asked how she was doing, and she said she wanted out. I probed a little bit and found that it wasn’t like she wanted to leave, as much as she wanted to be outside. She was actually kind of scared of leaving, and mentioned that the doctors were only waiting to get a scan of her brain before they released her. Turns out she was waiting on the MRI machine that I had been scheduled for. I let her know that I was leaving today, and that seemed to sour her mood. She asked me to visit her, but I told her that I had work and life to get back to. I wasn’t sure I’d have the time. She then shooed me out almost like she had Sam.

Outside her room, Sam caught me and thanked me for stopping by. I mentioned that some fresh air would probably do her some good, that she really just wanted to get outside. He said that made sense, and I would have asked about it, but I was really starting to run short on time. Sam knew I was leaving, but he asked if he could get in touch with me later. He said that I had been very helpful, and that with her amnesia, he didn’t know who he could contact of her friends or family. He asked if I’d be willing to visit after she had been released.

He was right, and I knew it as soon as I heard him say it. Between the doctors, and her in-laws, she didn’t have anything. I told him I work, but that on my days off once in awhile it might be nice to get to know her. So we swapped numbers and he promised to text me to let me know how she was doing. I said I’d let him know when I have a day free, and we could make plans for then.

I do hope she is released soon. Maybe familiar surroundings might help, with her attitude at least if not her memory. It’s not late, but being home I find myself just wanting to sleep. Mom said she’d been in contact with my boss at the museum and let him know what was going on. I’ll need to call in tomorrow, but since there’s not much in the way of physical requirements, I should be able to return to work soon. Dr. Laurie did make sure to give me a note to turn in, dating it through tomorrow so I can spend a day at home before going back to work. If I have my way I’ll sleep the entire day, maybe get up for a banana split or something. His instructions though for work are to take it easy, and if I need to take a break I should. Keep the stress low for a few days. I’ll have to keep that in mind.

August 26th, 2017

Today was the MRI scan. It was a good thing I got some good rest last night. Despite what one might think, lying within the scanner is not restful, at least not while it’s scanning. Even with the headphones they give us to be able to communicate and have us listen to music, I can still hear that godforsaken noise. It reminds me of the old dial up modems, or the high speed printers before laserjet. Yes, we still had them at my old school, and my parents used dial up for the longest time.

I still have a headache, which probably wasn’t helped by the commotion around lunch time. Despite the hospital already being busy with the victims of the plane crash, search and rescue showed up to deliver some guy who had gotten lost in the woods or something. I still haven’t been able to get any reliable information, early on people thought he might have been a missing passenger from the plane. But then search and rescue was overheard saying they found him out in Arapaho National Forest, which is far beyond where the plane went down. Dad said the news reports didn’t offer much else, just that while his plans had been to go out for the day, he was lost for almost a week.

I’m not much for conspiracy theories, but I gotta admit, that puts him getting lost right about the same day as my blackout, the plane crash, and the eclipse. A missing hiker though isn’t exactly an uncommon thing. My health issues have been known since I was 7 years old, and sadly planes do crash once in awhile. The eclipse is a natural phenomena, it’s not like someone can make that happen. But then again, people can plan to do things around the natural phenomena we can predict will happen. So someone might have targeted the plane, which by the way we have no word that that is the case, but it’s not like they could have targeted me and then also gone through the effort to lead a hiker away from the trail.

It’s that weird feeling I have though. The one I’ve had since I woke up three days ago, and I can’t shake the feeling that this is all somehow connected. But how? Why? This can’t all be intentional. Or maybe it’s not all intentional. Maybe one, the plane on the same day as the eclipse, and then the cause also affected me and the hiker? That sounds crazy, and I feel crazy putting this much thought into it.

Moving on! I caught Candace today in the cafeteria. She looked like she had finally mastered the crutches, and then like me just had to get out of her room. Mom and I were eating at a table, and I looked up to see Candace in line to get food. I didn’t see Sam around to give her a hand, so I got up and offered to help her with her tray. Candace thanked me and I invited her to join Mom and I. Candace was in much better spirits today, and she and Mom hit it off very well. Mom couldn’t stay for long, so she left and Candace and I ended up talking for a long time after.

Candace admitted to feeling lost, like nothing was familiar, and I reminded her that she’d only been in this hospital since she woke. Maybe she’d find familiarity when she got home? She said her doctor had mentioned that as well, but she said it was her family too. She didn’t recognize them, and it was embarrassing in a way. That gave me an opening to ask about her family. I confirmed that the people I saw yesterday were her in-laws, and then asked if she’d heard anything of her own family, her parents? Siblings? I hesitated to ask if she’d had any children, that would be distressing for her to think she couldn’t remember them.

Honestly I was curious to ask about children, more to find out her age. I mentioned yesterday that even with her scratches and bruises she was beautiful, and she really is. She’s tall, high fives, I don’t want to say a full six feet. She’s built like a ballet dancer, svelte, skinny, delicate almost, but strong arms and legs. Her hair is dark as midnight and long, even braided as it always is it must reach all the way to her tailbone. The thing is, she’s got an almost ageless quality to her. If it weren’t for the scratches, I’d swear she didn’t have any wrinkles. Her hands are smooth, well cared for outside recent events. I don’t know, she could almost be a tall graduate from high school, but maybe her scratches and bruises are hiding the marks of an older face. Not too old obviously, but mature ya know?

Anyway, she said she hadn’t heard anything from her own family. She didn’t know who to contact, obviously, but Sam said there was no one, and his parents didn’t seem to even know she had been dating their son much less that they were getting married. That seems like a rather important piece of information right there. I buried the thought that maybe she was from a less well off background, and realized that’s probably also what her in-laws had thought. Maybe that’s why they were worried about her motives for marrying their son?

This too seemed to darken her mood, so when she asked about me I readily changed the subject. I told her about working at the history museum, that I was saving up to go to school. I told her about my dreams of working as an archaeologist at the museum which she found fascinating. She was very curious about human history, and I answered what I could. I had to remind her that I’m not an archaeologist yet, I just operate a cash register.

It was a couple of hours later that Sam came around looking for Candace. I only realized how long it’d been since I checked for a clock when I saw him walk in. Again he looked worried and stressed, but once he saw us talking he calmed down. I don’t think he saw me notice him, and when I looked to the wall clock I think he took the chance to smooth out his shirt before approaching. He is very protective of her. I suppose it makes sense, he did lose his brother, maybe he finds himself holding on to his sister-in-law as a way to hold on to his missing brother?

Whatever it is, despite the worry he shows, once he saw us talking he asked to join us and allowed me to ask him some questions. Turns out he’s a blacksmith, which explains his arms and hands. He has his own little shop, and does lots of little jobs for people in the area. He dabbles in art, which he is able to sell for a modest living, and has been trying his hand at both armorsmithing and weaponsmithing. I think Candace was as interested to learn what he did as I was, after all, she too was meeting him for the first time in many respects.

We couldn’t stay much longer though, Candace had an appointment of her own to get to, and I needed to catch up with my folks so we could go over the MRI scans with Dr. Laurie.

There was nothing out of the ordinary on the scans. My little death was still there in all its black glory. Measurements had shown it had grown a fraction of a fraction in the last year, but it didn’t appear to be pressing against anything important. Just surrounded by important, which was why we can’t get rid of it. Dr. Laurie was concerned that it wouldn’t be long before it started pressing against my visual cortex, he said that if I was going to hallucinate, that would be when and why. But he cautioned that it could also simply cut off my ability to see. Either way it would make my visual senses hard to rely on, and he recommended that I continue to develop my non-visual skills. He has consulted another doctor to take a look at the scans, and depending on what is decided, I may have to go through another MRI session tomorrow. Otherwise I might be able to leave tomorrow night.

I’m scared tonight. Scared of what is to come, with my tumor, how it’ll affect me. But as much as anything, I’m scared of this feeling I’ve had. I almost want it to go away, but at the same time I’m scared that it going away would only mean I’ve grown accustomed to it. I asked Dr. Laurie if the tumor might be causing this fear in me, this feeling I’ve had since Wednesday. He said it’s possible, we don’t exactly know everything about how the brain functions, and a change in the tumor could affect change in my brain and my thought processes, my feelings. But he said it was unlikely and suggested that maybe this feeling was more psychogenic. He said not to ignore it, keep a record of it if I could just in case. He said I should pay attention to what’s going on around me, and see if the feeling is justified.