October 21st, 2017

As my Saturday's often go, Max joined me for lunch, and then I met up with Hal for dinner. While I feel good having just gotten home from dinner, I'm fretting a bit from lunch. It makes it hard to determine how I should feel about today overall.

Max and I discussed Halloween plans. Largely we were talking about what to do for our tabards. We had a few ideas of what to do, and the easiest is to get some very large blue shirts that we can cut up and paint a cross on. It'd get the message across, but it would fall well below our standards. Our other options are variations on that idea, everything from better shirts to making our own, and painting on the crosses to embroidering our own. We've got to find some middle ground that we can achieve, that we can do in less than two weeks. We waited to find out if Candace wanted to be involved, and the cost of that is being in such a rush to finish this. It years past we've been able to do this, but when we did I didn't have a job and she didn't have school. Makes a big difference.

So that's why I'm fretting after lunch.

But for dinner, I brought up my concerns with Hal. He was nice enough to listen, and he agreed and apologized for taking me for granted. He recognized that he didn't have any right to my time, which is why he hadn't complained about me going to the tournament without letting him know. But he did feel as though I'd blown him off, and it was coming across even if he didn't intend it to. So we made it official that we would be meeting regularly to compare notes. Though really I don't feel I bring that much to the table. And if either of us can't make it for whatever reason, we have a responsibility to make sure the other knows.

Once we had that cleared away, I let him know about our plans for Halloween. It shouldn't interfere
with our dinner on Saturday, but if I'm having to sew up some tabards, I won't have the time. So I gave him fair warning and he appreciated it. He said he hadn't done anything for Halloween in years, so he hadn't thought about it or made plans. I offered that he could join us, but he turned it down. He said something about having order stuff on top of school work.

We had both created emails as we had planed, so we exchanged addresses. Now we can talk to each other that way. This gives us some way of communicating anonymously in case anyone wants to connect us. Which seems weird because all they'd have to do is follow him or I to dinner any Saturday night.

The point though is that we can keep talking if he gets called away from Denver to do something. Unless anyone knows the emails, and is able to log in, they won't see what we're saying to each other. And my email at least doesn't have anything identifying me, presumably so is his. So they can't easily identify that they're talking to me. If I'm feeling that paranoid about it, I'll start logging in to check for his email at the library. For now though, I'm not as worried about it.

Then we actually talked about The Game of Thrones. He has access to HBO through some friends of his, so he's seen the show. I've only read the books, and I still need to read the last one. He was eager to talk about the most recent season, and I had to remind him that it's going beyond the books as written. So most of our night was comparing what he remembers happened in the show to what I remember happening in the book. Kinda sounds like I'd hate the show. The changes aren't that bad, but there's some missing characters, and that means that there's characters in the show who are doing things that they didn't do in the books. I can get nitpicky about those things. It's part of the reason I avoid watching movies based on books I've already read. Instead I'll watch movies based on books I haven't read to find out if I want to read the books.

It was kinda nice though that we didn't spend a lot of time on his conspiracy involvement. It's not a theory when he's actively involved. But it has been really freaking me out lately, and having that break was good. I am curious if anything more has been happening, but for the same reason I find myself avoiding the news. Max didn't even bring anything up, we're just more worried about Halloween at the moment.

I stayed up a bit trying to find some answers to our costume conundrum, and this is after getting home from dinner. Time to hit the sack.

October 20th, 2017

Back to work on a regular schedule. It was nice last week having Friday off for a change, almost let me forget how busy it can be. The nice thing about it busy though is that time flies.

Hal joined me for lunch again. As usual he wanted to confirm an unplanned dinner for tomorrow night. I've agreed, but I'm going to use this chance to talk to him about taking me for granted. He was pissy after this last weekend when I had already made plans to do something else. And granted, I didn't tell him, but that's the point. He's expecting me to have already made plans to be at dinner with him as if I don't have a life of my own.

And don't get me wrong, I've enjoyed our meals. Where the conversation doesn't freak me out at least. He's a nice guy, and truth be told I wouldn't mind these being dates. But I'm not sure he wants that, it sounds like he just needs someone he can talk to. The benefit for me is the possibility that he's not just telling me stories. The news articles are all real, I've confirmed them on my own, and found more. Not to mention the stories that Max has shared with me that he latched onto.

So if he's lying to me, it's a rather convenient lie. But if he is telling me the truth... That's pretty freaky.

Suddenly I realize the next show I should watch, American Gods. Or I could just go to the source and read the book.

Back on track (I'm tired, sorry, and my thoughts are wandering). Hal takes me for granted that I'll always be there, and that's what we need to talk about. Sure, communication is a two way street, and if we are going to meet regularly I need to let him know when I can't make it. But if he wants us to be meeting on a routine, then he needs to tell me that. He can't expect me to just be there when he wants without first making those plans. And no, confirming unmade plans the day before doesn't count. He needs to make those plans before he can rightly confirm them.

We've been meeting every Saturday evening, so it's kind of established. But it's been simply assumed that that is the case, and the problems we are now having is because of this assumption. We need to talk, not so I can chew him out, but so that we can put all our cards on the table and know what we expect from each other.

Anyway, tomorrow, dinner with Hal. Pizza this time. Hopefully tomorrow it'll sound better, right now I'm just not in the mood.

October 19th, 2017

What a day! We had so much fun. Max still had class in the morning, so she joined us later at the thrift shop where we were hoping to find something usable. Sam picked me up around noon as usual, and he was acting rather cheerful for all his objections to what we were about. We met up with Candace and started our shopping at the regular Halloween stores.

One would think Candace had never been in such a store. And I know her amnesia, but like I've said before, even not remembering her self or any specific memories. She should still have some grasp of costume shops and Halloween stores. Candace was horrified but all the fake blood, the gory masks, the skeletons, and everything else that was shoved in our faces. It wasn't enough to point out that it was all fake, she couldn't wrap her head around why anyone would make or make use of any of it.

Fortunately she didn't make a big scene, but she was blatantly uncomfortable. Sam had no explanation and seemed to be just as dumbfounded as I was. Usually he's very understanding with her, but I think this caught him off guard. We found a few things we could make use of, plastic daggers and rapiers, and some accessories, which would make the final costume work well. But we couldn't find any tunics or outfits that we really liked. As expected, it was all plastic, and "sexy."

This took us a few stores to get through, which was fine. And afterward is when we hit up the thrift stores and flea markets to see if we could get anything that'd work. Cheap isn't bad if we can modify, and Max and I had gotten good over the years at modifying things. It was while doing this that Max joined us. We found some appropriate leggings and shirts, but we couldn't find anything we could use for the tabard. There were a few items here and there, but never enough for three and we wanted that at least to be uniform.

We were also having a hard time finding anything that'd fit Sam. He's tall, and muscular big. He mentioned usually going to Big and Tall stores for his regular clothes, or specially ordering things like his overalls and boots. We didn't think we'd find anything for him that'd work, but we decided to stop by one such store just to see. At the very least they might be able to recommend some place we could look. No dice.

By this time Max and I were starting to get hungry, and we mentioned getting something to eat. Candace seemed shocked at that, and Sam had to explain that the two of them were fasting for the day. The only explanation we got was that it was the new moon. Knowing that they feast on the full moon, it kinda makes sense, but I still don't understand what the reasoning is behind it all.

Candace wanted to go see a tailor, which Max and I were both sure we couldn't afford. So Sam suggested dropping us off at a restaurant where we could eat and relax, and he'd take Candace to go see about a tailor. We accepted, but it was kinda awkward.

When they returned to pick us up, Candace didn't look very happy. Sam just said they couldn't find one that'd work for us. I asked Candace about it later, she didn't explain further, but I got the impression that she had a particular tailor in mind. I asked if she was remembering anything. She said she wasn't sure. I'll have to remember that later, some time when we're more relaxed.

We hit up the malls, and did a little more looking around, but by that point it was getting late. Sam and Candace were also getting tired, which if they were fasting is no surprise. So Sam brought Max back to her vehicle and we agreed to meet back at Candace's. Max was okay to go home, but Sam said he had a surprise for us. Not one to turn anything down from Sam, Max was happy to follow him.

When we got to Candace's, Sam pulled out an unfinished Rapier! He said it took him some time to figure out what all he needed to do, but now that he knew what to do he could make each of us one of our own. He said even with some anticipated delays, he should be able to have them finished by Halloween. Max was thrilled, and I'll admit my own excitement. But I don't think any of the events will allow us to bring in real weapons, and I said as much. Sam said that with the plastic swords we got today, we could bring those if his weren't accepted, but that this way we could get some pictures with the real thing.

We were all thrilled, and Sam beamed. But yet again I got the impression that he was holding out more for Candace's approval than anyone else's. Max didn't seem to notice, and I don't want to pop her little bubble, but I still think it's odd. And that's not to diminish what he's done. It's great that he's embraced joining us after not wanting Candace to go at all. It just doesn't seem to fit, there's a piece missing to this puzzle.

We still hadn't found anything for Sam, nor anything we could use a tabards. So we had a short discussion about what to do, and Sam reminded us that he has some contacts with the Renaissance circuit. He said he'd reach out to them, and maybe he could turn something up. We're looking at two weeks, and I'm a little worried about that. Either way we'll meet next Thursday, and if Max and I have to make our own, we'll find a way. They may not look pretty, but they'll pass in the low light of a Halloween night.

Oh well, off to bed with me. I have work again tomorrow.

Looking over yesterday's journal, I just realized in all our fun and excitement I forgot to ask Max about recommendations. Oh well, I'll see them again later, I think these next few weeks are going to be too busy for a show anyway.

October 18th, 2017

Went to visit Dr. Laurie today. Before I showed him my journals, he told me that he had sent my brain scans off to a couple of specialists he works with to see what they had to say about them. They regularly confer with each other so as not to rely solely on their individual opinions. The general consensus is that my little death has grown and is starting to put pressure on my visual cortex. They aren't sure what exactly it'll mean. My dizzy spells could become more common, I might go blind, I might start seeing things, or have my vision shaded a particular color. Or nothing could happen at all. They don't know, but this is something that I do need to be aware of and Dr. Laurie stressed that writing a journal would help them know how my case proceeds. The more they know, the better. Even if not for me.

So we turned our attention to my journals. I brought up what I had seen at the Botanic Gardens. Dr. Laurie said that while it's possible, it's also possible that I saw an insect with a coloration that made me think I was looking at a tiny person. I had already thought of that, so with his consensus we moved on. I was hesitant to tell him about what all was going on, and he noticed and prodded me.

So I told him about the video that Max had found, I told him about Hal's experiences, and what he thinks is going on. I told him I'm worried that if I start seeing things I won't be able to tell what's real and what's not. Dr. Laurie was fantastic, he said that even for people who don't have issues with hallucinations, we all have problems being able to tell what is real and what is not. He said that in his experience the most powerful method we have of discerning what is real is consensus. His recommendation to me was to find someone I could confide in, someone I can spend time with and be able to question what I'm seeing. That way if I'm not sure that what I'm seeing is real, I can ask them and they'd be able to offer some consensus.

He's known of Max for as long as I have, I've always talked about her, so his suggestion was to confer with her more. He was a more concerned about Hal. Dr. Laurie said that when people start worrying about conspiracies or believing they are part of conspiracies, it often shows that they need some help themselves. Though he admitted usually people thought they were the target of a conspiracy, he wasn't sure if anyone had ever believed themselves to be taking part in a conspiracy.

Dr. Laurie's final suggestion was that I start meeting with a shrink. His expertise allowed him to work on the tumor that might cause hallucinations. He didn't have the tools or methods to deal with the effects those hallucinations might have on me. He said there were a few in the area he'd be happy to recommend, and I now have a small list of shrink's to call.

I have to admit, it's scary to think I might need a shrink. But if I'm being honest with myself, it's probably the best thing I could do. I'm not crazy, at least I don't think so. But if I do start hallucinating, I might become crazy. A shrink would be someone who might be able to prepare me for my hallucinations and give me the tools to be able to identify them and work with them.

Of course, this all assumes that I will hallucinate. I could just go blind. Or not. Noone's sure what will happen, not three specialists in brain tumors. So Dr. Laurie was also right to ask me if I'd been working on my techniques for losing my sight. I admitted I hadn't been. He stressed that for all my worry about hallucinating, I should be more worried about going blind. If my hallucinations become too much, I might be put in a position where I can't rely on my vision even if I keep it.

He did remind me though that whatever happens, it'll happen slowly. My little death, even for having grown, is still growing at an incredibly slow rate. Whatever happens, I'll have plenty of time to identify and adjust. He said he'd be more worried if I go a long time without anything happening, because then it'd be more likely to have something sudden happen.

So either way I need to keep my journal.

As far as my dizzy spells went, he did agree that if they had become too common it was a good idea for me to call him. Considering my tumor growth though, he said it wasn't surprising to him that I had had more dizzy spells than usual. He compared my tumors to earthquakes, after shocks from my blackout. He said that my brain would have to adjust to the changes, and as it did I'd probably level off and go back to a regular rate of attacks. But with only a few weeks to go by, he said I shouldn't get my hopes up prematurely. Things always take time, and the new size of my little death might mean more dizzy spells.

There's no way to know. I hate that phrase, but at the same time I know its honest.

So we scheduled me next appointment in April, and he said that if I keep having difficulties with my dizzy spells I might up my dose by a pill every other time I take it. But if I do that, I need to record it. If he has to he'll write another prescription.

So all in all a good visit. I do like that he's as understanding as he is. I think another doctor might be judgmental about having friends who are into conspiracy theories. Since I had had scans taken in August we just took a cursory scan to make sure nothing had changed, and everything checked out. When I come back in April we'll be taking a complete set of scans to see how my little death is progressing.

Mom stopped by Bonnie Brae like we always do after an appointment and I was allowed to eat it on the couch watching Legion. Probably not the best show after a Dr's appointment, but I've been wanting to finish it. What a way to end the season! And of course the cliff hanger to bring people back for the next season. I was wondering how they'd do it.

Actually, I've got a lot of thoughts on the matter. If the Shadow King has been completely removed, that'd undoubtedly change David's memories. He's been troubled for as long as he can remember, and he's built strategies for dealing with his issues. For those issues to be so suddenly gone, his coping mechanisms can't also have been erased. This makes me think there should be other issues to come from this, issues that can't be solved with a cobbled together mind numbing device or whatever. He would need a shrink for those issues.

Again, kinda like me. Is it any wonder I identify with him so much?

I have to admit, I was expecting Syd to do something like she did. I wasn't sure how they'd bring it about, but her ability had to be pivotal.

Which brings me to the question of what to watch next. I've been avoiding watching Supernatural, got started on Legion since it was only eight episodes. But I was hoping to have a day or two where I could just binge the entire season. I'd hate to have waited this long and then still watch it one episode per week. Maybe I'll bring it up with Candace, she might enjoy it and if she'd watched it before it might trigger some memories. If not though, I might have to start all over with her. Which is not an unpleasant thought, but we'd have to get Netflix or something.

The other option is to turn back to Crunchyroll and see if there's anything more for RWBY. If not Max had made some other recommendations I could look up.

Oh well, I'll have Max and Candace tomorrow. We can talk about that while getting our Halloween on. Can't Wait!

October 17th, 2017

Tuesday has come and past, the Friday of my week. It just seems this week was so quick, and I have to remind myself that it was. Three days of work following my requested days off, and is why last week dragged for so long. Not much to report, wasn't put on guard duty, and guests were light today.

This weekend is going to be busy though. Tomorrow is my appointment with Dr. Laurie. I've got my notes together so we can look at my dizzy spells. They have been more common since I went down in August, but I'm down to about one a week. Looking over my calendar I was having two a week all through September. It seems they've finally tapered off. Here's to hoping it'll stay that way.

After I get home I'll have to do chores. I'm hoping I can finally finish Legion, that last episode is begging to be watched.

Then on Thursday Max'll come get me and we'll meet up with Sam and Candace to go shopping for our Halloween costumes. Writing that down and realizing it's in the works, suddenly I can't wait. This Halloween is going to be awesome!

October 16th, 2017

John didn't like how much talking we were doing yesterday, so today he had me watching the entrance to the Egypt exhibit. At first I'd panicked because I couldn't find my note packet. But when I got to the information display we'd set up I found my notes tucked away where I'd left them. I'm getting better about knowing how to answer the questions we get asked, so it's no wonder I'd left the notes there. But of course having them is better than not, which is why I was stressing over it.

I don't know if it was that stress or not, but I had another dizzy spell while I was guarding the entrance. Ann was coming to relieve me for my first break, and as she got to the top of the escalator I just about took a nose dive off the railing. The guest I was talking with tried to catch me, but I still crumpled pretty hard against the railing. While my arm hurts even now, I didn't break anything. They moved me to the wall and propped me up against it, I just spent my break there.

The attacks don't last that long, it's not like I was dizzy the whole fifteen minutes, but I didn't want to get up after that. That was scary. After today I don't think I'll be guarding the Egypt display anymore, but John wasn't happy that I couldn't "carry my weight." Whatever.

Beyond that excitement, my day was pretty boring. I did stand guard the rest of the day, a few steps further away from the railing than I had been. It went fine.

October 15th, 2017

Hi ho, hi ho, it's back to work I go. Despite my residual excitement, I pretty much passed out as soon as my head hit the pillow. I hadn't slept well the night before, because of course I was excited for the tournament to come. So yesterday morning was hard getting up, but once the excitement hit I was pretty much on a high all day long. I guess it's no wonder I fell asleep so easily.

This morning was hard getting around again, but I did get enough rest. I missed the bus, but Mom was able to give me a ride and I made it to work on time. The girls at work were all excited to hear about the tournament. Most of them hadn't known much about Roller Derby before I started talking to them about it, and even still many of them aren't as interested themselves. But they all know now, and are willing to share in my excitement even if they aren't as excited. Some of the guests even overhead the conversation and had to speak up. It was a lot of fun today.

Except for John, he didn't like us talking about things outside of work. Not that he likes us talking amongst ourselves much anyway. But he got to witness one of the guests reacting to the conversation and after that he let it go.

Though I'm kicking myself. It seems I forgot to tell Hal all about it. He joined me for lunch, which was odd for a Sunday. Normally we would have talked on Friday to confirm dinner plans for Saturday night. Of course, Friday I was off.

It's not like we make plans for the following Saturday evening while having dinner. He doesn't usually bring it up until Friday when he joins me for lunch, and he doesn't want to talk much outside of that. As nice toward him as I have been, he has been taking our dinner's for granted. Part of me feels good about sticking it to him that way. Of course the rest of me apologized for not mentioning it.

All that said, he told me he was glad I had fun and even asked about the tournament. He knew of the roller derby, but he'd never been to a bout. He mentioned next time I might invite him to come with.

We'll see.