October 14th, 2017

It's late and I have work in the morning, but I'm still buzzing from the excitement. Max and I had so much fun! The Tournament was amazing, and all the competitors looked like they were having the time of their lives. The matches blur together in my mind of jams, blocks, walls, bridges, scores, screaming, and the announcers being as brash as they could.

In one match that stands out to me, the opposing team tried to goatherd Aunty Entropy as their Jammer was coming up behind. Aunty Entropy recycled one of their blockers by bumping her off the inside of the track, then she raced to catch up to her blockers. Their Jammer had passed her, getting the point, but with Aunty Entropy close enough to the pack we were able to legally hinder the opposing Jammer. Our Jammer was coming from behind and Aunty Entropy held out her hand and whipped her past their Jammer gaining that last point needed just before the Jam ended. It was spectacular, and the opposing Jammer was lead, she hadn't even realized that our Jammer had passed their blockers. If she'd have ended the Jam early, our Jammer wouldn't have scored any points. They'd have only got one point, but it'd have been better than us getting a grand slam.

There were a few injuries, fortunately none serious, but one player did have to sit out the rest of the day. Aunty Entropy took a hard fall sliding off the track into the wall. They had to call in a doctor to give her the once over worried she might have hurt her neck. She's tough though, and the doctor let her back onto the track.

While our team was taking an extended break, they allowed some of the fans including Max and I to get signatures. I had bought a jersey on the way in so I was prepared, and I got Aunty Entropy's signature!

There was just so much happening and it was so much fun. I wish I could write more, but I really need to get to bed.

October 13th, 2017

I went into today dreading what would happen with Sam, and there was a moment there when I thought he'd blow up. But today turned out really well overall. Despite starting off with an attack that is. Right as Max was picking me up, she got here about eleven-thirty, as I was walking out to her car a dizzy spell came on and I tripped on the lawn. Fortunately it was in the lawn, last thing I needed before going to Candace's would be a busted nose or something. Just walking along talking with Max about the movie, we both love The Three Musketeers, and next thing I know I've got a face full of dead leaves.

Dad and Max were there to pick me up instantly, and both of them know me well enough by now that it was just another day. They helped me up and made sure I was okay while we brushed the leaves off, and then it was back on our way. Max asked me about my dizzy spells since my blackout. I told her they've been all over the place, few days in between here and there. There were a couple of weeks I had three in each week, and then like this one was the first I'd had in about a week. Not much we can do about it, but it's nice having someone I can be frank about the attacks with.

Anyway, we got to Candace's place, and Sam was already there much to Max's pleasure. We had all day and only the movie planned, so we spent a lot of time just talking. Sam worked in the kitchen, he was making homemade pasta and an apple pie which smelled great. Of course Max offered to help in the kitchen, and Sam took the extra hands happily enough. I'm not sure he realizes she likes him.

Now, Candace and I did talk the other day, but I didn't know if she had talked with Sam about it. And I did still want a final answer so that Max and I could appropriately use our time. If we needed to come up with another costume, we needed to know now. So I pointedly asked Candace if she had come to a decision about joining us for Halloween.

Candace looked to Sam before looking back to me, and I think there was a glimmer of rebel in her eye as she said she wanted to join us. She did however recognize that Sam had some concerns, and we hadn't really discussed exactly what we were planning on doing, only that we had an idea for a costume. That is a legitimate concern, and while I'm not happy that she had to say it was Sam's concern, it is a question that needed to be answered regardless.

So between Max and I, mostly me, we explained that there's a number of haunted houses that we try to hit up every year, and then the Creepy Walk in the Woods in Loveland. They take place in the days leading up to Halloween, so we usually plan on dressing up on two nights and sometimes that means two costumes. And if Max can score us some invites to parties, we'd like to go to those, but generally our target is the haunted houses.

I knew Max would want to invite Sam to join us, so I mentioned that a chauffeur would be useful. Max picked up on my hint and said he could even go as the Count d'Winter and join our costume of three. Sam did hesitate, and I think he was considering his objections against the reality that he'd be in a better position to keep Candace safe if that was truly his intention. When he came to a decision, he agreed to join us, but he couldn't remember who the Count d'Winter was.

At that point we knew we needed to watch the movie. So while Sam and Max maintained their joint venture in the kitchen, Candace and I moved the living room around so that we could watch TV while eating dinner. Sam's help would have been nice for that, I'll admit, but we managed well enough. I'm no push over, just short, but Candace is surprisingly strong for how skinny she is. The couch was probably the hardest thing to move, and we didn't need to pick it up.

Dinner was excellent, as always, and everyone had a lot of fun with the movie. Max and I had to bite our tongues as we usually speak the lines along with the movie, complete with our own silly commentary. Sam enjoyed it, and remembered watching it before, just that it had been years. Once Sam recognized who we were suggesting his costume be, he was initially offended and we had to remind him that he'd be the male version of.

Candace though, she was quiet through the whole movie, not saying anything. She didn't react emotionally at all, no laughing, no crying. I was worried she didn't like it. Once the movie was over though, she had all these questions. She didn't get a lot of the jokes, so we had to explain them. She also seemed really unhappy with the choreography, and being a dancer that isn't too remarkable. What needs to be explained is that she was unhappy with how they presented the sword fighting. She was talking about how to use a dagger and rapier as though she had personal experience. "They should be standing, presenting only their sides to each other." "They should be stabbing forward aggressively, not swinging wide and projecting their attacks."

Max and I weren't sure how to respond, but Sam reminded her that it was a movie, a play. That the actors weren't trained swordsmen, and that they fought like that as much to safely interact as to show the audience a compelling story. If they fought genuinely, there wouldn't be much excitement for the audience. Candace seemed to accept that.

Afterward, she did say she very much enjoyed it, and she wanted to be Aramis. Max didn't hesitate to claim Athos, which I think she wanted to be able to fawn over Sam as the Count d'Winter. That left me with Porthos, which is who I've always wanted anyway.

The rest of the night was making plans. Max knew where we could get the costume pieces, but we'd need to go get our measurements taken and everything. So we've got another shopping trip planned for this coming Thursday. I just hope its not too late. But Max and I have been late before, and with some creative shopping we can throw something together well enough. I'm sure we'll have something, I'd just don't like plastic and "sexy."

We talked some more after plans were settled, but Max and I quickly realized that it was getting late. We both need to be around early tomorrow for the tournament. As is usual, I'm so excited that I'm not sure I'm going to sleep. Between finally getting to do The Three Musketeer's, and the tournament tomorrow, I'm practically vibrating. I just better not spend all day tomorrow half awake.

October 12th, 2017

Yesterday I was off because my internal clock was prepared for my usual weekend. Today it feels more like I'm in limbo, just going to work over and over and over. Fortunately I know tomorrow I have off, and I have things to look forward to, but my body is just tired and wants to rest. I'm trying to get the rest of my chores done tonight, but honestly I'm about to crash.

Looking at my calendar though, I realize it's been a week since my last dizzy spell. Time flies when bored at work I guess. That makes me nervous though going into these next two days. If I have a dizzy spell tomorrow, that'll be alright, but I'll be less comfortable at the tournament. Hopefully I don't have one over the next few days at all, but as I've long since learned, that's too much to ask.

October 11th, 2017

As has been in the works for this week, I had to work today when normally I'd take it off. I usually do chores today too, which means I'm a week into my clothes. I could wait till Friday and do laundry then, but I want to be able to go to Candace's. The trade off is that I'm doing my laundry now that I'm home from work and am working on what chores I can. It's making for a later night than I'd prefer, and I'm missing being able to watch a show this week. But, I'll get to introduce Candace to The Three Musketeers on Friday, so no complaints.

Today was just weird for me, working when usually I'm off I mean. I woke up this morning prepared for my usual weekend, only to have to get dressed and go to work. And all day felt like I was doing my Friday all over again, except that because it was Wednesday rather than Tuesday, we had more guests than my usual Fridays. Tomorrow is probably going to be the same, only it'll be my third Friday. I'm tired, and doing chores is a drag. It'll all be worth it for this weekend though.

October 10th, 2017

I need to get to yesterdays events since I didn't have time to write it down last night. There really wasn't much going on today anyway, so my primary mission of recording no dizzy spells is the only thing worth mentioning.

Yesterday after work I took the public transportation route I had looked up to get to Candace's from the Museum. I just headed on over, and in retrospect I should have let them know I was coming. I just don't think my lack of warning is as big an issue as Sam made it out to be. Besides, the only way I have of contacting Candace is through Sam, and I wanted to be able to talk with her without him being around.

It was a route I'd never taken before, and normally I would make sure to go on these routes with someone I knew just in case. A bit of a gamble, especially with how often I've been having these dizzy spells. I had been worried about having an attack though, so I texted Mom and let her know what I was up to just in case. As noted though, I didn't have any spells so everything went well and I got to Candace's before seven.

I knocked on her door and rang the bell, there wasn't any answer and I didn't notice any lights on. More than anything, this is why I know now I should've sent word ahead. I was a bit concerned that maybe she was out with Sam or something, but knowing she liked spending time in her garden I decided to check there first before I left. I made my way around to her gate and called out her name hoping she was back there. As I reached the gate, her cat jumped up to the top of the fence and scared the crap out of me.

When I regained my composure, I turned my attention back to the cat who was looking down on me. It felt as figurative as it was literal. Remembering Candace speaking to him so directly the other night, I found myself doing the same. "Is Candace around?" I asked. The cat regarded me coolly for a moment, and then he jumped back down behind the fence.

I felt silly having asked, it's not like he actually understood me. But when I opened the gate, there he was on the other side waiting expectantly. As soon as I saw him, he stood up, turned and walked back into the yard. His tail raised, and the tip flicked forward like a finger beckoning me to follow. If I were to think he was reacting to me intelligently, I'd be more inclined to think he was mooning me.

Either way, I followed. That was the way I wanted to go anyway. And sure enough I rounded the corner of the house to find Candace busily working on her garden. It was odd, being so late, but I guess if its the only thing she's got to keep herself busy... Anyway, the cat walked up to her and rubbed along the side of one of her legs. She looked down and followed the cat's gaze back to me.

I apologized for showing up unannounced, but asked if we could talk. Candace was gracious for my company and said I was welcome anytime. She said she was needing to clean up and make dinner anyway, she hadn't realized how late it was. So I helped her clean up and then we went in.

She asked what was on my mind, and I said I was curious her thoughts on Max. Turns out my fears were for not, Candace said she really enjoyed having Max's company and was looking forward to having her over on Friday to watch a movie. She was curious about Halloween and was interested in taking part in our costume, but she was more concerned with Sam.

Which is where we got to talking about him. It seems Sam is less enthusiastic about Candace joining us for Halloween. I didn't understand and said as much, so she explained that Sam was concerned about her safety. He was worried that she'd get lost, and other sorts of lame excuses. I explained that she'd be with Max and I, and that we had even discussed including Sam so he could be there as well. Candace knew, and had said as much to Sam herself, at least about being with Max and I. She said he just shook his head and said she couldn't understand.

I told her she was her own woman, she didn't need Sam's permission or even his approval to join us. She nodded and agreed, but she said she had a feeling that Sam was important, that he was protecting her. I asked, "protecting you from what?" She just shook her head, she didn't know. It was just a feeling she had.

With my own feelings being a source of concern, I didn't want to dismiss her's. But I remembered that Dr. Laurie had said I needed to justify them. So as tactfully as I could, I asked her what made her feel that way. She said she wasn't fully sure, that it wasn't any one thing. She said that when she left her property she felt vulnerable. Like someone was looking for her. I asked if she had had that feeling when we walked to the park, and she admitted that she had. But she didn't have that feeling in the back yard.

So I asked about when we went shopping, and she said no. She said when Sam was around she felt protected, safe. But when I probed about Sam's actions, she said that part of her feelings were based on his own actions. He was protective of her, always looking out for her and checking in on her. It was his behavior when he was around, the way he checked the property and all the locks, how he checked in on her every day. He'd ask if anyone had stopped by, which usually no one did. But she remembered one time some people had stopped by offering to talk to her about Jehovah.

I laughed immediately recognizing the Jehovah's Witnesses, which seemed to unsettle her. I explained that they were just missionaries looking to save her soul, that they were generally harmless. That seemed to put her at ease, but she explained that when she told Sam about them, he went into overdrive wanting to know everything about them, everything she could remember. Their descriptions, their clothing, what they said, when they stopped by, everything. Candace handed him the magazine they'd left her and then he took off. When he came back later that day, he said they wouldn't be bothering her again.

Candace seemed sincere about Sam being a source of safety for her, so I didn't want to press on his actions too much. But I do find them concerning. Being protective of another person is perfectly understandable, particularly if they are vulnerable like Candace is with her amnesia. Even more so if the person is familiar, a friend, or family. I suspect compounding that protective feeling is having so recently lost his brother, Eli. So I am compassionate about Sam being protective of Candace, and I think it's noble for him to take care of her as he has. But I think I've mentioned before that I feel he's being overly protective.

For him to get her groceries once in a while is fine. But doing so all the time keeps her at home. She's not able to go out and learn to care for herself. Thinking back over these last few months, and I have to admit I don't know everything Candace has done over this time. But the only times I know of her leaving her house was in Sam's company. With the one exception of us going to the park, and Sam wasn't happy about that.

We chatted lightly while having dinner, and I used the time to think. I don't want to interfere with her relationship with her brother-in-law, especially if he helps her to feel safe. But I do want to help make her a bit more self reliant. And thinking about how I had come over unannounced, I got to thinking about her having a phone of her own again. We hadn't stopped by any cell stores while we were out shopping, I was more concerned about making sure Candace had some appropriate clothing. But then I realized, she should have her own landline here at the house.

Sure enough, with a cursory scan of the room I found a wall phone right next to her fridge where the kitchen meets the living room. It was a simple phone, there was no voice mail option or machine hooked up to it, just buttons and receiver. When I picked it up there was a dial tone. Candace was watching me with curiosity, but she seemed confused when I said her phone worked. She didn't know what it was for, but said that every once in a while it made a godawful ringing noise that she escaped by going outside.

Let me interrupt here in my retelling. I know she has amnesia, and far be it for me to claim I'm some sort of expert in the area, but my understanding was that amnesia just affected a persons memories and identity. It didn't affect their skills, or their ability to use tools and interact with the world around them. So an amnesic person should be able to accurately climb into a car, turn it on, and drive away as they always had. They just won't remember which car is their own. For Candace to not know what a phone is, or how to use it, or her inability to use the TV remote, these things strike me as indicating something more than just amnesia.

Of course the other possibility is that she's just never used them or had them before. Which in today's world seems ridiculous. Possible, but highly unlikely. But if she's a dancer, she'd need to know how to use technology enough for any music player she might have had, many of which would have a remote. Getting to and from gigs would require transportation, planning such things would require information technology. How is it that she'd have lost those basic everyday skills?

I might have to do some research and see if amnesia can affect those things. I'm not privy to what's said between her and her doctor, which is how it should be. But now I'm curious and really want to know. I asked her about it, hoping maybe she'd be able to fill me in, but she said her doctor was happy with her progress. She didn't indicate anything specific about her condition, only that he expected her memories to return in time. But he hadn't recommended her to any other doctors that might specialize in that area, nor did he offer her any exercises for recovering memories.

Anyway, back to her phone. I then taught her how to use it. She didn't even know her phone number, and couldn't produce any phone bills that might have it. At the time I didn't think about it, but she's been there since late August, she should have received at least one bill if not two. So now I'm curious about why the phone even worked.

So I just dialed my own number, which brought her number up on my phone. It allowed me to save her number and now I can call her directly. Then I called it back just to make sure, and when her phone rang, Candace was initially startled and demanded to know what I had done. Process of learning I guess. She still doesn't like the noise, but she knows what it means. And knowing that she had been called before, I let her know about telemarketers and scammers and everything else. So she knows that if she doesn't recognize the person she's talking to, she'll hang up. And then I had her call me so she could see it in action.

She was thrilled to learn, and once she had she found she was no longer scared of the ring. So then we turned our attention to how to use the TV remote. As many times as I've visited, the TV was never really used. She knew how to turn it on and off, but since she'd started that garden she hadn't even touched the remote. I had programmed it to record the tournament, but that was it.

So we went over it, and she got it this time. At the hospital everyone just make the same basic assumption as me, that here's the remote and she'd know what to do. She never did. Pushing all the buttons had done nothing until she turned it on, and then pushing the same button turned it off. She'd not experimented with hitting any of the other buttons because they hadn't done anything in the first place.

So now she knows, which is good. With winter coming she's not going to be able to continue working on her garden. Another hobby wouldn't be bad, but being able to watch TV would be nice.

I'm dragging on now. That was pretty much my night, what happened was that we were able to have an open discussion without Sam around. I'm happy for her that she feels safe, that's important when things are as uncertain as I'm sure they are for her. But I find myself revisiting my concerns about the two of them that I've always had. There's something about Sam that strikes me as odd, and overprotective doesn't fully explain it. Not that being overprotective is okay either. I didn't ask Candace to keep her phone use secret, but if she doesn't tell Sam, I won't either.

It was getting late at that point, so I called Mom and asked if she could come get me. She was happy to do so, but didn't know the route and had to google it. It was also nice to have Mom and Candace meet properly outside the hospital.

Tomorrow would normally be my day off, but I'll be working so I can take the weekend off. It'll also be the 6th day in a row. So I'm going to get to bed now, especially after being up so late last night.

October 9th, 2017

Just got back from Candace's, and it's quite late. I'm just writing this to note that there were no dizzy spells today, I need to get to bed and don't have time to write out what I need to. So consider this a note to myself so I don't forget.

October 8th, 2017

I was looking at my calendar today, and noticed that my Dr's appointment is coming up. Not this Wednesday, but the next. Going to have to keep that in mind and get my notes together, all my dizzy spells and everything. Today was also the third day since my last episode, but nothing happened. I don't know, they've never been predictable, I don't know why they'd start being so now. We went from simply keeping track of when I got dizzy, to tracking it against my periods. No pattern or connection. Of course I was getting my spells before I'd even reached puberty so that probably shouldn't have been surprising, but we had to check anyway. So we started keeping track of my stress levels and that's about why I started writing this journal. Tests at school, my interactions with the other kids and how that might have affected me. Just trying to pay attention to what caused me stress in my life.

I'll have to talk with Dr. Laurie about what all's going on. What I'd seen in the botanic gardens might be the only hallucination I've actually had. But with what all Hal has been talking with me about, I kinda feel I should tell Dr. Laurie everything. I'm just scared he might have me committed.

I don't know, I've got a week and a half before I really have to worry about it.

Today was busy, and they needed me to cover Alecia's break for lunch. She was the "security guard" standing outside the Egypt display. Her lunch was right in the middle of the busy period, and I didn't have my information packet with me. I remembered most everything, we've been answering questions left and right up front as well. But there were a few questions I couldn't remember for the life of me how to answer. And of course those were the pushy guests. Fortunately Alecia got back while I was working with one, so she was able to answer their question and let me go take my own lunch.

It was just an exhausting day, so I'm hitting the sheets early.