March 24th, 2018

We haven't always lived here, so I've moved before. But it's been a long time since I've moved and I don't really remember doing it before. When Efe left to join the service, he pretty much left everything behind. In fact his room still has all of his stuff right where he left it. Mom dusts it out every so often, and he's come home to visit a couple of times. But he didn't exactly move. Batel on the other hand did move, and since we were sharing a room that pretty much opened things up for me. I did get to help with that though, and packing her things up and hauling them to Arizona is easy to remember since it was only almost a year ago.

Packing her things up was mostly just a lot of work, but there was a certain amount of emotion involved because my sister was moving away. But moving myself, it's almost opposite. It's still work, but there's a lot more emotion involved. As Mom and I are going through things, it's more like we're going through my memories to see what's there. It was the same with Batel, but they were her memories as much as anything. This time they're my memories.

That was my day today, just cleaning things up and packaging them away. Fortunately I'd done laundry recently, so my clothes were easy to pack away. Saving enough out for the next few days to remain descent. We've still got a lot to pack though, and it's a little mind blowing realizing how much crap I've got. I hadn't though I'd had that much stuff, but now I've got the boxes to prove otherwise.

Sam'll be by tomorrow to start moving the big things with his trailer. Since I'm only moving across town, we're not in as much of a rush to move all the things right now like we were with Batel. But the more we can get on that trailer the easier it'll be later. Besides, once my bed is moved, I'll have to be able to start sleeping at Candace's. So I'll need my clothes and toiletries to come with. The rest can come at a more relaxed pace.

Long day today, I expect it'll be another long day tomorrow.

March 23rd, 2018

I'm scared and excited, in different measure at different times. I've always lived with my parents, and there's a comfort in that. But I've also, even more so recently, been wanting to move out. My thoughts had been that Max and I might find a place together, but everything she could find was associated with the college which I wasn't also attending. So that just never happened.

Now that the opportunity has presented itself, I'm excited to finally be doing what I've long wanted. But it means I'm stepping outside of that familiarity, and that's kinda scary. I've heard horror stories about roommates that can't get along. Thanks to Hals recent roommate, I even have a horror story of my own. Thanks to those stories, the general consensus is to not move in with a friend if you want to remain friends.

The advantage though is that we already know each other, the only thing we don't really know is our living arrangements and how they'll mesh. But I think as long as we're open with each other we should be fine. Besides, she'll have the master bedroom which has its own bath. And I'll just have my own bathroom that I'll have to keep clean for guests, which is how it's been with my parents. Though admittedly Mom made sure to stay on top of certain things and I won't have her around anymore.

Sam said he's got a trailer that he uses to deliver some of his larger pieces, and we can use it to move my stuff. It's not an enclosed trailer, and I'm tempted to ask if we can get a rental instead. But either way, he'll haul it and help load/unload. We'll just have to plan ahead so he can make sure he's got the time. I asked about this weekend, but Sam already has a schedule. Besides, I need time to get boxes and pack everything up. So we're looking at next weekend as the best opportunity.

I talked with Mom and Dad about everything today. Mom kept saying I didn't have to move, that getting a job helping Sam was fine. Dad said that if I went to college I wouldn't have to pay rent. I think they're feeling the fear of losing me, even despite their ultimatum. This'll be good for me though, I need to move on and out. And unlike my siblings I'll still be in Denver.

Mom and Dad are being supportive though. Dad said he'd start bringing boxes home for me, and Mom offered to help pack them. She also mentioned that this would be a good opportunity for me to purge things that I didn't need or want anymore, and that she could store things that I might want in the future. Like keeping some of my toys for kids of my own or whatever.

This is going to be an interesting week as I dig out all my stuff and go over it. I'm wondering what I'll find. And I'm hoping I don't lose anything.

March 22nd, 2018

Today started out normally enough. Hal called up and asked about going to the gym and picking up Candace. He said he had the day free if I wanted to do something, but he knew I generally had plans with Candace. Of course, if he could be of help at Candace's he was willing and able. I told him that Candace and I had plans, but we needed to talk. I told him I'd check in with Candace, and get back to him.

So when I called Candace up, I let her know what was going on. She encouraged me to take the morning to talk with Hal and that I could join her whenever I was ready. So I called Hal up and asked if we could go somewhere we could talk. Hal suggested his place, of course, but I felt more comfortable in a neutral and public area. So we agreed to meet at the cafe down on 25th.

I told him I wasn't comfortable working with The Order. That I was no longer comfortable with him working with The Order. I won't prevent him from doing so, or ask him not to, I won't even make it a condition on us remaining together. I don't think that'd be fair. But I wanted him to know that I'm not comfortable with it anymore. To that end, I turned down their offer. Though I seriously considered asking if they'd just pay me to stay quiet. But part of me is still worried about how they'd react to such threats.

I understand that it's an incredible opportunity for him. His schooling is paid for and he's allowed, encouraged even, to continue to pursue his education at his own pace. And having a similar offer is tempting to me. I do want to go to college after all. But I wasn't prepared to lose my job again, especially not like that. I want my education to get me into a career that I can stay with, and I don't want some shadow organization pulling my strings and putting that career at risk. And no, I don't consider it okay that I could just get another similar job somewhere else.

I told him I was happy with our relationship, but I knew that it'd have to change going forward. I'm willing to try if he is, but I want to step back from The Order and all our conspiracy talk.

Hal listened, and he accepted my decision. He wants to continue with our relationship, which was good to hear. But he's going to want to have someone to be able to talk to about all this. For now, he'll see if he can make do just chatting with Brigida, and I suggested that Max has always been interested in conspiracy theories. Hal actually mentioned that it might be nice having someone to escape all that with. But I don't think he's ever going to be able to tear himself away, and I think he's aware of that too.

So we'll see how things go, and I'm glad we had this talk. It was nice afterward to hold him again and be held by him again. I did miss that.

Afterward he brought me to Candace's, and made the decision to go work on some of his own things.

In a way that was good, because I wanted to be able to spend some time with Candace and maybe see if I could identify what Sam was talking about.

Things went well, it was windy and cloudy today, which made it less enjoyable to work outside. Fortunately we were working with the small pots and seeds, so we could do that inside. Candace seemed to do well, even when I had a dizzy spell just before two. But as well as she seemed, I think I am seeing what Sam saw. She was waving her hands over one of the pots she had just planted, and was getting frustrated when nothing happened. Then there was her humor, which wasn't very humorous. She was mocking, especially toward Sam. When we first met, I remember her being dismissive and condescending toward him, but she seemed to come to accept him and even bond with him after coming to live here. But today, and even yesterday the way she teased him about asking for help with the table saw, she mocked him. It made me uncomfortable.

I finally called her out on it though, asking why she was harping on him so badly. She acted like she wasn't even aware she was doing it. And it seemed genuine, which is troubling on its own. Afterward she seemed to go back to herself. She stopped harping on Sam, and when he showed up later for dinner, she seemed to try to make it up to him.

I'm not sure what's going on with her, but I do think it'd be good to keep a closer eye on her. So over dinner I talked to them some more about the offers they had made me. I'll have to talk to my parents, though at the moment I feel like they're pushing me out anyway. But I'll take the empty room, that way I can just move my stuff in rather than having to claim things that are already there.

I'm not sure how much of an assistant to Sam I'd make, but for a time it'd be nice to have a little bit of cash coming in and I'd like to see his forge and stuff. So I'll try that out for size, and if I like it I can keep doing it. But if it's only part time, I'll still have to find another job. And when that comes alone we'll have to reassess my assistance to him.

Reaching that decision really seemed to take a weight off my shoulders, and if I'm not paying rent, maybe I can still save up and go to college rather that get another job.

When Sam was taking me home, he asked about his other offer, making my primary job be to be there for Candace. I told him I wasn't comfortable with us making those arrangements behind her back. But I also admitted I'd seen how she was acting differently, and I had to agree that maybe she does need someone there. So if he wanted to pay me a bit more on the side for doing something I'd do anyway... who was I to turn down more money?

Don't remind me about the tubing trip. I've got a different situation now, and with that comes different priorities.

I'm tired now that I'm home, so I stayed long enough to say good night to Mom and Dad, and then came up here to my room. I'll talk to them tomorrow about moving in with Candace.

March 21st, 2018

I hadn't talked to Candace or Sam to let them know what was going on. So I shouldn't have been surprised this morning when Candace called up asking about joining Hal and I at the gym. I hadn't even been to the gym since Saturday morning. So I got around real quick and suffered my parents disapproval long enough to get something in me and catch the bus.

They weren't all that bad, my parents. They were happy to see me up in the morning like usual, and had seen my applications from yesterday. I guess getting back to some relatively normal behavior on my part helps them to take Mom's advice and move on too.

At the gym I got Candace caught up on what happened. She thinks I should be proud of my actions and that the museum should be ashamed to lose me. I'm not sure she understands how important security is for the museum. Either way, it's a refreshing response to me and makes me feel a bit better.

Since I had already done most of my chores, and had the day to myself anyway, we decided to go take care of some of her things like we usually would. Then head back to her place. I hadn't planned on doing those things so I needed to head back home, which gave me the chance to grab the now completed applications to maintain a certain image in my parents eyes. A few of those applications I decided to turn in anyway, I do need some job after all.

So we ran some chores for Candace, just a couple of things she needed, but she was anxious to get home to work on her garden. I hadn't realized she'd bought so much stuff. I know I was there to watch her buy it, but at the time it was mostly numbers. Seeing the pile of wood, and potting soil, and everything else put those numbers into perspective.

Candace was relying on Sam to build the raised garden for her, and he had already started marking up the boards. But Candace didn't have the tools to cut the wood, so there they sat until Sam had figured out the dilemma. And until it got built, Candace didn't have the ability to work with her pots like she wanted. But we could start with the little pots, and that's what we did, got them ready for the seeds.

At one point I heard a noise that startled me. When I turned around I noticed Candace's cat sitting down after having jumped up onto the fence. He was watching something and when I looked my mind hallucinated a fairy flying away. Candace had been startled by it too, though not as bad as I. She laughed it off telling the cat "Good job, keep those pests out of here."

We lost ourselves in the work until Sam showed up surprised to find that I was there. He had brought a table saw that he could set up to cut the boards with and asked for some help getting it to the back. Candace teased him about needing help, which seemed friendly enough. But Sam scowled at her and so she went inside to clean up and start working on dinner.

Mostly Sam needed help getting it out of the truck, which he had his chain set up for moving the anvil. So we made use of that to get the table saw out, just to make it easy on us. And then it had wheels so even I could have taken it to the back. But someone needed to hold the gate. Once we got it in back we covered it up in case it rained, and Sam said he'd be able to cut the boards down the next day he had off. While we were there though he asked about our conspiracy dinner. He apologized that he'd missed the texts, but he was so busy he wouldn't have been able to make it anyway.

He knew Max had plans on Saturday evening with her family, and Hal and I got caught up in what was going on at the museum, so we hadn't even sent out texts. Which lead into another explanation of what had happened and where I now stand. Sam just listened, and didn't offer any judgement.

While we were eating dinner I vented some more, and admitted the ultimatum that my parents had left me with. Candace said if I needed I could move in with her, and Sam mentioned again needing a hand around the shop and said he could offer me a job if I wanted to help him with that. He couldn't offer me full time, but it'd give me at least some cash if I needed while I looked for something else. And Candace wouldn't hear about me paying rent, so I wouldn't need more than to cover my bills.

Actually, when Candace stepped away to go to the bathroom, Sam said that he really hoped I would take them up on their offers. At least Candace's. He said she's been getting worse lately and that he can't be here all the time. If I could move in with her, he'd be able to trust that someone was looking out for her when he couldn't be there. I asked what he meant by her getting worse. He said it was hard to explain, but I'd understand after spending some time here.

He said he didn't want me being any sort of live in maid, just that Candace needed help with things and if I were here he could trust she'd be fine. And he offered me to consider it my real job, he could pay me so that I wouldn't need to worry about finding another job and with me not paying rent I'd be better off altogether.

I thanked them both for their offers and told them I'd think about it. And while Sam was giving me a ride home, he didn't pressure me, he just thanked me as always.

I'm not sure I like him making these arrangements behind Candace's back, not without any good explanation of why. I also know that I've been feeling like I need to watch out for her from him for a long time. I've got so many questions about these two, including how he has the money to make this kind of offer. I'm a little worried about what I might be getting myself into, but this would be an opportunity for me to answer some of those questions. And I don't exactly have anything else going at the moment. I'll sleep on it tonight, and talk with them again tomorrow.

March 20th, 2018

Hal finally stopped texting today and allowed me space.

I spent the morning doing chores knowing full well Mom was there. She was happy to see me out. I had been out yesterday of course, but I'd pretty much hid from her and Dad so it's not like they saw me out. She did want to talk and while still disappointed in what I'd done, she felt it was time I accepted the consequences and moved on. To that end she was encouraging of me to find another job. And I do have a lot of money saved up, I could probably put in for some loans, scholarships, and other forms of financial aid and go to school.

It's just that I'd been working toward a scholarship through the museum and had hoped to do that this summer and start in the fall.

At least Mom wasn't dumping on me. Though I was still getting disapproving silence form Dad. Even with her encouragement, I still have an ultimatum on the table.

I have time now, I could go look in to admissions and financial aid at the college. But I still have bills that need to be paid, so I'll need a job either way.

They've been pretty adamant that I not spend time with Hal any more too. So when I got my chores done around the house, I left saying I'd be out looking for a job. Then I called Hal up and asked if we could meet somewhere. He picked me up at the next bus stop and we headed back to his place.

Hal was tripping over himself to apologize. He said he knew how much the job meant to me, but then he turns around and reminded me of the job offer with The Order. They'd pay for my schooling, and I'd earn enough money that I wouldn't have to worry about it. Then I could go out and do anything. He forgets that I'd also be trespassing secured areas and losing my job on a regular basis. I don't know what kind of career I could make out of that.

It's a tempting offer though. If they're going to get me into this kind of trouble, I may as well make them pay for it and take advantage. I told Hal I'd think about it.

I couldn't stay out forever though, and I wanted to make it look like I'd tried to get jobs. So I asked Hal to bring me home and stop by every fast food joint on the way. That way I could walk in with a pile of applications to fill out.

March 19th, 2018

Hal and Max's spring break started this week. I still hadn't responded to Hal's texts or his messages and I'd just about turned my phone off to stop getting calls when Max's name showed up on my screen. After spending most of yesterday in bed, and even most of this morning, I was feeling like I needed to get out. So I welcomed Max's invite to go get something to eat.

I ended up telling her everything that'd happened. She let me be disappointed in myself rather than adding to it, and counseled that I talk to Hal and let him know that I'm not angry at him. It was a nice long chat, and it's been a while since just us two did something. Max was feeling good about her midterms, she's already gotten most of her grades back and they're all A's. This next term she's got a project for one of her classes to create a short film and she's looking forward to that.

Candace texted while we were at lunch to let me know that the stuff she'd ordered from the garden supply store had arrived. She's looking forward to my days off so I can help her in the back yard. I couldn't bring myself to respond.

My parents were much more calm after I'd returned home. They still lectured me on responsibility and making the right choices and stuff. I guess Hal had come over while I was out hoping to catch me and instead caught an earful from Mom. Still, I have an ultimatum on the table to find a job, get into college, or find another place to live.

Feels like I'm getting kicked when I'm already down.

I finally sent Hal a text. I told him that I wasn't trying to shut him our or anything. I apologized for ignoring him and explained that I just need time to process. Then I turned my phone off.

March 18th, 2018

I've barely gotten out of bed today. I went downstairs around two to get something to eat. Mom was there and wanted to know what happened. I told her that Hal and I stayed after hours in the museum hoping to catch who was causing the troubles at work. She flat out told me that was stupid, that it was the security guards whose job it was to do that. She's very disappointed with my decision, and I can't blame her. I only half listened to her lecture, and then I went back upstairs and crawled back in bed.

When Dad came home he yelled at me too. I didn't go down for dinner.

Hal's been trying to call me all day. I've turned my ringer off so I don't have to hear it. He texts too, desperate to talk to me. He thinks I blame him, or that I'm angry with him. I'm not happy with him, but as much as anything I'm angry with myself for agreeing to do that at all. At first he kept trying to reassure me. When he realized I wasn't going to answer, that's when he started trying to plead his case and beg me to talk. I still haven't responded to him.

It's getting dark, Mom and Dad have gone to bed. I'm going to go grab something to eat real quick and then come back to bed. I don't know what I'm going to do tomorrow.