September 23rd, 2017

A lot has happened in the last two days. Yesterday was my Monday back to work, which was a day. Nothing of particular note other than that Hal has joined me for lunch and confirmed our dinner plans for tonight, which I just got home from.

What was of note was that during the last half of my shift, Sam was texting me frantically asking for my help with Candace. He said she was beside herself with grief, no matter what he tried he couldn't comfort her or otherwise calm her down. He didn't know what to do, and he was practically asking me to leave work just to help. She's a big girl dude, she can handle herself. After the memorial and visiting Eli's grave, maybe things were finally coming into focus for her. Maybe she was finally remembering something.

Still, obviously she was hurting. So I agreed to go over after work and be there for her. Sam was waiting for me as I was leaving the museum, he was acting like someone was in the emergency room or something. I couldn't move fast enough, the traffic couldn't move fast enough, and despite my protests he wouldn't slow down. By the time we got to Candace's place, I was furious with him. Plainly he was concerned, but his inability to handle that concern was unacceptable. I could hardly wait for him to come to a complete stop before I was out the door and yelling at him to go calm down. Happily he took my advice. He waited till Candace had let me in before he drove off taking his over the top reaction with him.

It did take a moment at the door before Candace answered. I had to call through the door and coax her into letting me in. She was a wreck, practically collapsed into my arms as soon as she saw me. I could understand Sam being concerned, but I still feel he was way out of line.

Anyway, we talked. I don't think Candace has ever really had to deal with death before. Even if she didn't have the memories, I would think she'd still have a coping mechanism. She didn't, she didn't know what to do, how to handle it. And it wasn't just Eli's death, it was the families at the memorial, the other survivors, and the realization that she could have died just as easily. It was survivors guilt, and the loss of her memories. Up till today she'd been coasting along just putting one foot in front of the other, she hadn't really given a lot of consideration to the position she was in.

She said though that visiting Eli's grave had made things real to her in a way she hadn't expected. And while she didn't seem to have the words for it, she was having an existential crisis. She asked me how I did it, how I could handle knowing that someday I'd die.

So I told her about my tumor. I'd told them about my dizzy spells and given them just enough information that they knew what was happening. But I've never really sat down and fully explained things to anyone. Not even Max. She knows, and she's been through a lot with me, but I've never really talked with her about it.

I told Candace everything. How I was diagnosed at seven, how I've know since then that I would never blow out forty candles on my birthday cake. A lot of people know death in the sense that they have family and friends who have died throughout their lives and the loss that death brings. Or seeing people die around them all the time, like working at a hospital or going to war. Then there's the people who work in morgues or mortuaries. I don't know death in that way, I have a small family and while I was there for grandpa's funeral, he was old and had lived a long life. No, I know death in a different way, I carry my death with me in my head.

I told her how after I was diagnosed, my Dad went quiet and wouldn't speak to me for a week. How Mom had told me years later that she had had to slap some sense into him. He had been mourning my loss, before he had even had the chance to celebrate my life. I told her how Grandma Pippa to this day still can't bring herself to get close to me, because she's scared​ of how much it'll hurt her when I die.

We talked for hours, and eventually I had to call Mom and let her know I'd be staying there. I texted Sam and let him know Candace would be okay, but that he'd need to stop by early to take me home and then to work. And then I called and ordered Chinese, and we stayed in and just had a girls night.

Candace was feeling much better this morning. She brought me out into the backyard to show me what she'd been doing back there. Under Eli's ownership the back yard had been neglected, and it still showed signs. But after we had visited the park, Candace had taken it upon herself to start showing the yard some love. There was a shade tree back there, which made it nice. And lots of lawn, great for a family with kids. Candace had started a garden, planting the seeds of plants native to the area. Some plants had already sprung up, but mostly Candace had only tilled earth. She'd had Sam bringing her supplies and helping her with the heavy lifting. But otherwise this was all her doing.

Having started so late in the season, she wouldn't see any results till next summer. It had been hard work, getting around on her crutches with her broken ankle. She'd hurt her hands, her knees, and suffered under the hot sun. But she knew that her work, her pain, would be worth it come next year.

She said that while we had talked last night, she had come to realize that life was full of pain. She was amazed at how well I had handled my own pain, and it had inspired her to embrace life and all the pain that goes with it. She wanted to know me before I died, she wanted my passing to be so painful for her that she'd never be able to forget it. Otherwise it just wouldn't be worth it.

Sam was much more calm when he came to pick me up. Of course then he opened the door on us cleaning up from crying some more. His eye went wide, and I could see the alarm welling up inside of him. So I told him to just calm down, sometime girls just need a good cry. And then Candace and I laughed at his expense and hugged him to calm him down. His relief was palpable. On the way home he apologized for how he'd been acting, and thanked me for visiting. I told him I was disappointed that he let himself get so carried away. He took it in stride, but didn't offer any explanation.

When Max stopped by for lunch, I told her about Candace and said they should meet. Max reminded me that Halloween was coming up, and we decided that we should include Candace in our costume this year. Will have to give that some thought.

So then after work Hal was picking me up for dinner. The restaurant was really nice, quite a step up from the diner food we had last week. We ordered and chatted a bit. Yet again Hal seemed reluctant to talk, and I was getting a little annoyed by that. So after a pause I repeated the question that I had asked at lunch on Monday.

Hal picked up his story by remembering how he had been brought to the hospital where we'd met. He said that while he was there he had been approached by two well dressed men. The younger one greeted Hal and introduced himself and his older companion. Hal was unwilling to tell me their names. He said they had heard about his adventures up at Lake Evelyn and wanted to know about his experiences.

Hal had admitted that when he had been found, he hadn't considered what people would think about his experiences. He was telling his doctor, his rescuers, anyone who asked, it was simply what had happened. But that when these two introduced themselves, he suddenly became aware what it is he had been saying and how it sounded. They had approached him as soon as they were allowed, before he and I had even met at the cafeteria.

They assured Hal that they were not there to commit him or anything, just that they were a part of an organization that was interested in what had happened to him. The older gentleman seemed to recognize Hal's hesitation, so he invited the younger visitor to give them some privacy. Hal said the younger one was almost as tall as himself, and seemed possessed of a sureness that bordered on arrogance. The older one though seemed kindly and genuine. And talking with him, Hal was comforted that he wouldn't be mocked or thrown into an asylum or whatever. So he told the older man what had happened, and for the first time someone actually seemed to believe him.

Once he was done with his story, the older man asked if they could meet once he was released from the hospital. When asked why, the older man said he had something he believed Hal would want to see, that it might answer some of Hal's questions.

I said it seemed very suspicious, and Hal said looking back on it he agreed, but that at the time he was just happy to have someone not declaring him delirious. Once he was out of the hospital, the old man contacted him again, and they set up a date to meet. Of course the younger guy was there too, which Hal needed to explain that he was only younger in relation to the old man. The younger guy was still older than Hal by maybe 10 years.

Anyway, the younger guy drove them both to a private building outside the city. Inside it looked like a small museum, or warehouse, with artifacts on display accompanied with volumes of meticulously gathered notes. There weren't many, but Hal got the sense that this building was but one of many located around the world. They brought him to a room within which was another runestone that looked identical to the one he'd found. Same stone, it even appeared to have the same runes. The difference being that while the one was mostly buried and he could only see the top fifth, this one was fully uncovered and stood a good eight feet tall. The carved runes flowed around a carved image that looked like a man standing next to a jagged line or something.

Hal confirmed that the runestone here looked very similar to the one he had seen, but that he couldn't be sure they were identical matches. The old man said they wouldn't be, but that wasn't the point. He told Hal that the world as we know it was but half of the world in its fullness. That our realm, the mortal realm, was separated from the other realm by Ohvao? Hal wasn't sure how it was spelled only that he was repeating what was said, so I'm just reproducing what it sounded like.

The old man said that he and his companion were part of the order, that their job was to protect the Ohvao lest it fall and release horrors upon mankind right out of myth and legend. Hal said he laughed at that, and that the old man took his laughter in stride. He said the old man was happy that his tale received such a response because it meant that their efforts were paying off. He then invited his companion to join them.

The younger associate stepped into the room and took out a gem that fit in the palm of his hand. Hal said it looked like amber, but that it was shaped like a gemstone and inside looked like a lock of hair. The associate held the gem out pointing it at the runestone, and the runestone caught fire.

Hal impressed upon me that the runestone was stone, that he had been allowed to inspect it. It had weight, it resisted his push, it had the course texture of stone and felt just like the runestone he had found at the lake. It caught fire like it was paper mache, and the heat that came off it was oppressive. The kind of heat that would be required to melt rock. The fire alarms went off and the sprinklers put out the fire, but even after the smoke stopped and the sprinklers stopped, the stone was still warm to the touch.

The younger man explained that they value human life, and that was why they were resolved to invite Hal to join their order to help them protect that secret. If Hal agreed, the younger man would take him as an apprentice, teaching him everything he knew.

Hal brought up his education, and they said that he would be allowed, encouraged even, to continue. That they wanted him to have those skills because they would be useful. Hal admitted that he was taken by the opportunity, and that he had agreed to join them.

Since he'd joined them, he had learned that mythology often had roots in the truth. They weren't completely true, but that they had elements of the truth. There are beings out there that are a threat to human life. Ancient Greeks called them Titans, the Norse called them Jotun, the Celts called them Fomori. The Ohvau was erected to imprison them, splitting the world and separating the mortal from the magical.

Our night was once again coming to an end, but Hal finished his story saying that he feared that in breaking that runestone, he might have damaged the Ohvau. He thinks the Ohvau is coming down, and that's why people are going missing. Also why others are displaying magical talents, like what happened at that church. Hal even brought to my attention a similar incident that made the news two days ago. Details are scarce, so we can't be sure who is responsible, but there was a mass sighting in Salt Lake City. Nothing was caught on camera, and Hal said that's because the image would have been visible only to human eyes. Onlookers though said something about a giant ape terrorizing the city. There were car accidents all along I-80 and the surrounding roads as everyone swerved their vehicles to avoid what they were seeing. Traffic cams, and other videos taken all showed cars swerving for no reason, all around the same time, all over the place.

Writing it down now, I wonder if that's what Max had wanted to show me. I told her not today, I needed to talk to her about something, but now I have to wonder. A question for another time, it's getting late and I need to wrap this up.

Before taking me home, Hal made me promise not to tell anyone. I made a jab at him about telling me, and he nodded and apologized. He explained that hearing what Max and I were discussing at lunch, he knew we were on to something and felt he needed to tell us. He believes the order that he's joined does actually value life, and if anything they'd probably ask me to join. I asked, what if I turn them down? Do they value life over their secrets? He said he didn't know, he hadn't even considered it.

I promised, asking though who I'd tell. Hal realized it sounded crazy, the only reason he'd told me was the conversation I'd had with Max. Without that prompting and the news stories, I wouldn't believe it. Even with all that, I'm still not sure.

I'm home now, and very much looking forward to sleeping in my own bed. Candace's couch wasn't any more comfortable than it looked. Giants locked away behind some magical construct, people disappearing, illusions of king kong, and an organization dedicated to keeping it all a secret. Could it be true? Or has Hal lost it? Or have I lost it just considering this? But what if it is true? What if that's what I've been feeling? As tired as I am, I don't think I'm going to get a lot of sleep.

September 21, 2017

You know those dreams where you begin to fall, or are falling, and it startles you awake? Waking up to a dizzy spell is a lot like that, except because you still have no sense of up or down you almost feel like you're still falling. I learned this today, as did my Mom who came rushing into my room thanks to my scream for help. Fortunately Dad was already off to work, so I only had one parent to calm down once I regained my own sense of balance. Still, it made for a very ominous start to the day.

It was probably good that I woke up so early, gave me a chance to get around slowly and properly wake up before Sam was knocking on our door at 9. I hadn't seen him so well cleaned up since that first day I'd seen him in the hospital. First impressions and all.

Anyway, I loaded up with Candace in his truck. His parents were coming separately and had the SUV. Candace was in a somber mood, but she greeted me warmly enough. We made some small talk on the way, Sam's new project, and Candace's efforts in cleaning up her place. It sounds like she's doing really well since her last check up. Her ankle doesn't hurt so she's getting antsy to get the cast removed.

Before we reached the church though, Sam interjected and made a point that he didn't want me revealing that Candace has amnesia to anyone there. Noone knows, and it's none of their business. I looked to Candace questioningly and she nodded in agreement. It's her condition, and just as the doctor can't be discussing his patients, she has a right to her privacy. It seemed odd that it needed to be requested, but not unreasonable. I'm not in the habit of discussing those things anyway, I have my own problems after all. On that thought I did let them know I had had a dizzy spell that morning. I don't think I've ever had more than one in a day, but just to be on the safe side they should be prepared.

The memorial was nice. I'm not a particularly religious person and can count the number of times I've been in a church on one hand. A lot of what was going on around me was very alien. The people comforting each other and being human was understandable. But the religious undertones were glaring to me. Probably not to the others there because they're used to it, but to me it was just, well alien. The priest, pastor? I don't know, Father Adamson was what people called him. He seemed conscious enough that not everyone on the flight was Catholic, so I felt he did a good job not being overly preachy towards his own beliefs, and kept things open to all. It was respectful, comforting, and nice.

There was recognition for those who had not survived, like Eli, and then the chance to comfort those who had survived, like Candace. A few people got up to say their own piece for those they'd lost and for the common loss of all. Some very beautiful and powerful words, and not a dry eye in the building. Sam's parents made a point to speak of their son, they loved him dearly and it showed. They didn't say one word recognizing Candace though, in fact they spent all day avoiding her. Sam did go to them, and I don't hold it against him, Eli was his brother as well. But Candace and I held back, there was no reason to make a scene.

I stayed near Candace all day. It made it easier on me, I don't do so well in crowds of people. Especially when I don't know anyone. I've mentioned Candace's beauty, but getting her into a room full of people starts to show just how gorgeous she really is. She was like a movie star, and everyone, everyone had to come see her and talk to her. I would've been overwhelmed, but she handled it masterfully. She didn't just accept their attention, she had a way of turning that attention on them. They'd bring up her ankle, which was visible, and she'd thank them for their well wishes, and then she'd turn the attention to them. It was a great way to not reveal anything about her, and at the same time she'd make them feel like the center of the universe. I could almost feel them glowing as they'd leave. The woman is amazing.

Of course there's always those who just want to talk and talk, and they don't get the hint that things need to move on. She knew exactly how to handle them too. I'm still not sure how she did it, she'd give them their attention for just long enough and then move on to the next person. It was subtle, and at first I didn't notice she'd done it. But then I noticed one guy who wanted her attention, and what I noticed is that he was still standing there watching her as she was talking to the next couple. He kept trying to interject his own thoughts into their conversation, but she'd just cut him off so decisively and subtly that he could never get a word in. I don't think he even realized she'd done it. After a short time, he realized he no longer had her attention and he just moved on. It blew my mind, and after I saw him I noticed it with others as well.

Being the wallflower I am, standing next to her I was invisible. Which was perfectly fine with me, I got to watch and just observe. While people made their rounds coming to talk to Candace, I would watch Sam. He made his own rounds speaking to others, but somehow he managed to always have Candace in sight. He had a presence all his own too, which was not just because of his size. He had a grace about him that I'd never noticed. He didn't bump into people like everyone else did just trying to get around, and he was twice as big as anyone in the room. People seemed to subconsciously give him space, they'd watch him and know where he was. When he moved, they were prepared for it. And he wasn't domineering about it at all, he was gracious and accommodating and always aware of the people around him.

But above all, he was acutely aware of Candace. When she had that admirer that didn't want to go, she could handle them perfectly fine, but from across the room I could see Sam. He'd be watching the admirer like a hawk, and he'd look to me asking with his eyes if everything was alright. I'd nod, and he'd go back to his own conversation as though nothing were amiss.

There was a break for lunch, although a lot of this continued through lunch. Sam did come and eat with us, but not without having a plate with his parents. There was so much conversation going on though that I don't think anyone even noticed. If Candace did, she didn't say anything, she was regal the whole time.

There was one person who said something that caught my attention though. She was talking to Candace and the subject of funeral services come up. I'm not sure what was being said, but what caught my attention was when she asked how Eli's services had been. The thought hadn't ever occurred to me, and I admit that now with some embarrassment. I'd been so focused on Candace's amnesia and her recovery from that, that I hadn't given any thought to the loss of her husband. To me he's a memory, I never knew him. And even while I know she lost him, Candace had no memories of him and so she didn't dwell on that loss either. So it never clicked with me that his loss was so recent.

Candace said she hadn't been there for the services. I think that's what caught my attention, as well as that of the person who she was speaking with. Candace said she was still in the hospital at the time, and it seemed to smooth things over with the lady, but I know she'd only had a broken ankle. She could have left for a funeral. Not that she had any memory of Eli at all, but still he was her husband.

When I got the chance, I asked Candace about it, and she seemed unconcerned. She explained that Eli's parents had planned and carried out the services while she was in the hospital. They hadn't brought it to her attention and she hadn't given it a lot of thought. She actually asked me if it was really that important. I shrugged and sputtered "yeah." What else does one say to that?

Candace seemed to turn inward at that, and got really concerned that she'd done something wrong. She asked if there was something she should do, or if she needed to make up for it some how. I found myself explaining that what was done was done, and that if Eli's parents had been behind it maybe there was nothing she could have done. I asked if she'd visited his grave since, and she shook her head no. So I suggested maybe she should.

Fortunately this was while the services were winding down. Sam joined us after seeing his parents off, and he got concerned when he saw Candace's state. Asking if everything was okay, Candace declared that we needed to go visit Eli's grave. He glanced to me as though asking what brought this on, and I just flatly asked why she hadn't been included for Eli's services.

After having watched him be so confident and present for the last three or four hours, it was an about face to see him stutter so helplessly. Sam didn't seem to know where to start, or how to even begin. It's just like how Candace didn't have any clothing of her own. He was back to being so thoughtless, or clueless. Watching him today being so competent, it was like a balloon popping, suddenly his competence was an illusion and we could see right through it.

Once it became clear that he could offer no explanation, Candace declared again that we needed to visit Eli's grave. Sam stopped sputtering, and nodding acknowledgement he apologized.

We set out from the church to Fort Logan National Cemetery where Eli was put to rest. I hadn't ever been to this one, but it was just like any other cemetery I've visited. Well, except that all the headstones are the same. I don't know, cemetery's always creep me out. They're nice and peaceful, and a part of me feels very comfortable when I visit them. It's like that part of me is aware of my mortality and that this is where I'll be spending eternity once my little death catches up to me. But I think the rest of me is frightened by that thought. It's probably the same for everyone, few things will make eternity abundantly clear like a cemetery will.

Sam lead us to Eli's grave, and his headstone. No one said anything. Candace looked around and seemed to approve of the surroundings, but was otherwise lost to her thoughts. For that matter so was Sam. I think Dad said we had some family buried here, but having never visited I wasn't sure where to even begin to look. So I just stayed back and let the brother and wife have their space.

When they were done, we loaded back up and Sam brought me home. That was enough for today. On the way back though, Candace quietly asked me the most innocently childish question, "Is that where we all end up?" I could only nod.

September 20th, 2017

Another chore day come and gone. I did get to watch another episode of Legion. It was a good thing Mom and Dad weren't home, I'm not sure they'd have appreciated the conversation between David and Syd. It is very interesting to think what one might do with Syd's abilities, but I'm glad they addressed the moral implications in having her abilities. She brushes them off with an air of detachment, but I feel they handled that well. If anyone she would certainly have a sense of detachment from her body that would allow her to so brush off the moral implications.

It's interesting how David manages to gain control of his abilities while also losing control of himself. They've handled that well, but from what I understand of the comics his abilities change depending on which personality is in charge. The show presents him as having other voices in his head, and they give full representations of the personalities that go with those voices. I just don't feel they've presented those other personalities as actively trying to take over; no MPD. So his abilities, as expansive and powerful as they are, are always the same. He didn't have control, now he does, but when I say he doesn't have control of himself I'm not saying another personality is taking over as much as he's fleeing within.

Of course, all this remains questionable as to what's actually going on, because yet again the show ends with the rules changing and I'm back to not knowing what's real.

It's kinda cool how they are able to do that, in a very frustrating way.

Oh well, I can't stay up late tonight. The memorial will start at 10, there will be a lunch and mingling at 12, and after that I'm not sure what'll happen. But it means Sam will be here to pick me up early.

September 19th, 2017

Today was so much fun at work. We celebrated Talk Like A Pirate Day and dressed up in pirate costumes and everything. It was so much fun, and some of the staff even set up the temporary display teaching about the history of pirates and everything. This year they added information about one of the most successful pirates, Ching Shih. She commanded over eighteen hundred ships and even managed to retire running a gambling house. She died peacefully at the age of 69. Talk about girl power!

Not much else, just a really fun day.

September 18th, 2017

It's been a few days since my last dizzy spell, but enough time that I'm down to two in a week. That doesn't make me feel much better, but it's an improvement so I'm not going to call the doctor yet. The embarrassing thing was that I had it during lunch. Hal had joined me, he was back to doing that, and while we were talking I got up to refresh my drink and fell over spilling ice everywhere. Those hard plastic cups make a lot of noise hitting the ground and everyone in the cafeteria was staring right at me.

No matter how many times it happens, there's no getting used to it. Hal helped me up into my seat, and Jessica was quick to pick up the ice and everything. I'm just glad it wasn't while I was at my register, John was working again today.

Setting that aside, having Hal there for lunch was interesting. I almost want to say confusing. I asked him about how his experiences allowed him to know that other hikers would go missing. His face turned red, and he looked around in a panic as if someone might be listening in on what was saying. He quickly shushed me and said this wasn't the place to talk about it. He said there is more to know, and he wants to tell me, and then he asked if we could have dinner again sometime. I just about brushed him off, how dare he? But he was acting genuinely paranoid, which should probably be a red flag, but instead I found myself curious. I didn't answer immediately, and he apologized for shushing me like that. Then pleaded saying he needed someone to talk to.

So I said alright. The whole thing seems weird, but the video's and the news articles, and him saying this would all happen. I have to know, I have to substantiate this feeling I've had since the hospital, and I think he's the one who can. God help me if I'm wrong.

He has been going out of his way to make me feel safe about it. Planning ahead, and taking me to a familiar diner, allowing that my parents can pick me up. He's very thoughtful about it all, and probably hyper aware of how crazy it sounds. It's no wonder he needs someone to talk to.

I did stipulate no more bar fights. He said he couldn't promise anything.

So we have another "date" this coming Sat. Hal want's to try To the Wind, which is further down from Annie's.

Speaking of dates, Sam texted me today. This next Thursday falls on the month anniversary since the plane crash and his parents will be joining him and Candace for a memorial at St. Dominic's. He apologized that he'd have to cancel for this week, but they'd be back on for the following. I said that was nonsense, that I'd be there for Candace. From what she's said about his parents, she'll need me.

So, time to break out the dress clothes. Should be easy now thanks to Candace, and she'll appreciate seeing me wearing one of her ensembles.

September 17th, 2017

It took a while to fall asleep last night, and I've suffered for it all day today. Fortunately not much happened outside the usual, and no dizzy spells.

I did catch the news about the bar fight last night. Some stranger walked into the bar and started making a fuss. It sounds like they were speaking a language noone else could understand, and the reporter was unable to comment more on that issue. The specifics of the fight are still unclear, though the bar's patrons are all accusing the stranger of having attacked without provocation. No security footage has been released to confirm anything yet, and the police are still trying to communicate with the stranger. They don't even have a name to release and are currently calling him John Doe. They did offer a mug shot of the stranger, he appears middle eastern, long dark hair and full beard. He's not otherwise wearing anything that would suggest he's Muslim, in fact his clothing all seems tailor made. Well worn, but uniquely cut so there's no way to identify brand or anything, and no labels or images on the shirt. To look at him, I almost want to say he walked out of an SCA event, or was late to the renaissance fair.

In the mug shot, he's got a black eye, but otherwise he looks like he handled himself. Medical personnel report that he gave as good as he got or better despite being outnumbered. Pictures of the other brawlers confirm that, they all look like they were beat to hell.

The fight had carried into the kitchen, and it's not clear what or how but a fire had caught. Kitchen staff were able to extinguish the fire quickly so no damage was done. DFD had been called purely as a precaution by the police. They confirmed that there was no structural damage and so business will continue without pause.

The whole thing just seems weird. And I'm too tired to worry much more about it.