February 14th, 2018

So the scans didn't show any growth from August, and when they sent the scans out to a specialist to review they made sure to send both sets of scans to compare. Dr. Laurie also made sure to send out the scans to a new pair of eyes, someone different from who had looked at them before.

Well, that new pair of eyes noticed something. While my tumor hasn't grown in size, it is affecting a blood vessel that runs right through my visual cortex. And that blood vessel is bulging. Dr. Laurie hadn't noticed that 'cause he was looking at the tumor itself, as did the first expert he'd sent the scans to. The bulge on this blood vessel happens at a spot a small distance from the tumor itself, small in relation to the fact it's all in my brain. On the scans, it's not close enough to be immediately noticeable if all one's looking at is the tumor.

So despite everything I've gone over with Dr. Laurie, admitting all the conspiracy stuff and good reason to think there is something there for me to see. There's good reason to believe that I am actually hallucinating. Which is either that the bulge in the blood vessel is also pressing on my visual cortex, or the fact that the cortex is not getting as much blood.

The bad news, on top of all this, is that I could have a stroke. My brain suffocating, or the blood vessel rupturing.

The good news is that we've caught it, and unlike my tumor we can do something about it.

Dr. Laurie did say that there was no immediate danger of a stroke, otherwise he would have ordered me in as soon as he'd heard back from his expert. But the sooner we can take care of this the better. Now, we could call for an emergency operation and have this done tomorrow, or even today for that matter. We decided though it would be better to give me time to prepare. So my operation is scheduled for next Thursday. That'll give me a week of work and give the museum time to adjust schedules. Then I'll have Wednesday to do what I need to do.

The operation will take place on Thursday. They'll be placing a stent in the artery near where the tumor is to help open the pathway back up. I'll be kept over night for observation, and have more tests on Friday before they release me. And then they want me taking it easy for a week. This is usually for heart stents, but common practice for brain stents. Then I'll have to come back in the following Wednesday for more tests before they deem me worthy of going back to work. Part of all this though is that I'll be on some new meds. Dr. Laurie wants to give me a week to see how the meds affect me before I go back to work. I am so not looking forward to that after last time.

In a way, it's kind of a relief to know that I am hallucinating. And Dr. Laurie did say that because the stent would be pushing back on the tumor, the hallucinations might not go away. So there's a certain amount of distress about that. But considering what I've been seeing, now that I know, they've been kinda cute. Not disruptive, or debilitating. If they get worse, obviously I need to report it to Dr. Laurie. But otherwise I can deal. It does mean I can't trust everything I see as readily. But I've already been working on asking if other people are seeing what I'm seeing. And those close to me will know what's going on.

We're also concerned how this might affect my dizzy spells. I already keep a record of them, we'll just be going over their frequency for a while. Dr. Laurie did note that at about one attack per week, I am still up from my rates before my blackout in August. And he thinks that this bulge probably caused the blackout in the first place. So one possibility is that my attacks might go back to their original rate. But we won't know for a while.

Dr. Laurie did assure me that this was a minimally invasive surgery. And he's asked a colleague of his at the hospital to step in. Dr. Kendrick has been very successful with these operations, and he's confident that it'll go smoothly. I'll meet her on Thursday when I come in.

So that's the big news. I was waking up so late this morning that I almost missed my appointment. Mom was starting to get concerned, so she called Candace to find out where I was. I was still in bed. Candace woke me, and I got dressed in a hurry while Mom drove over to pick me up. And then we made our way to the Dr.'s office walking in just in time. Afterward I apologized for running so late, but Mom was great. She said Candace had called while I was in talking to the Dr. and apologized. Mom said she was just happy to hear I'd had a good night. And while we were talking Max texted to also apologize. She'd left for class thinking I'd have plenty of time to get up. What got Mom concerned was that Hal had stopped by to pick me up for the gym as usual.

But by that point I'd missed Hal for lunch as well. Mom had planned the day off for me anyway, so she helped me get around and take care of what I needed. And after I got home I called up the museum to let them know what was going on. Thankfully Dr. Laurie already provided me with a Dr.'s note. I'll turn that in to them on Friday when I go back to work. Helene was nice about it though, she just has to make sure everything's in order.

With all that going on though, I forgot what day it was. Hal came calling after class, which I expected. What I didn't expect was for him to be dressed up all nice and sharp. He'd gotten reservations at Fruition for tonight, and we had about twenty minutes to get there. I don't think I've every gotten dressed that fast.

Fantastic food, fantastic night. Though it wasn't until we'd gotten back to Hal's place that I realized I'd left my present for him in the dryer at home. We still had a wonderful evening, and Mom had already informed Hal not to worry about getting me home. It seems she and he had done some scheming on me. Hal promises he didn't plan for it to go that far, just that he wanted to surprise me with dinner. It was Mom that insisted that I didn't have to be home at any reasonable hour. And then while I was rushing to get dressed, she handed him my over-night bag. It doesn't have any clean clothes, since that's what I was washing. But it's got my amenities, and my journal.

Now that I'm caught up though, time to make this fantastic night unbelievable. I think I've kept Hal waiting long enough.

November 27th, 2017

If it weren't for the attack I had back in August, I'd say this was the worst attack I've ever had.

This morning started out like any other day, got around, got my stuff together so I could go to work. While I was at the gym, I noticed the news concerning the tree in LODO. The city had decided once and for all it was going to get rid of that tree, and they'd brought in a whole construction crew to dig up the pavement around it, and to dig it out by the roots. I guess Melia Floros had finally managed to talk to the city. She wasn't able convince them to leave the tree where it was, but she did persuade them to relocate the tree rather than to destroy it.

So in addition to the equipment that would dig the tree up, there was also a sixteen wheeler to transport the tree to another location. But I guess the city wanted to make absolutely sure that the tree was no longer in that intersection. If they couldn't dig it up and move it, they had brought a wrecking ball to smash it.

There was a lot of noise from the protesters, both sides. No one was happy about this. Those in favor of the tree considered the wrecking ball to be a threat and jeered the crew that manned it. On the other side of the street, those against the tree, they made it clear that they believed the tree should be destroyed. They didn't like that the city was making an attempt to not harm the tree, and very much cheered the wrecking ball crew.

I didn't learn this all at the gym, I didn't spend that much time there. Most of it I learned after I got to work. Despite being a Monday we still had a crowd of people show up early to see the new exhibit. Many of them had been unable to see the exhibit over the weekend because the lines were too long. We had offered them free tickets to come back another day, and knowing the lines they came back early today hoping to not have to wait.

Anyway, with everything starting up around the tree, people stopped coming in. Even the guests we already had were nervous after the riots we'd been having. So the news was turned on and we were set to learn of events as they unfolded.

At about noon, the first crew started digging up the road. It seemed like all was going well, but I started to feel a dizzy spell come on, and I knew in that moment the shit was about to hit the fan.

From my perspective, everything else just went away. It's not like anything happened, as far as my perceptions. It's just that with my attack coming, nothing else mattered. I looked over to Daniel and told him to get a manager, and find Hal. He hesitated not knowing what was going on. Before I could explain, the dizziness hit me like a ton of bricks. There wasn't any pain at first, just vertigo. I had sat down on a stool, and that fist wave caused me to lean so far forward that I fell off. Thankfully Brittany was there, and she was at my side immediately. I just let the ceiling spin, there wasn't anything else I could do.

A manager showed up, but I don't remember who it was. I just remember Brittany talking with them. Shortly afterward I remember Hal kneeling down next to me. I rolled over to put my head in his lap... that was a mistake, vomited all over him. And that was when I first noticed the pain. I was apologizing, asking for some pain killers, and asking to go home all at the same time, I didn't feel like I could get it out in any sensible order.

Hal has been very aware of my condition, considering that was why I was in the hospital when we met. But I don't think he's ever been there for one of my attacks. They are usually just little dizzy moments, sometimes worse, rarely causing me to vomit. This was all of it, and the pain, and I was scared I was going to pass out again. I can still feel that fear. In August I was out for two nights, and that was the first time I'd ever passed out, or even felt the pain. Who knows how long I'd be out this time?

I didn't want to panic though, so I focused on the pain and analysed it. I tried to remember how it was in August, and how it was different. In August, I seem to remember the pain being very sudden and it went straight to 10. I wasn't in pain for long before I passed out. This time, I'm not even sure when it started hurting. I puked, and then realized I was in pain, but it's not like that's when it started hurting. And once I realized I was hurting, I also realized it was getting worse. But it came on, not slow, just slow compared to August. That's why I wanted pain killers, I could feel it steadily getting worse. I had hopped that if I could resist the pain, that would prevent me from passing out. As if it were the pain that caused me to black out before.

Anyway, I struggled like this for a bit, and then I felt someone pressing a couple of pills into my hand and Hal helped raise me up into a sitting position. By this point I realized I had a circle of people around me, but I was too far gone to be embarrassed. I drunkenly tried to get the pills into my mouth, and then almost choked on the water I was offered. I got it down, and then asked Hal again if he would take me home. He nodded and with someone's help they put my arms over their shoulders and half carried, half dragged, me out to Hal's jeep.

I remember Hal trying to explain that he couldn't take me straight home, but I didn't understand why, and kinda didn't care. At some point I did finally pass out.

I woke up at home at about three. Mom was on the phone with Dr. Laurie, and Hal was sitting in Dad's chair watching the news. Hal said I was out, all told about two hours. I apologized again for puking on him, he asked how I was. I told him I was scared, and relieved that I hadn't lost another day or two. He asked if I needed anything, I told him something to drink. When he got back I had him help me stand. I wanted to make sure I had my balance, which thankfully I do.

I sat back down and turned my attention to the news. Hal explained that while I was out the crows in LODO attacked the crew that was trying to remove the tree. He then went looking for summaries of what had happened. The crows started by dive bombing the crews, pecking at their helmets as they passed by and causing a general ruckus. The crews tried to work through it, but eventually had to start fighting back. They pulled out various tools at hand that they could use to swing at the crows as they passed by. And at first it looked like they might have succeeded in driving the birds away.

But the crows learned and started working in tandem. One to distract their target while another crow struck them from behind. Hal said it almost looked like it had turned into a big brawl, and the crows were on top. But they were hitting the helmets, which didn't really do much. Still, it forced the crew to abandon using the jack hammer to break up the pavement. Instead, they got into the two excavators and just started tearing up the pavement from the safety of their cabs. Hal said that's when it got disturbing, the birds started attacking the cabs, flying into the windows hard. More than a few of the crows knocked themselves out striking the windows.

But the excavators kept working. That was when the fireflies came back. And again, the limbs aren't bare, the tree still has all of it's leaves. So the fireflies were coming out from under the leaves and behind branches, like they'd been there the whole time. They swarmed the excavators, flying into every nook and cranny they could find. It seems no one's sure exactly what happened, just that after some time of being swarmed, both excavators shut down. One right after the other. Once they shut down, both gave off a black smoke and wouldn't start. The crews tried to come over to check on the operators and the equipment, but the crows attacked the people and prevented them from approaching the excavators.

At that point, someone made the decision to involve the wrecking ball. The crane started it's engine, and everyone paused knowing what was about to happen. Even the birds seemed to take a step back in flight. But then those opposed to the tree shot up a loud cheer and all sense of order went right out the window. The crows flew into the crowd, whose heads weren't protected by helmets. And the fireflies that had seemed to go away after stopping the excavators, they appeared in flight headed straight toward the crane.

The crew tried to ward off the swarm, only to get attacked. And while they had been mostly immune to the crows, they didn't have any protection from the fireflies. They burst out in welts and blisters, rashes, even little cuts. It was scary, and the crew ran. But while the crows busied themselves with the crowd of supporters and even gave chase to those that ran, the fireflies just moved right on to the crane.

Now the crows were vastly outnumbered by the crowd of people, so they relied on the chaos of the situation. But they weren't immune themselves and the people in the crowd started reaching out to try and catch the crows or strike them. So that was a fight, and reporters are mentioning that the crows took looses.

But there was one crow that stood out from the rest. It had a silver streak running across its chest that was hard to see. Unless it hit the light just right, and then it was very apparent. That crow seemed to be able to pass above the crowds heads and almost effortlessly avoided every hand that tried to grab it or strike it. And when it pecked at the peoples heads, it drew blood. That thing was viscous, and terrifying. Once people started to become aware of that crow, they started running from it specifically. It didn't take much longer and that single crow had the crowd dispersing almost entirely on it's own.

While that fight was going on, the fireflies swarmed the crane. And they just kept coming, it almost seemed as if they weren't getting anywhere. The operator just continued to ignore the fireflies, positioned the crane where he felt it needed to be and started raising the wrecking ball. Suddenly there was a loud pop, or a crack, or crunch and the ball just dropped. It's a good thing no one was under it, because the jackhammer that was was crushed like an empty soda can and the ball buried itself into the road almost a quarter of the way.

It was a dramatic end to everything that was going on, the crew completely abandoned their efforts and their machinery. And the crows didn't limit themselves to driving away those opposed to the tree. They turned on everyone there, even the tree supporters. Now the supporters were wise to just leave. They had just seen what had happened to the others, and fortunately once they got moving the crows didn't fully attack them. But they did circle and dive in warning. They even got threatening with the police and fire department. That was the last time the crow with the silver streak was seen. It flew between the emergency crews and the other crows almost in a protective gesture. After that the rest of the crows turned back to dispersing the crowds.

As far as I know, the whole block around that intersection has been abandoned.

Anyway, Hal stuck around for dinner after Dad got home from work. Mom set up an appointment with Dr. Laurie for me tomorrow, and then called the museum and let them know I wouldn't be able to make it tomorrow. Fortunately I have the following two days off. I'm so tired, who knew passing out was so exhausting? So I'm going to bed way early tonight. Hopefully tomorrow sanity will have returned to the world.

August 23rd 2017

I woke up in the hospital again, it's still disconcerting. The last thing I remember was standing with my folks in Observatory Park. We were gathering with lots of others to watch the solar eclipse and the park was relatively packed. It was an event hosted by the University, where teachers were handing out pinhole projectors to allow us to see the eclipse without having to look directly at it. While they were doing that, an announcer was teaching us about the Sun and Moon and how our solar system works. It was fun and I was looking forward to it even so early in the morning. Anyway, as the eclipse started to happen I felt an attack coming on. Usually it’s just a dizziness and if I’m not careful I’ll fall, so I reached out and grabbed my Mom’s arm and she'd know what to do. But this time it was different, the dizziness came like usual, but then pressure like something was trying to hatch out of the back of my skull. I tried to warn Mom, but I don’t remember if I said anything intelligible, or if I screamed, or if I just opened my mouth and nothing came out. The pressure was like nothing I’d ever felt before, and I do remember reaching up to touch the back of my head. The last thing I remember was looking at my hand and feeling surprised that there wasn't any blood. After that I blacked out and can’t remember anything between then and when I woke up here in the hospital.

I’ve been awake most of the day, but I can’t seem to regain my balance. It's like I'm stuck in a permanent dizzy spell. I can’t even seem able to walk with crutches. First time I tried to get out of bed I fell forward into Dad’s arms. Not to be deterred, I tried a second time when no one was around thinking it might be less embarrassing if I fell. Turns out its more embarrassing to be found on the floor with a busted nose. Dr. Laurie has insisted I stay here for the next week so they can monitor me and get some new tests done. He says if I get better I can leave sooner, but he wants me to stay long enough for an MRI. I hate being in that noisy thing.

Mom says I was out for two nights before I woke up this morning. I don’t think I’ve ever been out that long before, it’s kinda scary. I don’t even remember dreaming. It’s like I was at the observatory with my parents, looking at my hand and in such incredible pain, and then I was opening my eyes in here and looking at the ceiling pain free. My little death is not going to make things easy for me. I wonder when I’ll start hallucinating like the doctors say I might.

I wasn’t the only one to have a bad day though, and I suppose I should feel lucky. Hours after I blacked out there was a plane crash outside of the city. Dad’s been watching the news reports and investigators still don’t know what happened. Some flight bound for Hawaii, survivors report a flash of light before the plane started plummeting. It hadn’t gotten up to altitude yet, which was fortunate, but there were still some deaths and lots of injured. Many were brought here and even in my room I can tell, it seems there’s always someone running past.

I don’t know if it’s my tumor or what, but something feels different and I don’t know how to express what or why. The only thing I'm sure of is that this new feeling is scary.