February 23rd, 2018

Just got home from spending today doing a whole lot of nothing. Being observed is what I was doing. But unlike a mouse, I don't get a little wheel to run around in. It was bed rest for me all day. Which would normally drive me up a wall, but I was just feeling lethargic all day. I don't know if it's the recovery from the operation, or the new drugs in my system or what. I do know I'm starting to come down off that feeling and I want to stretch my legs a bit. But it's late now, and to be honest just getting from the car to my bed was a bit of a trial. Despite my body feeling sore, I'm mentally feeling wide awake, and I'm a little worried that I'm not going to get a lot of sleep tonight.

The operation went well, or so I'm told. Scans afterward confirmed that the stent was in place, but images have been taken to be shared with Dr. Laurie's college. When I go back next week for the check up they'll take more scans to see if the stent is having any effect. So I may not hear word back for another month if this was successful or not. Though they do know what to look for now, so hopefully it won't take that long.

Sam did show up after the operation with Max. They wanted to know how I was doing and for me to know they were there if I needed. Sam even brought me one of those toy trolls with the hair just to cheer me up. It worked, it's cute, and it's holding a sign that says "Get Well."

They took Candace home, and Dad had to leave 'cause he still had work in the morning. Mom stayed with me all night. Batel called too and we got to talk. It was nice hearing from her. She finally openly admitted that she and Jason were dating, probably only 'cause Dad wasn't there. Probably also because Jason was with her, so Mom and I got to meet him over the phone. He sounds nice.

I slept hard last night, ten hours or so. This morning was a lot of meeting with Dr. Laurie to see how I was feeling, to confirm how things went, and what our next steps will be. He said he'd work out of the hospital today, so if we needed anything to just holler. And he checked in periodically through the day, which was nice.

Hal made sure to sneak in a burger for me for lunch. He said that was the one thing he really craved while he was admitted in August, and the one thing they absolutely wouldn't let him have. Neither of us are big burger eaters, but I have to admit, it hit the spot.

When Hal came again after class, he brought Candace with him. She was apologetic that she couldn't get here earlier, but Sam had work and she wasn't sure about the bus route. I assured her it was okay. They helped Mom and I prepare to be discharged, and while we waited we made plans for tomorrow. I mentioned wanting to visit the botanic gardens, which Candace has never gone. So we're going to plan on that. Max will meet us there, and then we'll hit up an early showing of Black Panther. I keep hearing it's really good, so I'm looking forward to that. And then Sam will join us for dinner afterward, provided his commission lets him.

After we got home, Mom and Candace worked on making dinner while Hal, Dad, and I watched TV. Hal did make sure to offer to help, but Mom and Candace kicked him out. It was a nice evening, Sam even stopped by to pick Candace up and stayed long enough to grab a bite. And then after they left Hal helped me to my room before leaving. I am feeling a lot stronger now than I was even this morning. But like I said, I feel sore all over. They entered my leg and fed the stent all the way into my brain from there. Not overly invasive, but probably why I'm feeling so sore.

Anyway, it's early for my usual bedtime, and I'm not tired. So I'm going to read for a while and see if that can't calm me down enough to sleep.

February 22nd, 2018

Candace asked this morning if she could be with me for the operation. I don't think she understood that she wouldn't be allowed in the room. But Mom said she'd be welcome to stay with her while I was in. Since Hal was going to stop by this morning anyway I texted him and asked him to pick Candace up. And they were both able to join me when I was admitted to the hospital.

Hal couldn't stay long since he had class, but it was nice having him here. Candace looks like more of a wreck than Mom does. She's been great though, offering to get coffee or snacks or anything we need. I don't think Mom's let go of me since we got here. Even now her hand is resting on my leg.

I'm feeling stoic, I think would be the best word. I can feel my system altered without my meds, it's like I'm in a constant state of going into an attack. Not quite nauseous, more like I'm sitting in a boat on water. And to be honest, I haven't let go of Mom all day either. In many ways she's been holding me up. I know what's coming, and any fear or nervousness I should feel is gone. Now I'm just waiting for it to happen.

And that's what's happening now. It's still early in the day, we just had a small lunch. I'm just waiting for staff to come get me. So I decided to write in my journal a bit, I expect afterward I'm not going to want to do much.

Max couldn't be here, though she texted me saying she wished she could. She said she'll try to stop by later just to check in on me. Likewise, Dad has work. But he'll come over after he gets off.

Dr. Laurie just poked his head into the room to let us know they're coming.

February 21st, 2018

It didn't really hit me till today that I'd be going in for an operation tomorrow. I think if it had struck me yesterday, it might have made things feel surreal that I wouldn't be returning to work for a week. Even having Helene come down to assure me that all was well didn't strike me that I wasn't having a normal weekend. Besides dealing with my leave, this last week has felt mostly normal. It was talking about having an operation that felt surreal for some reason.

But today... Normally when Candace joins me, I'm helping her out. Reminding her that our stop is coming up, or asking if she wants to stop at the store. Today I was out of it. My head was swimming and Candace was the one reminding me that our stop was next. She was asking me if we needed to hit the bank today, or stop by the pharmacy.

Speaking of which, I've got my new meds. The plan was for them to replace my refill and take over from there. But that wouldn't have happened until next week going in to the new month. Since my operation is tomorrow, Dr. Laurie wanted me to let the old stuff clear out of my system. We would anyway, but this way after the operation I can start on the new meds from scratch. Come to think of it, that might actually be why I've been off today. I didn't take my usual dose this morning.

So yea, Hal had picked Candace up on the way to getting me and we all went to the gym. From there as usual Hal went to class and Candace and I hopped on the bus to run chores. Candace was great, very helpful and observant. I hadn't said anything about how I was feeling, but I think she noticed.

The roll reversal was complete, because even after getting home she was still helping me do my chores. And since I had that help to get things doen more easily, we then both stepped into the kitchen to help Mom. It was a lot of fun just us three.

Hal came by after class to pick Candace and I up. Mom made sure to send Candace home with some food, and we brought her home. Then Hal took me out to dinner. It was a quiet meal, which didn't help my nerves at all. Started to make it feel like it might be our last. So I asked Hal how his day went just to start conversation. That seemed to do the trick, and soon we were back to our usual selves.

Unfortunately our evening couldn't last. I need to be up early tomorrow. But Hal promised me he'd try and stop by after his lab.

February 18th, 2018

Today was one of those increasingly rare days where not a whole lot happens. It was kinda nice, except Hal was off doing things with Tim. He did pick me up in the morning for our workout, and stopped by for lunch. It's been a little over two weeks since I sent Efe's letter. So a response from him should be arriving soon. Knowing that I asked Hal if he could get the pictures that we'd taken of everyone printed out so I'd have them ready to send. At lunch he let me know where he'd taken them and gave me the ticket to pick them up. So I did that on the way home.

Mom was a little worried that I'd gotten home a bit late, but having run that chore reminded me I needed to get pictures of her and Dad too. So we had a little fun with that, and at Dad's expense when he got home.

So I've got some more pictures to have printed, and I've just been working on the next letter to send him. With how all the weirdness has been hitting the news, I've decided to start filling him in on anything he can confirm. Assuming he hasn't already heard about it. The tree and the riots, The Stag, though I left out DIA because we're really not sure what happened there. I didn't go into all the stuff we've been talking about during our conspiracy dinners, just what's shown up in the major news articles.

Of course I had to mention the town of Albany, WY. Which I did some checking, they haven't found anyone else yet. Of course there's all the other missing persons cases, and the found persons cases. I haven't been mentioning them, but every day it seems there's more.

I also let Efe know what's been going on with my little death. I didn't tell him exactly why I'd gone to Dr. Laurie in the first place, just that we'd taken some more scans, what was found, and what's to be done.

Not wanting to dwell on the bad, I mentioned meeting Efe's parents. But the big thing was going to the open night with Max and Candace and how much fun we'd had there.

I now have a short story of a letter to send, and I haven't even gotten a letter from him to respond to. At least I'm prepared this time.

February 17th, 2018

They got the power back on last night, around two am. We noticed because suddenly a lot of our lights turned on and the TV came on. We had turned off all the light switches, but like my lamp is a twisty switch and I didn't know if it was on or off. Either way, it meant we could have a hot breakfast.

While Hal was taking me to the gym this morning, I noticed some activity in a park that we pass by. When I looked, I saw a group of fairies playing keep away from something else. It looked like a small child, but definitely wasn't. I was tempted to ask Hal if he saw it too, but I didn't want to distract him from driving, and I realized I was probably hallucinating it. Then I noticed there were runners passing through the park as well, and no one else seemed to see the fairies. So I'll mark this down as a hallucination, just to start keeping a record of them like I do my dizzy spells.

Work went well, if unremarkable. It was afterward that Hal picked me up again and brought me to his place. There we got the soup started while we waited for Max and Sam to show up. They brought the stuff for grilled cheese, and it turned out well. It's funny, I've had grilled cheese before at Max's when we were growing up. And I've had tomato soup countless times, usually used as a base for something else. But I've never had them together. I can see now why Max refers to them as a comfort food.

As for our conspiracy talk, Hal started since he's been keeping an eye on Melia Floros. He mentioned that the interviews she'd been conducting were all showing up on her site. Interesting as far as finding out people's opinions on the tree, but not very informative.

Max mentioned #fairysign and brought to our attention the more interesting finds. And while there were a lot of neat things, again nothing substantial. Instead, she brought to our attention that on Thursday about half the people who'd disappeared in Albany earlier this month showed back up. Investigators in the town were surprised to find a young man walking up the road from the little laramie river. He was one of the missing persons, and he lead those in town back down to the river where they found a group of people who'd made a makeshift camp. Those who are still missing were reported to have been out either searching for food, or anything else they could find. A group had gone looking for help a week ago and hadn't come back yet. Those who were out looking for food and stuff had only left moments before, but now they can't be found. To the distress of those who were found. Mostly kids and young adults, a few adults. So we're still missing about half the town.

The thing is, reading over their accounts, it's very similar to Hal's. They didn't wake to find themselves in their own beds, or even in their town. They'd looked around hoping to find out where they were and had started maping the area. Their maps don't correspond to anything in that area. So they started making their own camp near the river for fresh water, and being this time of year they struggled. Almost everyone was underfed, there were more than a few cases of frostbite, but they were all alive. And then that morning, the young man who was found wandering up the road had literally stumbled upon it and followed it into town. They were missing longer than Hal was, but how they got where they were, where they were, and how they managed to be found not far from where they'd gone missing... Even Hal mentioned how eerily it matches his own experiences.

After mulling that over for a while Sam apologized that he didn't have anything to bring to the table, he's just been so busy on his commission. But he's been making progress and finally had some pictures to share. I'm still not sure what it is he's making, but it's impressive. It did remind me though that I wanted to get pictures of everyone for Efe. So we spent some time taking some fun photos, and now I have a bunch I can send his way.

We did talk about The Stag and how much he's been in the news recently. His feat of strength in pushing the car was by far what we found most interesting. And of course Hal spent a lot of time speculating on what that might mean. He thinks The Stag is probably in contact with the fae somehow and they've granted him magical strength. Hal did say it's also possible that The Stag isn't human, that the mask may not be a mask. But if he wasn't human, Hal's pretty sure he wouldn't have helped the bus passengers the other night.

When it came around to me, I just let everyone know about the operation I'll be having and my leave of absence to take things easy. They were sympathetic and supportive. Max even suggested that we take advantage of my leave next weekend and do something. Hal mentioned that Black Panther was out and suggested we go see it, maybe make a whole day of it or something. Sam said he wouldn't be able to do a whole day, but we could grab Candace for the day and he could join us for the movie that evening. If she wanted to go of course.

Having made plans for next week though, there wasn't a whole lot more to talk about. Max and Sam headed out early. Though as they were heading out the door, Max asked Hal if he liked my present. Which lead to a hurried explanation that he'd surprised me and I forgot to grab it. Of course, there was no mention of what "it" was, so Hal's still in the dark. But now he's all sorts of curious, and Max isn't helping, she flat out stated I wouldn't be getting out of it.

After they left, Hal spent some time grilling me on his present. I said nothing, I resisted. He's earned it. I'll just have to find a good time.

February 14th, 2018

So the scans didn't show any growth from August, and when they sent the scans out to a specialist to review they made sure to send both sets of scans to compare. Dr. Laurie also made sure to send out the scans to a new pair of eyes, someone different from who had looked at them before.

Well, that new pair of eyes noticed something. While my tumor hasn't grown in size, it is affecting a blood vessel that runs right through my visual cortex. And that blood vessel is bulging. Dr. Laurie hadn't noticed that 'cause he was looking at the tumor itself, as did the first expert he'd sent the scans to. The bulge on this blood vessel happens at a spot a small distance from the tumor itself, small in relation to the fact it's all in my brain. On the scans, it's not close enough to be immediately noticeable if all one's looking at is the tumor.

So despite everything I've gone over with Dr. Laurie, admitting all the conspiracy stuff and good reason to think there is something there for me to see. There's good reason to believe that I am actually hallucinating. Which is either that the bulge in the blood vessel is also pressing on my visual cortex, or the fact that the cortex is not getting as much blood.

The bad news, on top of all this, is that I could have a stroke. My brain suffocating, or the blood vessel rupturing.

The good news is that we've caught it, and unlike my tumor we can do something about it.

Dr. Laurie did say that there was no immediate danger of a stroke, otherwise he would have ordered me in as soon as he'd heard back from his expert. But the sooner we can take care of this the better. Now, we could call for an emergency operation and have this done tomorrow, or even today for that matter. We decided though it would be better to give me time to prepare. So my operation is scheduled for next Thursday. That'll give me a week of work and give the museum time to adjust schedules. Then I'll have Wednesday to do what I need to do.

The operation will take place on Thursday. They'll be placing a stent in the artery near where the tumor is to help open the pathway back up. I'll be kept over night for observation, and have more tests on Friday before they release me. And then they want me taking it easy for a week. This is usually for heart stents, but common practice for brain stents. Then I'll have to come back in the following Wednesday for more tests before they deem me worthy of going back to work. Part of all this though is that I'll be on some new meds. Dr. Laurie wants to give me a week to see how the meds affect me before I go back to work. I am so not looking forward to that after last time.

In a way, it's kind of a relief to know that I am hallucinating. And Dr. Laurie did say that because the stent would be pushing back on the tumor, the hallucinations might not go away. So there's a certain amount of distress about that. But considering what I've been seeing, now that I know, they've been kinda cute. Not disruptive, or debilitating. If they get worse, obviously I need to report it to Dr. Laurie. But otherwise I can deal. It does mean I can't trust everything I see as readily. But I've already been working on asking if other people are seeing what I'm seeing. And those close to me will know what's going on.

We're also concerned how this might affect my dizzy spells. I already keep a record of them, we'll just be going over their frequency for a while. Dr. Laurie did note that at about one attack per week, I am still up from my rates before my blackout in August. And he thinks that this bulge probably caused the blackout in the first place. So one possibility is that my attacks might go back to their original rate. But we won't know for a while.

Dr. Laurie did assure me that this was a minimally invasive surgery. And he's asked a colleague of his at the hospital to step in. Dr. Kendrick has been very successful with these operations, and he's confident that it'll go smoothly. I'll meet her on Thursday when I come in.

So that's the big news. I was waking up so late this morning that I almost missed my appointment. Mom was starting to get concerned, so she called Candace to find out where I was. I was still in bed. Candace woke me, and I got dressed in a hurry while Mom drove over to pick me up. And then we made our way to the Dr.'s office walking in just in time. Afterward I apologized for running so late, but Mom was great. She said Candace had called while I was in talking to the Dr. and apologized. Mom said she was just happy to hear I'd had a good night. And while we were talking Max texted to also apologize. She'd left for class thinking I'd have plenty of time to get up. What got Mom concerned was that Hal had stopped by to pick me up for the gym as usual.

But by that point I'd missed Hal for lunch as well. Mom had planned the day off for me anyway, so she helped me get around and take care of what I needed. And after I got home I called up the museum to let them know what was going on. Thankfully Dr. Laurie already provided me with a Dr.'s note. I'll turn that in to them on Friday when I go back to work. Helene was nice about it though, she just has to make sure everything's in order.

With all that going on though, I forgot what day it was. Hal came calling after class, which I expected. What I didn't expect was for him to be dressed up all nice and sharp. He'd gotten reservations at Fruition for tonight, and we had about twenty minutes to get there. I don't think I've every gotten dressed that fast.

Fantastic food, fantastic night. Though it wasn't until we'd gotten back to Hal's place that I realized I'd left my present for him in the dryer at home. We still had a wonderful evening, and Mom had already informed Hal not to worry about getting me home. It seems she and he had done some scheming on me. Hal promises he didn't plan for it to go that far, just that he wanted to surprise me with dinner. It was Mom that insisted that I didn't have to be home at any reasonable hour. And then while I was rushing to get dressed, she handed him my over-night bag. It doesn't have any clean clothes, since that's what I was washing. But it's got my amenities, and my journal.

Now that I'm caught up though, time to make this fantastic night unbelievable. I think I've kept Hal waiting long enough.

February 2nd, 2018

Today was a bit of a blur. I think the recent news of the lunar eclipse encouraged people to hit up the museum a bit. It's kinda interesting how that happens. It made for a stressful day since we weren't expecting so many visitors, but the day passed by quickly. I almost forgot my lunch break till I saw Hal, and then I had to get someone to let me out so I could go. It meant that our lunch was shorter than we would have liked, but it gave us time to confirm plans with everyone for conspiracy dinner tomorrow. Sam said he'd be late, but to make it up to us he'd bring dinner.

I did get Efe's letter sent, though I didn't get any pictures to go with it. I decided I'll have to start a small collection for the next letter. To that end, I did mention doing so to both Hal and my parents. I'll ask Candace and Max later. Max did have a thing for my brother once upon a time. I remember him confessing to me that he knew, but he felt it was weird. She was around Batel and me so often that he thought of her more as another sister. Speaking of Batel, I did message her asking if she'd gotten a letter from Efe. She said she hadn't yet. So I also let her know that I'd start sending pictures.

After work, Hal was there to pick me up in the parking lot. He was excited to inform me that he'd heard Melia Floros was starting to interview college students about the tree. With all the pressure Tim's been putting on him, Hal's hoping he might be able to catch her on campus at some point. Wouldn't that be funny? All this clandestine training, and Hal could bump into her as himself.

I helped him with his work for a bit, put together some dinner for us, and then we watched the next episode of Supernatural while we ate. Hal's roommate walked in on us sitting together on the couch. I don't know what's wrong with him. We weren't making out or anything. We both pleasantly said hi and offered the leftovers if he was hungry. He went into his room, tossed his things, and walked back out in a huff.

Hal did ask about last night. He said Sam had mentioned finding me back outside. I wasn't sure what to tell him, or how much to tell him. Partly I want confirmation from Dr. Laurie about whether I'm seeing things. So I just told him I went to look for myself. I guess Sam hadn't told Hal that whoever I was seeing was still there. He asked more about what she looked like, suggesting that if I was hallucinating it might be like my dreams. That I was using the image of someone I had seen to create the image. Hal mentioned that if I could find whoever I was seeing, it might confirm that I was hallucinating.

I'm a little surprised that he's actually taking the hallucination seriously. Rather than trying to find explanations of fairies or something. Either way he's been supportive, and I appreciate that. Though I do wish he'd just hold me some times, rather than try to find an explanation.

Anyway, home now. Work again tomorrow, and then our conspiracy dinner. Kinda curious what Sam's going to bring. He did ask if anyone had any allergies, which that I know of no one does.

Jan. 31, '18

It happened again.

Candace woke us up at three-thirty as we agreed, while Sam woke Max. It was hard getting up that early, and it wasn't made any easier by how cold it was. We all bundled up in our warm coats, and Hal and I wrapped ourselves up in a comforter for good measure. Candace led Max and us outside where she and Sam had already stacked logs for a fire. Candace did make sure we all had some of her wonderful hot chocolate to sip on.

So here we were standing around in the freezing cold, almost hugging our hot mugs while the steam flowed up around us all. Unfortunately the cloud coverage was so bad we didn't have a clear view of the moon. Things were bright though, much brighter than could be explained by the street lights and porch lights that were on. Where the moon was was brightly back lit clouds, it was pretty despite our desire to see the moon itself.

As we waited, watching, Sam joined us. He came out wearing, I shit you not, a full actual wool cloak. It was very cool, and when we got to talking later I asked about it. He said he'd gotten it through his Ren Fest connections, someone that sells wool cloaks and coats. He said he could hook me up if I wanted one. I even got to try it on, and it's warm. I may have to take him up on that.

Since we couldn't make out the moon for ourselves, Hal brought out his phone so we could watch a live feed. As he was doing that, Sam pulled out flint and steel and struck the flint to create sparks. He did this over a pile of what looked like wool, but I guess it was wood shavings. It didn't take him long and soon enough he had a tiny smoking flame. He cupped it gingerly, almost like holding a precious child and blew on it to encourage it. It burst into flame and quickly he placed the shavings into a nook he'd left in the brazer. With a little more encouragement, the flame caught and grew and in short order we had a full on fire.

With the fire roaring, we bundled close. Sam stepped close to Candace and brought Max in to wrap his cloak around them. Watching on Hal's phone was alright, but of course our attentions wavered. We got to talking and Max suggested at one point we should roast marshmallows, which was a great idea.

It was about a quarter to five that the total eclipse started, and by then Sam had already tended to the fire. He had let it burn down and added wood in such a way to offer a place to put the log we had spiced up earlier. He brought out the log in preparation, and as the full shadow started to pass over the moon he placed it on the fire. It didn't immediately catch, the green plants and flowers smoking for a moment before catching themselves. But the smell that was given off was nice. Between the sandalwood and the anise, it was very pleasant.

Now that the log was on the fire, Candace passed out candles for each of us to hold. Sam lit his from the brazer, then in turn lit all of ours. Then we went about her yard and house and lit all of the candles that she and I had put up. It was kind of neat. While we couldn't see the shadow pass over the moon, the area did get noticeably darker and the bright spot in the sky had disappeared.

Between Max, Hal, and I, we were geeking out. Sam seemed to enjoy our conversation, but often asked about our references. Candace just listened. Once we realized she just didn't catch any of our references we started listing off movies that we were going to have to show her. She did get excited at that.

It was during this conversation that something caught my attention. I looked over toward the tree, and standing beside it was a beautiful woman. Despite the cold, she was only wearing a shift that was so sheer she may as well not have worn anything. She had olive skin, a little lighter than my own, and thick, dark, long flowing hair. She was tall, at least compared to Max and I. She's probably about as tall as Candace, and her hair just as dark. She wasn't as thin as Candace, her proportions would be better compared to Max than to me. Like I said, drop dead gorgeous. And she was watching us with an amused expression.

Of course, the first thing I do is look to Hal and Sam to see if they notice her, but everyone else was just talking. I looked back, she was still there. So I swallowed my pride and asked if anyone else could see her.

No one could. But since I had now drawn attention to her, and everyone was looking toward her if not at her. She responded, concerned even, and was now watching me intently. I didn't describe her, not fully, because that was embarrassing enough. But also because if they saw her, I'd want them to be able to confirm it. Sam asked what she was doing, I said "Just watching us." Though really, by this point she was watching me.

She didn't leave though, and the others became concerned as I was that I was seeing things. They all knew about the fairies, but only Hal was there for that. They were all having about the same reaction that Hal had before. But Hal was now showing concern much more along what I was feeling. But he remembered his theory about fairies showing themselves to me. So he left the comfort of our blanket and walked out to the tree where I had pointed. The lady seemed alarmed that anyone would approach her, but once she understood I was directing him she became amused again.

She brought her finger to her lips, a sign to me to keep quiet, and then she stepped away and avoided his search. I don't know why I stayed quiet, part of me is screaming that I should have said something. But as easily as she was avoiding him I don't think it would have done any good to have him more frantically run about the yard. So I kept quiet while Hal searched around the tree.

With nothing found, the others started to ask if I wanted to go in. I considered it, but when I looked back to the lady, she had a pleading look on her face as though begging me to stay. So I said "No, I'm fine." She indicated that I should pretend that she had gone. So I did.

I think part of why I agreed to this was that she was responding to us, to me, and interacting with me. I thought if she were just a hallucination, she'd be acting on her own regardless of what happened around her. Now I'm not so sure, and I'll have to ask Dr. Laurie next time I see him.

We watched Hal's live feed for a while, and she stayed the whole time. She seemed to enjoy the smell of the fire, but she avoided stepping close to it or to us. She did move about the yard and inspected Candace's garden. I think I even saw that she approved.

Since there was little else to see though, Hal and Max both indicated going back to sleep before they had to get up for class. So we all went in. They went to bed, I told Hal I'd join him later. Candace yawned and said she was going to bed. Sam asked me if I was going to be alright. I said I'd talk to Dr. Laurie when he calls me up about my results. He asked me if I needed anything, and when I said I'd be fine he locked up and went into Max's room.

When I looked outside, she was still there. She was watching me still, and she gestured for me to join her.

So I did.

When I was close enough, she asked why I could see her. Her voice was lovely, deep in a feminine way, and had a thick accent that almost seemed familiar. I told her I was asking myself that same question. She remained quiet as she watched me. It was penetrating, intimate, uncomfortable. So I tried manors, I introduced myself and asked who she was. She smiled and said it was nice to meet me, but she answered only that she was family. Before I could ask, she said I was a good friend. It caught me off guard, and I wanted to thank her and ask what she meant. But again she didn't let me. "She's in terrible danger, take care of her." Finally I was able to ask what she meant. She looked up toward where the moon should be. "I'm sorry," she said "but I'm out of time." And then she faded away.

I didn't move for a long moment. It seemed like I didn't even breath. Too scared of what had happened, if it had happened. Too scared that it hadn't happened. In my head, over and over was Candace's explanation, that tonight Selene could visit.

Sam came out and called to me, breaking me out of my stupor. He asked if everything was alright. I told him I didn't know. He came up and wrapped me up in a hug. He didn't have his cloak, or his shirt. I didn't notice at first how little he was wearing, I only noticed how warm he was, how strong he was. He held me firmly, comfortingly for another long moment before I finally moved. He asked me then if she'd ever went away. I shook my head, "Just now" I explained.

He brought me in and led me to our room, asking a last time if I needed anything. I said no, thank you. And then he watched me enter my room. I closed the door and listened for him to leave, which he didn't immediately. But now that he's gone I'm writing this down before I curl back up with Hal. I can't forget any of this. "She's in terrible danger, take care of her." Who's in danger? What danger?

January 25th, 2018

Hal had Candace with him when he picked me up for the gym. And then we all made plans for Mom to pick Candace and I up from there. I had already talked with Hal about being there for the Dr's appointment, so I felt like I had to turn Candace down when she offered while he was there. I did talk with her after Hal had left us at the gym, and she said she was actually going to use the time to work on things. Mom was happy to drop her off as we were headed to the appointment, so it worked out.

The appointment went about as I expected. Dr. Laurie took some blood and asked a lot of questions, what I've been eating, if I've been drinking, sexual activity, stress levels, all that stuff. I think this was the first time I've asked Mom if I could talk with Dr. Laurie alone. After the interview, Dr. Laurie asked me about what had happened and why I had called for an appointment.

That was a long conversation, and included a lot of explanation that I hadn't talked to anyone about outside of our little conspiracy group. To be honest, I don't have a lot of people to talk to outside of that group. Dr. Laurie though is really good about listening and not being judgmental. He recognized that I was trying to make sure I wasn't imagining things that we were talking about. Also that I was making the effort to confirm the things I could confirm. He agreed that I'd done right by asking Hal if he'd seen the fairies that I had. Though he did suggest that maybe I should ask someone who isn't also part of the conspiracy group. But he also recognized that I had looked around and paid attention to what the others were seeing and hearing. So I didn't do wrong, it was just a suggestion.

Dr. Laurie wasn't willing to rule on our conspiracy theories, which is fine. His concern is my health. But he did say he'd been hearing a lot of interesting things and even if my friends and I were wrong about what was going on, there certainly seemed to be something going on. But whether I was seeing fairies or something else, what we were concerned with here was whether what I was seeing was actually there.

So with my interview done, we made our way down to the CT-scanner. I got to spend another eternity in the damn thing. They do try to make it as comfortable as they can, but it's just not. This time they had installed a television and over the headphones they were asking me questions about what I was seeing on the screen and what I thought about it. A lot of simple images, pictures of cats mostly. But they also threw in some visual illusions just to see how what effect it'd have on me. Some were neat, one made me sick. Dr. Laurie insisted it wasn't actually moving, but the illusion was that it appeared to. Hell of an illusion. They also seemed to have a lot of pictures that were meant to trigger pareidolia, which I think I've explained before. It's our ability to see patterns in things, particularly the ability to pick out faces where they don't exist. The dimples in someone's knees, the headlights and grill of a vehicle, or the formation of a cloud. They were trying to see what parts of my brain would light up in response to the things I was seeing so they could compare it with others. But they also wanted to know how my visual cortex was lighting up with the tumor sitting right there.

It took a good long time, and I was all too happy to get out. Dr. Laurie said my initial results appeared normal, but they'd have to send the results away to see what other experts had to say about it. And that could take up to a month or more. For now, he reminded me to keep practicing being able to get around without relying on my vision. I could lose my sight, I could be starting to see things, I could hallucinate and still lose my sight. Whatever happens, I won't be able to rely on my vision, so I should practice going without.

Which was about what I reported to Candace after Mom dropped me off, after a stop to Bonnie Brae. I did ask Candace what she'd like, she said she didn't know. So we surprised her with a cookie dough cone. She loved it! And has now requested to stop by there after every time we visit the gym.

And true to her word, Candace did offer me a shoulder to cry on. I took her up on that, though with a few days past and a visit to Dr. Laurie, I didn't feel like crying so much. We cleaned up and organized while we talked. Her in-laws had come by to pick up most of the stuff we had set aside already. The gun cabinet though was still there, they didn't have any way of getting it when they'd stopped by. Candace did say they seemed to accept Sam getting the car at least, so that was good. A lot of stuff had been sorted out that they didn't want, which was more than I thought there'd be. And along with the gun cabinet there were a few other things they still wanted to pick up. Mostly what we were doing today was cleaning out the bedrooms and vacuuming up. Candace wanted to make sure they were good to go for next week.

Hal did stop by between classes. It was later than usual, since his lunch was taken up by my appointment. So he wasn't able to stay as long. But he did ask how things were going, and held me for a while. That was nice, and comforting. Even Candace got in on it.

Sam was oblivious, but I guess he picked up a big commission recently and it's been taking up a lot of his time. He seemed really happy about it, though he couldn't say what it was yet. But he did share some pictures. I was worried that if he couldn't tell us what he was making, this might be a breach of contract. But neither of us could tell what he was making based on what he'd shown us, so I guess there's nothing to worry about.

Max made the time to come join us for dinner after hearing about my appointment. She asked how it went over dinner, which was the first Sam was hearing about it. We talked, I got more hugs, and a big one from Sam. He made sure to ask if there was anything they could do to help, which was kind of him. I told him that just knowing he was there for me was perfect.

So I'm home now, and I am oddly feeling at peace. It's been such a big fear for so long, and I have been pretty tore up about it. It was nice receiving so much support today. A lot of hugging, and some crying. I don't know what I'm hoping for as far as results. I think either way will be a comfort, and a worry. Either I am seeing things, which will finally confirm what we've been planning on for so long. Or I'm not, in which case the fairies were there to be seen. But then, why was I the only one seeing them?

I don't know, one step at a time I guess. Hal I think would say that even if I was seeing things, the fairies might still have been there. In fact, I think he'll insist on that.

January 24th, 2018

Candace joined me for chores again today. She didn't have any of her own chores to take care of this time, she was just looking for the company. Which I'm glad to offer and give, but I wonder how much of a third wheel she feels at the gym with Hal and I? As often as I was that third wheel with Max and her boyfriends, I sympathize. She doesn't seem to mind though, at least she says she doesn't mind. I got to talking to Hal about the things I'd found online last night. He mentioned again visiting DIA, just to see what we could find. I had tried to time the conversation while Candace was away from us, but she came back at some point. I didn't realize she was there until we'd finished up talking about the deer headed vigilante.

She didn't say anything at the time, so I didn't think much about it. It wasn't until after Hal had left and we were waiting at the bus stop that she asked about the vigilante. I wasn't sure how much Sam would approve of me telling her, so I warned her before proceeding. Then I told her a generalized version of what we knew. She didn't understand my references to superheroes, so I stopped using them as examples. But after I'd explained how what he was doing wasn't exactly on the up and up, she had some choice judgments of her own. She said he was being a troll and suggested that he didn't have a lot of self control. Candace seemed to think he just wanted attention, but she didn't understand how hard that would be without any social media presence.

She asked how I was doing. We talked about what I was dealing with and how I've worked with the doctor for years to try and find any common element to my dizzy spells. How Hal was being less than helpful with his own theories and how much more helpful it'd be if he were just supportive. Which is why we both agreed tonight's date night was a good thing. She was surprised to learn that I'd been keeping track of my attacks for years. She seemed to think that was odd, but I explained how it helped to establish patterns and find common elements. Not that anything had been found yet, but that was also why I kept my journals. Candace seemed to find all of that fascinating and has insisted that I bring my journal when we visit to see the lunar eclipse. I don't think she realizes how private these are. I mean, I do keep these so my doctor can read them, and there is recognition that Mom might read them if anything were to happen to me. But in general, this isn't exactly something I just share with anyone. Even though I'd brought it with me to our tubing trip, I still didn't let Hal read it.

Still, her curiosity was innocent and infectious, so I've agreed. I'd probably bring it anyway just because.

Anyway, since I did have plans, Candace and I split ways. I offered to ride with her to her stop, but she sounded sure about doing it herself for a change. I still asked her to text me that she'd gotten home safe, which she dutifully did.

Our date went well. We ordered subs through a delivery service, and as planned sat down to enjoy the next few episodes of Supernatural. Hal's roommate stopped in, saw us, and quickly stepped back out. Hal mentioned something about him being overly religious, I guess he'd tried to convince Hal the other day that it was improper for him and I to be spending time alone together. Whatever, if that's how he wants his dates to go, supervised, then more power to him. But I have to admit, it'd make me uncomfortable to think he couldn't be trusted to be alone with me.

Still, it gave Hal and I the night to ourselves. Which we enjoyed, until I had an attack. It did ruin the mood, more for Hal than for me. He got up offering to get me something to drink and pulled his shirt back on. When he got back we curled up together and just watched the next episode.

I'm nervous for tomorrow. We'll take some blood tests, and probably get me in the CT scanner. I won't know anything for at least a week. But I am going to note a very definite seeing things, and dizzy spell three days later. Seems far apart, but if there is a connection we'll only know by having such notes.

January 23rd, 2018

It's been a quiet day. Which has only given me time to dwell on my little death. Hal was good enough to not go pushing his theories on me today. Instead, he was genuinely sweet by simply asking how I was doing and if he could do anything for me. Our workout was nice, lunch was great. We managed to have a decently normal conversation. We looked over movies that were showing on Wednesday and decided there wasn't anything on we were burning to see. Hal reminded me that we'd only gotten a few episodes in to Supernatural and he was itching to watch more. So our date night will be a night in. We'll order some food for delivery, since it is a date night, and we'll curl up on his couch and watch as many episodes of Supernatural as we can stand. In all honesty that'll probably be three episodes before I have to get home.

But because he had lab tonight I was back to taking the bus home. It's nice having dinner with Mom and Dad. Seems like it never happens any more. It is almost like I'm visiting them for a change.

But with nothing else to do, I found myself in my room just browsing news articles to see what I can find. I haven't found anything particularly new, some things on the vigilante but nothing very informative. But I did find something from DIA that I'd missed. It happened while we were on vacation, and then with New Years, and then the vigilante showed up after that. It's no wonder I'd missed it.

So on Dec. 29th, there was an incident at DIA involving Bunny Rinne. It sounds like she was flying out for a competition and while she was headed to her flight a service door had burst open and she was struck. I'm not finding any explanation for what caused the door to burst open, but DIA spokespersons were very apologetic. Bunny wasn't seriously hurt, she even laughed it off saying she'd gotten bigger bruises on the slopes.

I'll have to remember to mention this next Saturday. But it is odd that so much weird stuff is happening at DIA. Lost and found aren't finding anything even though people are losing them. The plane crash in August, the other plane that crashed into the concourse, electrical problems. And now doors are flying open and striking people. I found myself browsing visitor comments, and there's a lot more being said by people that isn't making the news.

A number of people have had their luggage wander off. They'll park it next to their seat as they wait, and when the look their bags'll be three feet away. One said his bag was halfway back down the concourse before he found it. But none of their things were missing.

Food has been going missing. One lady said she'd got up to refresh her drink only to find her table completely cleaned off when she returned. She was complaining that the restaurant staff had cleared away her food before she'd finished eating. Another commenter mentioned that the restaurant she was complaining about didn't wait tables because it was commons area seating. People were expected to clean up after themselves. Which still meant someone else walked away with her food.

There's plenty more complaints, but not so easily categorized. I think the only thing common is that the items in question are all items that are set aside. The luggage is usually within reach, but the people who have it wander off are always distracted. And as often as not, they'll get up to talk to the gate agents, leaving their luggage behind. And these are things people are warned about all the time, never leave your luggage unattended.

Oddly though, for all that's going on, actual theft reports seem to be down. In fact there's been a couple of incidents where an item that was reported stolen made it's way back to the shelf where it belonged to be found by employees the following morning. One young person actually turned themselves in to DIA authorities, admitting that they had stolen a found things. The reason they turned themselves in? They said they were being harassed, but couldn't say by who.

I have to bring this up on Saturday.

January 22nd, 2018

I have an appointment with Dr. Laurie on Thursday at 1:30. Depending on how things go, I can still catch up with Candace afterward. Depending on what happens, I may not want to catch up with Candace afterward. So I've been texting her today to let her know. She's supportive and understanding. She asked if there was anything she could do, I offered that she could be my shoulder to cry on for a change. She said "anytime, with hot chocolate."

Hal on the other hand, is busy trying to find an explanation that doesn't involve my tumor. Which is sweet of him, but it's like when Christians find out about my tumor. Their idea of comfort is to say God's got a plan for everything. Apparently his plan is to kill me before I'm forty. Thanks. And it's not like they don't mean well, but some times shit happens. There's no need for an explanation. I've known about this tumor for a long time now, two thirds of my life in fact. And for years now I've known that I might start hallucinating. It's starting.

Hal went and asked Tim as much as he could without telling him what I'd seen. Turns out that fairies can choose whether or not people see them. And it's not an all or nothing either. They can be selective, say for instance I can see them while no one else can. This sounds to me like a recipe for them to be able to drive us insane.

So yea, Hal's explanation is that the fairies were there, and I did see them. But only because they wanted me to see them. They weren't paying any attention to me, or anyone else there. In fact they seemed so caught up with what they were doing that I doubt they'd be wanting anyone to see them, or were thinking of not being seen. It's hard for me to believe they'd be wanting to fuck with me.

And if they did, well fuck them.

No, it's nice for Hal to be trying to justify what I'd seen. But I think he's seeing how concerned about this I am, and he's just trying to make me feel better. Or it's dawning on him how serious this is, and he's scared too. I don't blame him, fear makes people do stupid things. But right now, I need him to man up.

I asked him to bring me home, told him when my appointment was. He said he'd skip class if I needed him, I thanked him but Mom'll be there. I don't want him feeling like I'm rejecting him or putting him at a distance, so I hugged him tightly and asked if we could do something Wednesday after he got out of class. "It's a date."

January 21st, 2018

Something happened today that... let me just explain. Today started out like any other, Hal picked me up, we went to the gym, then he dropped me off at work. Work was Sunday busy, 'cause it's Sunday. But this also meant that when I went to lunch, and Hal actually managed to join me today, the place was packed. Hal and I had to wait a bit before we had a place to sit down.

So the important thing here is that there were a lot of people in the café. The wall over the doors that lead directly into the café from outside is all glass, and then the roof above is a skylight. It can make for some dramatic lighting at the right times, and in general keeps the atmosphere light.

Today though, while all of us were eating, there was a loud "thunk" that came from the skylight above. For most of us who work there, it's sad that birds hit the glass, but not unknown. So Hal and I didn't immediately look up. Until it was followed by a second thunk. Hearing that we raised our heads and looked around, and of course everyone was looking up and the place had gone quiet. I turn back to Hal, and he's looking up, but he looks back down to me and just shrugs. So I look up.

Pulling themselves off the glass are two tiny winged, I want to say men but as small as they are I want to say boys. And they were clearly of the male persuasion as the only thing I saw being worn was a hat. I'm sure my eyes went wide, and I looked back down and to the crowd because of course there were children present. But everyone had already gone back to their meals and conversation. I looked over to Hal and met his eyes. He just asked "What?"

Before I could respond though, there was another thunk from above. This one wasn't as loud, but it did still cause people to look up. And of course it got my attention, I was thinking that another fairy had hit the window. But no, the fairy with a hat had stomped on the glass and it looked like he was now pointing and yelling at the glass. I laughed because the whole thing was ridiculous, which got another "What?" out of Hal.

I looked to him, and looked up to see the second fairy now also yelling at the glass, and then back to Hal. Hal just watched me with a puzzled expression. So I ask him, "Are you not seeing this?" He shook his head and asked, "Seeing what?"

So I quickly explained what I was seeing. Though now cautious that I might be overheard, I also did so quietly. "There's a couple of fairies arguing with the skylight." He asked if I was serious, I said "Yea, don't you hear them stomping?" And they were, it was a very animated one sided argument. And they were making noise, I did look around to see people looking and reacting to it. One guy asked one of the café staff if they knew what was going on. And even Hal mentioned hearing something. But noone was seeing the fairies. Hal stated as much.

I looked back up just to confirm what I was seeing. Both of the fairies were still there, but only the fairy with the hat was still stomping and yelling at the skylight. The fairy without a hat was watching his companion. Quick as lighting he suddenly slapped the hatted fairy across the back of the head, grabbing his hat in the process, and then flew away with the hat he had taken. It didn't take but a moment for the now hatless fairy to come to his senses, and then he took off as well following his companion.

With their departure, the sounds stopped, and people calmed down and went back to normal. When I looked back to Hal, he asked "You're being serious, aren't you?"

I told him I wasn't kidding, that they had just flown away. Then I explained what all I had seen. Hal listened quietly, but the whole time he had this look on his face. One part amazed and interested in what I'd seen, one part disappointed that he hadn't also seen it, and one part disbelief because he hadn't seen it. Once I'd finished, that disbelief became concern.

Something was making noise, everyone heard it, even Hal admitted he'd heard the thunks. But the ready explanation was that some birds had struck the skylight, or that something had been blown by the wind. And it was windy, I'll admit that, but nothing was seen that would have made that kind of noise. As for birds, as windy as it was and this time of year, I don't think bird's would be out to fly into anything.

I just don't know, and the scariest part is knowing that I'm expecting to start hallucinating due to my tumor. What if my brain was just filling in the otherwise missing information? What if it was grasping on to images that fit what we've been talking about for months now? What if there weren't actually any fairies there?

And I want to scream out, "But I saw them!" They were there, they had to be. I saw them. But noone else did.

The one's wings looked like birds wings, with blue feathers. He was also the one that had the hat, it was red and looked more like a hood without the sweatshirt. With the way his wings folded up against his back, it almost looked like he was wearing a hooded sweatshirt. The other's wings looked like a butterfly's wing, if they were made out of snowflakes. And when he flew away, it's almost as if he wasn't using his wings to fly. As much as anything, they were just there.

They were so vivid, I can't believe I imagined them. I don't think I've ever seen anything like it, so I don't know where I'd come up with those images. And they were the ones making the noise, they had to be there.

But noone else saw them.

I just don't know what to think, or what to do. I had someone with me to confirm what I'd seen, and they didn't.

I told Hal that I should probably call my doctor, schedule an appointment. He asked me to let him know when it was, that he'd be there if I wanted.

I keep playing the whole thing over in my mind, over and over again. It's like I'm looking for the tell tale sign that it's an illusion. Or barring that, something that can confirm that what I'd seen is real. But now I think I'm just dwelling on it out of fear.

The rest of my day has been a blur. Hal was out with Tim tonight, so I had to take the bus home. Even one of the drivers mentioned how quiet I was being. Mom asked if everything was alright when I got home. I admitted that I thought I needed to see Dr. Laurie, and then had to explain why. I didn't tell her what I'd seen, only that noone else had. She was holding me when Dad came home. Then he held me while Mom called to make an appointment.

I'm scared.