February 28th, 2018

I feel like a weight has been lifted. Dr. Laurie agreed with me that my lethargy is probably a side effect of the medication. And while he did want to give it some more time, hoping I might get used to the new meds and eventually overcome the lethargy, he accepted that I didn't have the time to try that. My leave was only for a week, and while a medical excuse could extend that, I'm still not earning a paycheck. I may not have the bills that other people have, but I do still have bills. So I'm going back onto the other meds. He wrote a new prescription for me, that I turned into the pharmacy on the way home. I should be able to pick up the meds tomorrow. In the meantime, I still have the remaining pills from my old prescription.

Dr. Laurie wasn't happy that I hadn't taken my dose this morning, but it works out. He'd want me to go a day in between so as not mix the meds in my system. And I can already feel the difference. I've been tired today, but not like I have been all last week.

The word on the scans I took after the operation are promising, and it does look like the bulge was already responding. But they had me take new scans today so they could see what more time will have done for me. And again, I probably won't hear back on these scans for another week or so. Dr. Laurie also let me know they were wanting to study the scans longer just to see what else they might find. He'll call me with the findings and schedule any appointments that need to be made then.

The appointment didn't last as long as it might have, though the new scans did take a good deal of the day. So afterward, Mom took me out for lunch and gave us a chance to talk. She's been drawing again in her free time, which I guess is a product of me being out so much more lately. And yesterday while she was out, one of her stops was by the local library where she's going to work with other non-white Americans to create a mural on one of their walls. She's very excited about it, and I'm thrilled for her. She used to produce some of the most beautiful drawings, but taking care of me since I was diagnosed didn't leave her with a lot of time. I only vaguely remember her drawing, though we have her art hanging all around the house.

We got home to find Dad and Hal talking in front of the TV. Discussing the Olympics of all things. Dad apologized that he didn't have dinner ready for us, and he and Mom went in to the kitchen leaving Hal and I to ourselves. I told Hal about Mom's new project, only to then have to explain that the pictures we had around the house were all her drawings. He thought they were just black and white photos.

I made sure to call Candace up, Mom had mentioned she'd called after me yesterday, and let her know things were good. We'll get together tomorrow depending on how I'm feeling and hopefully I can get back to a regular schedule.

Hal joined us for dinner, and I think this is the first time he's been able to try Dad's cooking. Though it was a combined effort between my parents, so even better. All in all just a good night, even Dad was acting more comfortable around Hal than he had before.

It almost feels like I slept the last week away, and that kinda sucks. But after today, I'm feeling like I can get my life back on track. Hal will pick Candace and I up to go to the gym, which I missed this morning because of the appointment. I'll need to run chores, pick up my new old prescription, and I want to stop by the museum to check in with them. Then it'll be back to Candace's. She mentioned that her in-laws finally got the last of the stuff that they wanted. So she had invited Jane over to see if she might want anything that was left. And of course, I could grab anything if I wanted.

I just hope I am feeling better tomorrow. I hate to find out the lethargy has been for something other than the medication.

February 27th, 2018

My return visit is tomorrow. And I really need to talk to Dr. Laurie about my medication and how tired I've been feeling. Even today, woke up feeling better. Hal stopped by and we went to the gym. But after he brought me home, I laid down on the couch and passed out immediately.

Since Mom will be escorting me around tomorrow, and we're not sure just how involved that might be. So she's been out all day taking care of things she needs to take care of. It did leave me to just sleep on the couch, and every once in a while I'd get up to take care of things, or change the channel on the TV, only to lay back down and fall asleep.

It was about a quarter to four that I woke up to a dizzy spell. This one was strange though, almost like when waking up in a falling dream. But different enough that I know it was an attack, though I'm not sure I can explain how. There's this lingering feeling I have during and after an attack that I felt right as I woke up. As far as an attack goes, besides waking me up, it's probably the easiest attack I've ever had. And if the medication did that for me, that'd be great! But I can't function being so tired all the time.

Having woke though, I found Dad sitting in his chair. He must've come home and make himself comfortable without waking me. But since I'd jolted away, he turned off the TV and joined me on the couch to comfort me. After a bit he asked how things were. I told him how tired I'd been and how I suspect it's the medication. He apologized and said he meant how were things going between Hal and I? I hesitantly answered, "good."

He engaged me on that, genuinely curious and just letting me know he wanted me to be happy. He finally admitted to me an awareness about how he'd alienated Batel. He still feels strongly about the things he believes, that sex is something that should be saved for marriage and family building. But after what happened between him and Batel, he feels like he pushed her away, that she moved to Arizona to get away from him. Since then he's learned that our happiness is more important to him than his "old beliefs."

In his spare time, he admitted that he'd been doing a lot of studying. Learning about human sexuality, feminist issues, all sorts of things. He understands now how important sex is to a lasting relationship, and that means finding someone I'd be compatible with. There are dangers, like STD's, and he believes those things reinforce his belief that sex should be maintained only between married couples. But he also admits that in knowing the dangers, we can use protection and being safe. As long as that's the case, he's understanding with finding sexual compatibility before marriage.

It was awkward, and embarrassing, not the least of which because I'm well beyond the age where "the talk" should have taken place. But it was also frank, and more importantly him growing into an acceptance that he didn't have with Batel. He stressed, more than his own feelings on the subject, that he wanted me to be safe, and then happy. Mostly he wanted me to know that he would always be here for me. That I didn't need his permission, but that I had his permission to be my own person.

And then he gave me one more hug, and the got up and headed into the kitchen to start making dinner since Mom would be home soon.

I love my father so much, and that means the world to me for him to have said all that. I'm not going to go flaunting my relationship in front of him. But I also know that I no longer have to be afraid of him finding out. Though considering what Mom found in the dryer the other day, and she still hasn't said one word to me about. I suspect she and he have had a long heart to heart.

I'm getting to this much earlier than I normally would. Mom just got home, and the smells coming out of the kitchen are making my stomach growl like Pavlov's dogs. It's been a while since the last time Dad cooked, and he always makes such good food. So I'm going to go eat, and maybe try and stay up as long as I can. But more likely I'll pass out on my empty plate.

Hopefully tomorrow I'll have good news.

February 23rd, 2018

Just got home from spending today doing a whole lot of nothing. Being observed is what I was doing. But unlike a mouse, I don't get a little wheel to run around in. It was bed rest for me all day. Which would normally drive me up a wall, but I was just feeling lethargic all day. I don't know if it's the recovery from the operation, or the new drugs in my system or what. I do know I'm starting to come down off that feeling and I want to stretch my legs a bit. But it's late now, and to be honest just getting from the car to my bed was a bit of a trial. Despite my body feeling sore, I'm mentally feeling wide awake, and I'm a little worried that I'm not going to get a lot of sleep tonight.

The operation went well, or so I'm told. Scans afterward confirmed that the stent was in place, but images have been taken to be shared with Dr. Laurie's college. When I go back next week for the check up they'll take more scans to see if the stent is having any effect. So I may not hear word back for another month if this was successful or not. Though they do know what to look for now, so hopefully it won't take that long.

Sam did show up after the operation with Max. They wanted to know how I was doing and for me to know they were there if I needed. Sam even brought me one of those toy trolls with the hair just to cheer me up. It worked, it's cute, and it's holding a sign that says "Get Well."

They took Candace home, and Dad had to leave 'cause he still had work in the morning. Mom stayed with me all night. Batel called too and we got to talk. It was nice hearing from her. She finally openly admitted that she and Jason were dating, probably only 'cause Dad wasn't there. Probably also because Jason was with her, so Mom and I got to meet him over the phone. He sounds nice.

I slept hard last night, ten hours or so. This morning was a lot of meeting with Dr. Laurie to see how I was feeling, to confirm how things went, and what our next steps will be. He said he'd work out of the hospital today, so if we needed anything to just holler. And he checked in periodically through the day, which was nice.

Hal made sure to sneak in a burger for me for lunch. He said that was the one thing he really craved while he was admitted in August, and the one thing they absolutely wouldn't let him have. Neither of us are big burger eaters, but I have to admit, it hit the spot.

When Hal came again after class, he brought Candace with him. She was apologetic that she couldn't get here earlier, but Sam had work and she wasn't sure about the bus route. I assured her it was okay. They helped Mom and I prepare to be discharged, and while we waited we made plans for tomorrow. I mentioned wanting to visit the botanic gardens, which Candace has never gone. So we're going to plan on that. Max will meet us there, and then we'll hit up an early showing of Black Panther. I keep hearing it's really good, so I'm looking forward to that. And then Sam will join us for dinner afterward, provided his commission lets him.

After we got home, Mom and Candace worked on making dinner while Hal, Dad, and I watched TV. Hal did make sure to offer to help, but Mom and Candace kicked him out. It was a nice evening, Sam even stopped by to pick Candace up and stayed long enough to grab a bite. And then after they left Hal helped me to my room before leaving. I am feeling a lot stronger now than I was even this morning. But like I said, I feel sore all over. They entered my leg and fed the stent all the way into my brain from there. Not overly invasive, but probably why I'm feeling so sore.

Anyway, it's early for my usual bedtime, and I'm not tired. So I'm going to read for a while and see if that can't calm me down enough to sleep.

February 22nd, 2018

Candace asked this morning if she could be with me for the operation. I don't think she understood that she wouldn't be allowed in the room. But Mom said she'd be welcome to stay with her while I was in. Since Hal was going to stop by this morning anyway I texted him and asked him to pick Candace up. And they were both able to join me when I was admitted to the hospital.

Hal couldn't stay long since he had class, but it was nice having him here. Candace looks like more of a wreck than Mom does. She's been great though, offering to get coffee or snacks or anything we need. I don't think Mom's let go of me since we got here. Even now her hand is resting on my leg.

I'm feeling stoic, I think would be the best word. I can feel my system altered without my meds, it's like I'm in a constant state of going into an attack. Not quite nauseous, more like I'm sitting in a boat on water. And to be honest, I haven't let go of Mom all day either. In many ways she's been holding me up. I know what's coming, and any fear or nervousness I should feel is gone. Now I'm just waiting for it to happen.

And that's what's happening now. It's still early in the day, we just had a small lunch. I'm just waiting for staff to come get me. So I decided to write in my journal a bit, I expect afterward I'm not going to want to do much.

Max couldn't be here, though she texted me saying she wished she could. She said she'll try to stop by later just to check in on me. Likewise, Dad has work. But he'll come over after he gets off.

Dr. Laurie just poked his head into the room to let us know they're coming.

February 18th, 2018

Today was one of those increasingly rare days where not a whole lot happens. It was kinda nice, except Hal was off doing things with Tim. He did pick me up in the morning for our workout, and stopped by for lunch. It's been a little over two weeks since I sent Efe's letter. So a response from him should be arriving soon. Knowing that I asked Hal if he could get the pictures that we'd taken of everyone printed out so I'd have them ready to send. At lunch he let me know where he'd taken them and gave me the ticket to pick them up. So I did that on the way home.

Mom was a little worried that I'd gotten home a bit late, but having run that chore reminded me I needed to get pictures of her and Dad too. So we had a little fun with that, and at Dad's expense when he got home.

So I've got some more pictures to have printed, and I've just been working on the next letter to send him. With how all the weirdness has been hitting the news, I've decided to start filling him in on anything he can confirm. Assuming he hasn't already heard about it. The tree and the riots, The Stag, though I left out DIA because we're really not sure what happened there. I didn't go into all the stuff we've been talking about during our conspiracy dinners, just what's shown up in the major news articles.

Of course I had to mention the town of Albany, WY. Which I did some checking, they haven't found anyone else yet. Of course there's all the other missing persons cases, and the found persons cases. I haven't been mentioning them, but every day it seems there's more.

I also let Efe know what's been going on with my little death. I didn't tell him exactly why I'd gone to Dr. Laurie in the first place, just that we'd taken some more scans, what was found, and what's to be done.

Not wanting to dwell on the bad, I mentioned meeting Efe's parents. But the big thing was going to the open night with Max and Candace and how much fun we'd had there.

I now have a short story of a letter to send, and I haven't even gotten a letter from him to respond to. At least I'm prepared this time.

February 14th, 2018

So the scans didn't show any growth from August, and when they sent the scans out to a specialist to review they made sure to send both sets of scans to compare. Dr. Laurie also made sure to send out the scans to a new pair of eyes, someone different from who had looked at them before.

Well, that new pair of eyes noticed something. While my tumor hasn't grown in size, it is affecting a blood vessel that runs right through my visual cortex. And that blood vessel is bulging. Dr. Laurie hadn't noticed that 'cause he was looking at the tumor itself, as did the first expert he'd sent the scans to. The bulge on this blood vessel happens at a spot a small distance from the tumor itself, small in relation to the fact it's all in my brain. On the scans, it's not close enough to be immediately noticeable if all one's looking at is the tumor.

So despite everything I've gone over with Dr. Laurie, admitting all the conspiracy stuff and good reason to think there is something there for me to see. There's good reason to believe that I am actually hallucinating. Which is either that the bulge in the blood vessel is also pressing on my visual cortex, or the fact that the cortex is not getting as much blood.

The bad news, on top of all this, is that I could have a stroke. My brain suffocating, or the blood vessel rupturing.

The good news is that we've caught it, and unlike my tumor we can do something about it.

Dr. Laurie did say that there was no immediate danger of a stroke, otherwise he would have ordered me in as soon as he'd heard back from his expert. But the sooner we can take care of this the better. Now, we could call for an emergency operation and have this done tomorrow, or even today for that matter. We decided though it would be better to give me time to prepare. So my operation is scheduled for next Thursday. That'll give me a week of work and give the museum time to adjust schedules. Then I'll have Wednesday to do what I need to do.

The operation will take place on Thursday. They'll be placing a stent in the artery near where the tumor is to help open the pathway back up. I'll be kept over night for observation, and have more tests on Friday before they release me. And then they want me taking it easy for a week. This is usually for heart stents, but common practice for brain stents. Then I'll have to come back in the following Wednesday for more tests before they deem me worthy of going back to work. Part of all this though is that I'll be on some new meds. Dr. Laurie wants to give me a week to see how the meds affect me before I go back to work. I am so not looking forward to that after last time.

In a way, it's kind of a relief to know that I am hallucinating. And Dr. Laurie did say that because the stent would be pushing back on the tumor, the hallucinations might not go away. So there's a certain amount of distress about that. But considering what I've been seeing, now that I know, they've been kinda cute. Not disruptive, or debilitating. If they get worse, obviously I need to report it to Dr. Laurie. But otherwise I can deal. It does mean I can't trust everything I see as readily. But I've already been working on asking if other people are seeing what I'm seeing. And those close to me will know what's going on.

We're also concerned how this might affect my dizzy spells. I already keep a record of them, we'll just be going over their frequency for a while. Dr. Laurie did note that at about one attack per week, I am still up from my rates before my blackout in August. And he thinks that this bulge probably caused the blackout in the first place. So one possibility is that my attacks might go back to their original rate. But we won't know for a while.

Dr. Laurie did assure me that this was a minimally invasive surgery. And he's asked a colleague of his at the hospital to step in. Dr. Kendrick has been very successful with these operations, and he's confident that it'll go smoothly. I'll meet her on Thursday when I come in.

So that's the big news. I was waking up so late this morning that I almost missed my appointment. Mom was starting to get concerned, so she called Candace to find out where I was. I was still in bed. Candace woke me, and I got dressed in a hurry while Mom drove over to pick me up. And then we made our way to the Dr.'s office walking in just in time. Afterward I apologized for running so late, but Mom was great. She said Candace had called while I was in talking to the Dr. and apologized. Mom said she was just happy to hear I'd had a good night. And while we were talking Max texted to also apologize. She'd left for class thinking I'd have plenty of time to get up. What got Mom concerned was that Hal had stopped by to pick me up for the gym as usual.

But by that point I'd missed Hal for lunch as well. Mom had planned the day off for me anyway, so she helped me get around and take care of what I needed. And after I got home I called up the museum to let them know what was going on. Thankfully Dr. Laurie already provided me with a Dr.'s note. I'll turn that in to them on Friday when I go back to work. Helene was nice about it though, she just has to make sure everything's in order.

With all that going on though, I forgot what day it was. Hal came calling after class, which I expected. What I didn't expect was for him to be dressed up all nice and sharp. He'd gotten reservations at Fruition for tonight, and we had about twenty minutes to get there. I don't think I've every gotten dressed that fast.

Fantastic food, fantastic night. Though it wasn't until we'd gotten back to Hal's place that I realized I'd left my present for him in the dryer at home. We still had a wonderful evening, and Mom had already informed Hal not to worry about getting me home. It seems she and he had done some scheming on me. Hal promises he didn't plan for it to go that far, just that he wanted to surprise me with dinner. It was Mom that insisted that I didn't have to be home at any reasonable hour. And then while I was rushing to get dressed, she handed him my over-night bag. It doesn't have any clean clothes, since that's what I was washing. But it's got my amenities, and my journal.

Now that I'm caught up though, time to make this fantastic night unbelievable. I think I've kept Hal waiting long enough.

February 12th, 2018

I finally got a call back from Dr. Laurie about my brain scan. He said we needed to talk and we've set up an appointment for Wednesday. If everything was fine, he'd have said so. Still having an appointment to go over specifics would be okay. But he didn't say things are fine. I'm kinda freaking out here.

He had called in the morning hoping we might be able to schedule something today or tomorrow. But I've got work, and when I get off he's busy the rest of the day, so Wednesday was our first chance.

Not much else to say. Thanks to Dr. Laurie's call I've spent most of the day in a daze. There was a lot of talk about The Stag, even Max was texting me all day. I let Hal know what was going on when he stopped by for lunch. After work he picked me up and brought me straight home. It was a nice evening with him and my parents. Dad even let us have the TV, so we watched an episode of Supergirl since Hal's not up to the current season of Supernatural. And Ice cream, we didn't have banana's, but we did have cookie's and cream.

February 5th, 2018

I had another dizzy spell this morning. It was at work, but with how not busy we were there weren't any issues. Only four days since my last one though. I hope they're not becoming more common again. I'll have to mention this with Dr. Laurie when he gets back to me about my results.

Missing persons cases and the news stories surrounding them have been everywhere today. I don't think I could have avoided them if I'd wanted to. But it's like people have been taking it to heart, the museum felt like a ghost town today. They even offered to let me go home early, since I'd had the attack I took em up on it.

Let's see, there've been multiple boats in the Gulf of Mexico that have failed to return to dock as planned over the last two weeks. Coast guard hasn't found any evidence of wreckage, or adrift vessels. There's a lot of space out there, but for as many have gone missing it's hard to believe nothing has been found for any of them.

Also ships failing to return to dock along the south western coast. Mostly small craft, but one container ship is also listed as missing.

Up in Canada they've also started noticing a similar trend. People out camping in the unseasonably warm weather. Some scientists failed to check in and when a search party was sent to their base of operations it was found abandoned. No sign of what happened to the scientists.

Missing people all across the US, even into the pan handle of Florida. There was even a report out of Juno, Alaska.

News agencies suspect there's been a similar trend down in Mexico, but it's hard to filter out these cases when there were already a lot of cases of missing persons. But they have noticed that there's been an increased stress between suspected criminal organizations. If they're missing people, they might be getting paranoid.

So yea, things have just been getting insane, and I was happy to retreat to Hal's place. I did text him asking if I could come over early since I was out of work. I knew he'd be in class, and he offered that I could sit in and take part. But I didn't feel comfortable with that in the middle of a lecture. So when I was close, I texted him and he meet me outside to give me his key.

Conscious of his roommate, I knocked first just so that I wasn't walking in on him. But since there was no answer I let myself in and made myself comfortable. I didn't think anything of it, and Hal gave me permission. But when his roommate came home, he hit the roof finding me there. I don't know what his issue is, but he called me every nasty name he could think of. I still have some of those words ringing in my ears. And I've had people be mean to me, use my ethnicity against me, or my gender. This was something else. He called on those aspects, but there was something personal about it, like I was invading his personal space or something. And the guy's twice my size easily, everything about him was aggressive. I don't think I've ever been as scared as I was today.

I was out that door as soon as I could, which wasn't soon enough. When he started he was blocking the entrance and I had nowhere to go. I tried to retreat to Hal's room but he made to cut me off. It gave me the opening I needed and I shot out that door like there was no tomorrow.

I was in tears when Hal found me sitting outside his classroom. And someone must've called campus security because while Hal was trying to comfort me they pushed their way in between us, as if Hal was who I needed protection from.

When things finally calmed down and they let Hal come to me, we made a formal report of what happened. Hal said he would do everything he could to have his roommate reassigned, and if not he'd happily start looking for somewhere else to go. Either way, as long as his roommate is there, I don't want to go anywhere near him.

Instead we called up Max and invited her to dinner with us. Once she heard what had happened, she dropped everything.

Just thinking over it, I'm shaking. And some of his insults didn't even make sense. Not that they need to, but towelhead?!? I mean seriously.

I've gone over it enough between security, and Hal, and Max. I just wish Hal was here. I'm worried what Hal might do, or what Simon might do. Hal said Simon was usually pretty calm and nice, and he'd never said anything about me. At least, not me specifically, he did seem pretty concerned about Hal having sex outside of marriage. As if that's any of his business. Though that might explain the succubus and temptress words that were hurled my way.

Hal didn't want to stay at his place tonight either. But he couldn't stay here, of course, so he's spending the night with his parents. It's so far out of his way though that I won't see him tomorrow morning.

Enough, I've wrote it down. Now it can get out of my head and maybe get some sleep.

January 25th, 2018

Hal had Candace with him when he picked me up for the gym. And then we all made plans for Mom to pick Candace and I up from there. I had already talked with Hal about being there for the Dr's appointment, so I felt like I had to turn Candace down when she offered while he was there. I did talk with her after Hal had left us at the gym, and she said she was actually going to use the time to work on things. Mom was happy to drop her off as we were headed to the appointment, so it worked out.

The appointment went about as I expected. Dr. Laurie took some blood and asked a lot of questions, what I've been eating, if I've been drinking, sexual activity, stress levels, all that stuff. I think this was the first time I've asked Mom if I could talk with Dr. Laurie alone. After the interview, Dr. Laurie asked me about what had happened and why I had called for an appointment.

That was a long conversation, and included a lot of explanation that I hadn't talked to anyone about outside of our little conspiracy group. To be honest, I don't have a lot of people to talk to outside of that group. Dr. Laurie though is really good about listening and not being judgmental. He recognized that I was trying to make sure I wasn't imagining things that we were talking about. Also that I was making the effort to confirm the things I could confirm. He agreed that I'd done right by asking Hal if he'd seen the fairies that I had. Though he did suggest that maybe I should ask someone who isn't also part of the conspiracy group. But he also recognized that I had looked around and paid attention to what the others were seeing and hearing. So I didn't do wrong, it was just a suggestion.

Dr. Laurie wasn't willing to rule on our conspiracy theories, which is fine. His concern is my health. But he did say he'd been hearing a lot of interesting things and even if my friends and I were wrong about what was going on, there certainly seemed to be something going on. But whether I was seeing fairies or something else, what we were concerned with here was whether what I was seeing was actually there.

So with my interview done, we made our way down to the CT-scanner. I got to spend another eternity in the damn thing. They do try to make it as comfortable as they can, but it's just not. This time they had installed a television and over the headphones they were asking me questions about what I was seeing on the screen and what I thought about it. A lot of simple images, pictures of cats mostly. But they also threw in some visual illusions just to see how what effect it'd have on me. Some were neat, one made me sick. Dr. Laurie insisted it wasn't actually moving, but the illusion was that it appeared to. Hell of an illusion. They also seemed to have a lot of pictures that were meant to trigger pareidolia, which I think I've explained before. It's our ability to see patterns in things, particularly the ability to pick out faces where they don't exist. The dimples in someone's knees, the headlights and grill of a vehicle, or the formation of a cloud. They were trying to see what parts of my brain would light up in response to the things I was seeing so they could compare it with others. But they also wanted to know how my visual cortex was lighting up with the tumor sitting right there.

It took a good long time, and I was all too happy to get out. Dr. Laurie said my initial results appeared normal, but they'd have to send the results away to see what other experts had to say about it. And that could take up to a month or more. For now, he reminded me to keep practicing being able to get around without relying on my vision. I could lose my sight, I could be starting to see things, I could hallucinate and still lose my sight. Whatever happens, I won't be able to rely on my vision, so I should practice going without.

Which was about what I reported to Candace after Mom dropped me off, after a stop to Bonnie Brae. I did ask Candace what she'd like, she said she didn't know. So we surprised her with a cookie dough cone. She loved it! And has now requested to stop by there after every time we visit the gym.

And true to her word, Candace did offer me a shoulder to cry on. I took her up on that, though with a few days past and a visit to Dr. Laurie, I didn't feel like crying so much. We cleaned up and organized while we talked. Her in-laws had come by to pick up most of the stuff we had set aside already. The gun cabinet though was still there, they didn't have any way of getting it when they'd stopped by. Candace did say they seemed to accept Sam getting the car at least, so that was good. A lot of stuff had been sorted out that they didn't want, which was more than I thought there'd be. And along with the gun cabinet there were a few other things they still wanted to pick up. Mostly what we were doing today was cleaning out the bedrooms and vacuuming up. Candace wanted to make sure they were good to go for next week.

Hal did stop by between classes. It was later than usual, since his lunch was taken up by my appointment. So he wasn't able to stay as long. But he did ask how things were going, and held me for a while. That was nice, and comforting. Even Candace got in on it.

Sam was oblivious, but I guess he picked up a big commission recently and it's been taking up a lot of his time. He seemed really happy about it, though he couldn't say what it was yet. But he did share some pictures. I was worried that if he couldn't tell us what he was making, this might be a breach of contract. But neither of us could tell what he was making based on what he'd shown us, so I guess there's nothing to worry about.

Max made the time to come join us for dinner after hearing about my appointment. She asked how it went over dinner, which was the first Sam was hearing about it. We talked, I got more hugs, and a big one from Sam. He made sure to ask if there was anything they could do to help, which was kind of him. I told him that just knowing he was there for me was perfect.

So I'm home now, and I am oddly feeling at peace. It's been such a big fear for so long, and I have been pretty tore up about it. It was nice receiving so much support today. A lot of hugging, and some crying. I don't know what I'm hoping for as far as results. I think either way will be a comfort, and a worry. Either I am seeing things, which will finally confirm what we've been planning on for so long. Or I'm not, in which case the fairies were there to be seen. But then, why was I the only one seeing them?

I don't know, one step at a time I guess. Hal I think would say that even if I was seeing things, the fairies might still have been there. In fact, I think he'll insist on that.

January 22nd, 2018

I have an appointment with Dr. Laurie on Thursday at 1:30. Depending on how things go, I can still catch up with Candace afterward. Depending on what happens, I may not want to catch up with Candace afterward. So I've been texting her today to let her know. She's supportive and understanding. She asked if there was anything she could do, I offered that she could be my shoulder to cry on for a change. She said "anytime, with hot chocolate."

Hal on the other hand, is busy trying to find an explanation that doesn't involve my tumor. Which is sweet of him, but it's like when Christians find out about my tumor. Their idea of comfort is to say God's got a plan for everything. Apparently his plan is to kill me before I'm forty. Thanks. And it's not like they don't mean well, but some times shit happens. There's no need for an explanation. I've known about this tumor for a long time now, two thirds of my life in fact. And for years now I've known that I might start hallucinating. It's starting.

Hal went and asked Tim as much as he could without telling him what I'd seen. Turns out that fairies can choose whether or not people see them. And it's not an all or nothing either. They can be selective, say for instance I can see them while no one else can. This sounds to me like a recipe for them to be able to drive us insane.

So yea, Hal's explanation is that the fairies were there, and I did see them. But only because they wanted me to see them. They weren't paying any attention to me, or anyone else there. In fact they seemed so caught up with what they were doing that I doubt they'd be wanting anyone to see them, or were thinking of not being seen. It's hard for me to believe they'd be wanting to fuck with me.

And if they did, well fuck them.

No, it's nice for Hal to be trying to justify what I'd seen. But I think he's seeing how concerned about this I am, and he's just trying to make me feel better. Or it's dawning on him how serious this is, and he's scared too. I don't blame him, fear makes people do stupid things. But right now, I need him to man up.

I asked him to bring me home, told him when my appointment was. He said he'd skip class if I needed him, I thanked him but Mom'll be there. I don't want him feeling like I'm rejecting him or putting him at a distance, so I hugged him tightly and asked if we could do something Wednesday after he got out of class. "It's a date."

November 28th, 2017

Mom and I spent most of the day at the Dr.'s office today. There was a lot of waiting, for our appointment, then for tests, and then for Dr. Laurie again. It was a busy day for him. But it was nice to take it easy for a change. I've always enjoyed seeing Dr. Laurie, he's good to me. But he is getting closer to retirement, and he was talking about that. It makes me sad to think I won't be able to see him for much longer, but I am happy for him. He said he's been starting to look for a replacement, someone he'll have to mentor for a while, so he won't be leaving anytime soon. With my particular issues, he was keeping me in mind and wanted to make sure he had someone who could work with me as much as anyone. So I'll probably be meeting another Dr. working with Dr. Laurie the next few times I see him.

As for the tests, they were mostly basic stuff. Dr. Laurie doesn't have access to his own MRI so if we want to use that we have to make an appointment with the hospital. Blood tests are the big ones, so lots of needles involved. Depending on what he finds we might take the step up and book some time on the MRI. For now, everything seems to be good and he'll call back in a few days about the blood tests. I was never without balance except during the attack, which is normal. So the only thing that's concerning is the pain and me going unconscious. Dr. Laurie reminded me that the last MRI I had done showed some growth, and that maybe this will be the new normal. Two times isn't a trend though, so while he will go back over those scans to see if there was anything he missed, he didn't feel it warranted another scan just yet. For now, I'll have to watch my attacks. After I dropped in August I was having a lot more attacks than usual all the way through September. That may happen again.

I do appreciate everything Dr. Laurie has done, and how well he treats me. But it is frustrating that so often the answer is "We don't know." I suppose if anything that's why people turn to snake oil salesmen. Even though they don't know, they claim to, and that can be a comfort.

For all the time we had waiting, I spent much of it watching the news. Since it was the Dr's office, we weren't watching current news, we were watching entertainment news. Normally... Normally I wouldn't watch much news at all, so for me to be watching as much as I have been over the last few months is impressive in its own right. But I've been watching informative news, wanting to know about the tree and DIA, and stuff like that. So entertainment news is largely ignored. But this time I hear that they're throwing a birthday bash for Gus Jones, here in Denver, tomorrow. They're bringing in some big names to perform and honor him too, I so wish I could be there. I wonder how old he is? Seems like he's been around forever.

After I got home, I called the Museum and let them know that I'm still waiting on the results of some tests. They'll determine whether I need to take a day off for a visit to the Hospital, but otherwise I should be back to work as usual on Friday. Mom's feeling protective of me, and has insisted she take tomorrow off so she can help me get around Denver to do chores. I don't want to feel like a weight, but I know she'll feel better being there for me. Besides, it might be nice to have her company for a change and maybe do some things with her.

I guess Hal spread the word of what happened at work. I got messages from Max and Sam and Candace wishing me well. That was thoughtful of him. Hal then stopped by after he got finished with his stuff and we sat out in the common area just talking and looking up at the stars. I think Mom was enjoying it too, she kept bringing hot chocolate. Hal got to pointing out the constellations, I've always enjoyed them, but I've never been out of the city to get a good view. Hal said one of the things he enjoys most about camping is being able to see the night sky away from the cities lights.

We found Orion easily enough, and from there Hal showed me how his belt points toward Taurus and the The Pleiades beyond. I know Orion well enough, so he was easy to spot, but I didn't know Taurus or The Pleiades. I knew of them, so once Hal started pointing them out I could see Taurus well enough. But for some reason I couldn't see The Pleiades. Hal could see them, but he said that they've been used in the past as a way to tell how well peoples vision was based on how many of the stars they could see. So now we're both wondering if I need glasses. I've always passed all my vision tests with flying colors. I guess it doesn't hurt to check on that every so often.

I updated him on my Dr's visit, and how things are going with my little death. He said that he'd been paying attention to the news surrounding the tree. The fireflies are gone again, but everyone seems to be expecting them to be hiding in the tree again. The crows though are loitering the entire intersection and there seems to be a great many more than before. They've allowed the police to keep a barrier about a block away, but they seem to watch for anyone approaching and get threatening if so. None has been allowed near the tree since yesterday.

Hal brought up wanting to go camping again when the weather warms up. He asked if I'd want to go with. I told him that with my tumor, I'd never gone. We've never been the most well off, so I haven't actually done a lot of traveling or seeing the world. Medical expenses had always weighed us down, and now that I've got a job I'd been helping with that. But our habits remain. I didn't say no, as much as anything I told him I was scared, what I said though was that I'd think about it. We've got plenty of time, and time that'll have to be used exploring our relationship to see if we are up for that anyway. But now that the thought is planted, I have to admit some excitement.

Oh well, he had to leave, and it's been a long day. So I'm calling it.

November 27th, 2017

If it weren't for the attack I had back in August, I'd say this was the worst attack I've ever had.

This morning started out like any other day, got around, got my stuff together so I could go to work. While I was at the gym, I noticed the news concerning the tree in LODO. The city had decided once and for all it was going to get rid of that tree, and they'd brought in a whole construction crew to dig up the pavement around it, and to dig it out by the roots. I guess Melia Floros had finally managed to talk to the city. She wasn't able convince them to leave the tree where it was, but she did persuade them to relocate the tree rather than to destroy it.

So in addition to the equipment that would dig the tree up, there was also a sixteen wheeler to transport the tree to another location. But I guess the city wanted to make absolutely sure that the tree was no longer in that intersection. If they couldn't dig it up and move it, they had brought a wrecking ball to smash it.

There was a lot of noise from the protesters, both sides. No one was happy about this. Those in favor of the tree considered the wrecking ball to be a threat and jeered the crew that manned it. On the other side of the street, those against the tree, they made it clear that they believed the tree should be destroyed. They didn't like that the city was making an attempt to not harm the tree, and very much cheered the wrecking ball crew.

I didn't learn this all at the gym, I didn't spend that much time there. Most of it I learned after I got to work. Despite being a Monday we still had a crowd of people show up early to see the new exhibit. Many of them had been unable to see the exhibit over the weekend because the lines were too long. We had offered them free tickets to come back another day, and knowing the lines they came back early today hoping to not have to wait.

Anyway, with everything starting up around the tree, people stopped coming in. Even the guests we already had were nervous after the riots we'd been having. So the news was turned on and we were set to learn of events as they unfolded.

At about noon, the first crew started digging up the road. It seemed like all was going well, but I started to feel a dizzy spell come on, and I knew in that moment the shit was about to hit the fan.

From my perspective, everything else just went away. It's not like anything happened, as far as my perceptions. It's just that with my attack coming, nothing else mattered. I looked over to Daniel and told him to get a manager, and find Hal. He hesitated not knowing what was going on. Before I could explain, the dizziness hit me like a ton of bricks. There wasn't any pain at first, just vertigo. I had sat down on a stool, and that fist wave caused me to lean so far forward that I fell off. Thankfully Brittany was there, and she was at my side immediately. I just let the ceiling spin, there wasn't anything else I could do.

A manager showed up, but I don't remember who it was. I just remember Brittany talking with them. Shortly afterward I remember Hal kneeling down next to me. I rolled over to put my head in his lap... that was a mistake, vomited all over him. And that was when I first noticed the pain. I was apologizing, asking for some pain killers, and asking to go home all at the same time, I didn't feel like I could get it out in any sensible order.

Hal has been very aware of my condition, considering that was why I was in the hospital when we met. But I don't think he's ever been there for one of my attacks. They are usually just little dizzy moments, sometimes worse, rarely causing me to vomit. This was all of it, and the pain, and I was scared I was going to pass out again. I can still feel that fear. In August I was out for two nights, and that was the first time I'd ever passed out, or even felt the pain. Who knows how long I'd be out this time?

I didn't want to panic though, so I focused on the pain and analysed it. I tried to remember how it was in August, and how it was different. In August, I seem to remember the pain being very sudden and it went straight to 10. I wasn't in pain for long before I passed out. This time, I'm not even sure when it started hurting. I puked, and then realized I was in pain, but it's not like that's when it started hurting. And once I realized I was hurting, I also realized it was getting worse. But it came on, not slow, just slow compared to August. That's why I wanted pain killers, I could feel it steadily getting worse. I had hopped that if I could resist the pain, that would prevent me from passing out. As if it were the pain that caused me to black out before.

Anyway, I struggled like this for a bit, and then I felt someone pressing a couple of pills into my hand and Hal helped raise me up into a sitting position. By this point I realized I had a circle of people around me, but I was too far gone to be embarrassed. I drunkenly tried to get the pills into my mouth, and then almost choked on the water I was offered. I got it down, and then asked Hal again if he would take me home. He nodded and with someone's help they put my arms over their shoulders and half carried, half dragged, me out to Hal's jeep.

I remember Hal trying to explain that he couldn't take me straight home, but I didn't understand why, and kinda didn't care. At some point I did finally pass out.

I woke up at home at about three. Mom was on the phone with Dr. Laurie, and Hal was sitting in Dad's chair watching the news. Hal said I was out, all told about two hours. I apologized again for puking on him, he asked how I was. I told him I was scared, and relieved that I hadn't lost another day or two. He asked if I needed anything, I told him something to drink. When he got back I had him help me stand. I wanted to make sure I had my balance, which thankfully I do.

I sat back down and turned my attention to the news. Hal explained that while I was out the crows in LODO attacked the crew that was trying to remove the tree. He then went looking for summaries of what had happened. The crows started by dive bombing the crews, pecking at their helmets as they passed by and causing a general ruckus. The crews tried to work through it, but eventually had to start fighting back. They pulled out various tools at hand that they could use to swing at the crows as they passed by. And at first it looked like they might have succeeded in driving the birds away.

But the crows learned and started working in tandem. One to distract their target while another crow struck them from behind. Hal said it almost looked like it had turned into a big brawl, and the crows were on top. But they were hitting the helmets, which didn't really do much. Still, it forced the crew to abandon using the jack hammer to break up the pavement. Instead, they got into the two excavators and just started tearing up the pavement from the safety of their cabs. Hal said that's when it got disturbing, the birds started attacking the cabs, flying into the windows hard. More than a few of the crows knocked themselves out striking the windows.

But the excavators kept working. That was when the fireflies came back. And again, the limbs aren't bare, the tree still has all of it's leaves. So the fireflies were coming out from under the leaves and behind branches, like they'd been there the whole time. They swarmed the excavators, flying into every nook and cranny they could find. It seems no one's sure exactly what happened, just that after some time of being swarmed, both excavators shut down. One right after the other. Once they shut down, both gave off a black smoke and wouldn't start. The crews tried to come over to check on the operators and the equipment, but the crows attacked the people and prevented them from approaching the excavators.

At that point, someone made the decision to involve the wrecking ball. The crane started it's engine, and everyone paused knowing what was about to happen. Even the birds seemed to take a step back in flight. But then those opposed to the tree shot up a loud cheer and all sense of order went right out the window. The crows flew into the crowd, whose heads weren't protected by helmets. And the fireflies that had seemed to go away after stopping the excavators, they appeared in flight headed straight toward the crane.

The crew tried to ward off the swarm, only to get attacked. And while they had been mostly immune to the crows, they didn't have any protection from the fireflies. They burst out in welts and blisters, rashes, even little cuts. It was scary, and the crew ran. But while the crows busied themselves with the crowd of supporters and even gave chase to those that ran, the fireflies just moved right on to the crane.

Now the crows were vastly outnumbered by the crowd of people, so they relied on the chaos of the situation. But they weren't immune themselves and the people in the crowd started reaching out to try and catch the crows or strike them. So that was a fight, and reporters are mentioning that the crows took looses.

But there was one crow that stood out from the rest. It had a silver streak running across its chest that was hard to see. Unless it hit the light just right, and then it was very apparent. That crow seemed to be able to pass above the crowds heads and almost effortlessly avoided every hand that tried to grab it or strike it. And when it pecked at the peoples heads, it drew blood. That thing was viscous, and terrifying. Once people started to become aware of that crow, they started running from it specifically. It didn't take much longer and that single crow had the crowd dispersing almost entirely on it's own.

While that fight was going on, the fireflies swarmed the crane. And they just kept coming, it almost seemed as if they weren't getting anywhere. The operator just continued to ignore the fireflies, positioned the crane where he felt it needed to be and started raising the wrecking ball. Suddenly there was a loud pop, or a crack, or crunch and the ball just dropped. It's a good thing no one was under it, because the jackhammer that was was crushed like an empty soda can and the ball buried itself into the road almost a quarter of the way.

It was a dramatic end to everything that was going on, the crew completely abandoned their efforts and their machinery. And the crows didn't limit themselves to driving away those opposed to the tree. They turned on everyone there, even the tree supporters. Now the supporters were wise to just leave. They had just seen what had happened to the others, and fortunately once they got moving the crows didn't fully attack them. But they did circle and dive in warning. They even got threatening with the police and fire department. That was the last time the crow with the silver streak was seen. It flew between the emergency crews and the other crows almost in a protective gesture. After that the rest of the crows turned back to dispersing the crowds.

As far as I know, the whole block around that intersection has been abandoned.

Anyway, Hal stuck around for dinner after Dad got home from work. Mom set up an appointment with Dr. Laurie for me tomorrow, and then called the museum and let them know I wouldn't be able to make it tomorrow. Fortunately I have the following two days off. I'm so tired, who knew passing out was so exhausting? So I'm going to bed way early tonight. Hopefully tomorrow sanity will have returned to the world.

November 20th, 2017

While my trip home tonight had a huge hiccup, Mom and Dad are only now getting home. They were out celebrating their anniversary, which is another thing I've forgotten. I'll have more thoughts on that later. Anyway, knowing they were going to be out and that I'd be on my own for dinner, I took a detour on my route home to stop by the mall. I wanted to get something to eat, and also to hit up the card shop to pick something up for Mom and Dad.

While I was doing this, a mob of people stormed LODO, overwhelmed the police presence at the tree and tried to build a bonfire to burn the tree down. After the riots a couple of weeks ago, the police had initially been making a strong standing. But their presence had thinned thinking everything had calmed down. Whoever these people were, they took advantage of the dwindling police presence. And there seems to be a strong connection between them and the counter-protesters. Like before, they were carrying a frightening amount of axes and there are reports of Molotov cocktails though nothing has shown up on video yet. The only difference being these rioters seem to be wearing Guy Fawkes masks with a cross painted on the foreheads.

The rioters took it upon themselves to try to burn the tree down. Probably because there was no attempt on the cities part to cut it down. Video does show them using their axes on the tree while trying to erect their bonfire materials, all to no effect. One was caught on camera as he swung his axe. It actually broke against the tree. The wooden handle did, not the head of the axe. But it seems a lot of the guys who took a swing were inspecting the blade of their axes afterward.

The cities response was to immediately shut down all public transportation, which was how I got stranded. At the time I wasn't aware of what was going on, I was just sitting at the bus stop looking alternately at my clock and the arrival/departure times. My parents however were eating at The Capital Grille, which is just down the street, so they got trapped in with all the chaos.

The rioters did get their bonfire built. Using a couple of pickup trucks, they quickly brought in as many wooden pallets as they could fit in the trucks. Stacked em up around the base of the tree, sprayed lighter fluid all over it, and lit a match. One of the rioters was burned pretty badly, though it's unclear how. They're currently at a hospital receiving care, but officials haven't released who the person is or which hospital they're at.

While one of the trucks had managed to get past the concrete barricade the police had set up, the other wasn't also able to get in. The rioters had to pass the pallets over that barricade, which slowed them down and prevented them from being able to build the bonfire properly. One of the speculations for how the one rioter got burned was that they tried to put a pallet into the fire after it had been lit. In any case, the poorly constructed bonfire didn't have the effect they were hoping for. While it did get hot, it didn't get hot enough to do more than scorch the tree. And because it was so slow in getting built, it didn't take long for fire response to put out the blaze.

That said, the second truck that couldn't manage to get into the barricade also failed to start back up when the rioters tried to flee. And because it wasn't moving, it trapped the other truck inside the barrier. The first truck, inside the barricade, caught fire shortly before officials arrived so it's damaged. And both vehicles have been impounded.

While all this was going on, my parents called me to let me know what was going on. This allowed me to call Max for a ride and is how I eventually got home. But being caught up in LODO, my parents had to wait for the police to allow them to go home. Officials were monitoring the streets and controlling who was able to do what, not wanting any further rioting.

So that was my adventure after work. We are all home safe and sound, as is Max. The riots from before are only weeks gone, but with this happening it's like that fear has returned full force. Max stayed with me till Mom and Dad got home, and we just sat in front of the TV dumbfounded. I did get texts from both Hal and Sam making sure I was okay. They were as well, and Sam was with Candace to say she was good.

I'm still blown away that people can feel this strongly about a tree. But at the same time, because of the riots previously, I can already feel myself numbing in response. Is this going to be the new normal?

I had had some thoughts on why I've been so forgetful lately. I was contemplating that while riding the bus to pick up a card for Mom and Dad. I'd always been so good about remembering these things before. I can't imagine forgetting their anniversary, and my birthday, was just because of what all was going on. It makes me wonder if this might be a side effect of my little death.

I'm seeing things, I'm forgetting things, but there's been some otherwise reasonable excuses too. As far as the things I'm seeing, it seems I'm legitimately seeing them, there is something there to see. But I can't help but worry. And things have been busy, the whole world is changing around me, and it's frightening. I'm aware of it, and more than that I'm looking for signs of it's changes. So I've been otherwise engaged and have a right to forget things.

I just don't want to get paranoid about everything, but what if I am having issues? Maybe I should call Dr. Laurie and set up another appointment. He'd probably remind me about seeing a shrink, come to think of it. I had been considering it, maybe I need to go look up those contacts again.

No, let's not yet. Let's start making an effort to look ahead into the month and seeing what's coming. If I can't remember things even after making that effort, then I have reason to schedule an appointment.

So, what's coming up? How far ahead should I look? I think I'll start with a month for now. That'll give me plenty of time I think.

Thanksgiving in a couple of days. Which I'm already starting to plan for. Speaking of which, Sam did get back to me this morning before all the crazy. His parents are insisting that he and Candace join them for Thanksgiving. Sam is aware of how poorly they think of Candace, so I'm not sure why he's agreeing to this. But it sounds like he's going to be placing some ground rules, so hopefully things go well.

Also, Hal joined me again for lunch today. That gave me a chance to ask him what his plans were. He'll be joining his family, though he also sounded like he might prefer coming to our place. He did say he'd miss his cousins if he did that though. But he did suggest that we should do something for Christmas. I think we both have family plans for then also, but if we plan for a day just for us we can go play in the snow or something.

Christmas is more than a month away, strictly speaking, but I've got that down now.

Oh, I have my dentist appointment coming up on the 13th. See, there are good reasons to look ahead on the calendar.

Nothing else in the works.

Alright, I'm going to go to bed and hide under my covers. One more day and then it's my weekend.