The appointment went about as I expected. Dr. Laurie took some blood and asked a lot of questions, what I've been eating, if I've been drinking, sexual activity, stress levels, all that stuff. I think this was the first time I've asked Mom if I could talk with Dr. Laurie alone. After the interview, Dr. Laurie asked me about what had happened and why I had called for an appointment.
That was a long conversation, and included a lot of explanation that I hadn't talked to anyone about outside of our little conspiracy group. To be honest, I don't have a lot of people to talk to outside of that group. Dr. Laurie though is really good about listening and not being judgmental. He recognized that I was trying to make sure I wasn't imagining things that we were talking about. Also that I was making the effort to confirm the things I could confirm. He agreed that I'd done right by asking Hal if he'd seen the fairies that I had. Though he did suggest that maybe I should ask someone who isn't also part of the conspiracy group. But he also recognized that I had looked around and paid attention to what the others were seeing and hearing. So I didn't do wrong, it was just a suggestion.
Dr. Laurie wasn't willing to rule on our conspiracy theories, which is fine. His concern is my health. But he did say he'd been hearing a lot of interesting things and even if my friends and I were wrong about what was going on, there certainly seemed to be something going on. But whether I was seeing fairies or something else, what we were concerned with here was whether what I was seeing was actually there.
So with my interview done, we made our way down to the CT-scanner. I got to spend another eternity in the damn thing. They do try to make it as comfortable as they can, but it's just not. This time they had installed a television and over the headphones they were asking me questions about what I was seeing on the screen and what I thought about it. A lot of simple images, pictures of cats mostly. But they also threw in some visual illusions just to see how what effect it'd have on me. Some were neat, one made me sick. Dr. Laurie insisted it wasn't actually moving, but the illusion was that it appeared to. Hell of an illusion. They also seemed to have a lot of pictures that were meant to trigger pareidolia, which I think I've explained before. It's our ability to see patterns in things, particularly the ability to pick out faces where they don't exist. The dimples in someone's knees, the headlights and grill of a vehicle, or the formation of a cloud. They were trying to see what parts of my brain would light up in response to the things I was seeing so they could compare it with others. But they also wanted to know how my visual cortex was lighting up with the tumor sitting right there.
It took a good long time, and I was all too happy to get out. Dr. Laurie said my initial results appeared normal, but they'd have to send the results away to see what other experts had to say about it. And that could take up to a month or more. For now, he reminded me to keep practicing being able to get around without relying on my vision. I could lose my sight, I could be starting to see things, I could hallucinate and still lose my sight. Whatever happens, I won't be able to rely on my vision, so I should practice going without.
Which was about what I reported to Candace after Mom dropped me off, after a stop to Bonnie Brae. I did ask Candace what she'd like, she said she didn't know. So we surprised her with a cookie dough cone. She loved it! And has now requested to stop by there after every time we visit the gym.
And true to her word, Candace did offer me a shoulder to cry on. I took her up on that, though with a few days past and a visit to Dr. Laurie, I didn't feel like crying so much. We cleaned up and organized while we talked. Her in-laws had come by to pick up most of the stuff we had set aside already. The gun cabinet though was still there, they didn't have any way of getting it when they'd stopped by. Candace did say they seemed to accept Sam getting the car at least, so that was good. A lot of stuff had been sorted out that they didn't want, which was more than I thought there'd be. And along with the gun cabinet there were a few other things they still wanted to pick up. Mostly what we were doing today was cleaning out the bedrooms and vacuuming up. Candace wanted to make sure they were good to go for next week.
Hal did stop by between classes. It was later than usual, since his lunch was taken up by my appointment. So he wasn't able to stay as long. But he did ask how things were going, and held me for a while. That was nice, and comforting. Even Candace got in on it.
Sam was oblivious, but I guess he picked up a big commission recently and it's been taking up a lot of his time. He seemed really happy about it, though he couldn't say what it was yet. But he did share some pictures. I was worried that if he couldn't tell us what he was making, this might be a breach of contract. But neither of us could tell what he was making based on what he'd shown us, so I guess there's nothing to worry about.
Max made the time to come join us for dinner after hearing about my appointment. She asked how it went over dinner, which was the first Sam was hearing about it. We talked, I got more hugs, and a big one from Sam. He made sure to ask if there was anything they could do to help, which was kind of him. I told him that just knowing he was there for me was perfect.
So I'm home now, and I am oddly feeling at peace. It's been such a big fear for so long, and I have been pretty tore up about it. It was nice receiving so much support today. A lot of hugging, and some crying. I don't know what I'm hoping for as far as results. I think either way will be a comfort, and a worry. Either I am seeing things, which will finally confirm what we've been planning on for so long. Or I'm not, in which case the fairies were there to be seen. But then, why was I the only one seeing them?
I don't know, one step at a time I guess. Hal I think would say that even if I was seeing things, the fairies might still have been there. In fact, I think he'll insist on that.
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