It was probably good that I woke up so early, gave me a chance to get around slowly and properly wake up before Sam was knocking on our door at 9. I hadn't seen him so well cleaned up since that first day I'd seen him in the hospital. First impressions and all.
Anyway, I loaded up with Candace in his truck. His parents were coming separately and had the SUV. Candace was in a somber mood, but she greeted me warmly enough. We made some small talk on the way, Sam's new project, and Candace's efforts in cleaning up her place. It sounds like she's doing really well since her last check up. Her ankle doesn't hurt so she's getting antsy to get the cast removed.
Before we reached the church though, Sam interjected and made a point that he didn't want me revealing that Candace has amnesia to anyone there. Noone knows, and it's none of their business. I looked to Candace questioningly and she nodded in agreement. It's her condition, and just as the doctor can't be discussing his patients, she has a right to her privacy. It seemed odd that it needed to be requested, but not unreasonable. I'm not in the habit of discussing those things anyway, I have my own problems after all. On that thought I did let them know I had had a dizzy spell that morning. I don't think I've ever had more than one in a day, but just to be on the safe side they should be prepared.
The memorial was nice. I'm not a particularly religious person and can count the number of times I've been in a church on one hand. A lot of what was going on around me was very alien. The people comforting each other and being human was understandable. But the religious undertones were glaring to me. Probably not to the others there because they're used to it, but to me it was just, well alien. The priest, pastor? I don't know, Father Adamson was what people called him. He seemed conscious enough that not everyone on the flight was Catholic, so I felt he did a good job not being overly preachy towards his own beliefs, and kept things open to all. It was respectful, comforting, and nice.
There was recognition for those who had not survived, like Eli, and then the chance to comfort those who had survived, like Candace. A few people got up to say their own piece for those they'd lost and for the common loss of all. Some very beautiful and powerful words, and not a dry eye in the building. Sam's parents made a point to speak of their son, they loved him dearly and it showed. They didn't say one word recognizing Candace though, in fact they spent all day avoiding her. Sam did go to them, and I don't hold it against him, Eli was his brother as well. But Candace and I held back, there was no reason to make a scene.
I stayed near Candace all day. It made it easier on me, I don't do so well in crowds of people. Especially when I don't know anyone. I've mentioned Candace's beauty, but getting her into a room full of people starts to show just how gorgeous she really is. She was like a movie star, and everyone, everyone had to come see her and talk to her. I would've been overwhelmed, but she handled it masterfully. She didn't just accept their attention, she had a way of turning that attention on them. They'd bring up her ankle, which was visible, and she'd thank them for their well wishes, and then she'd turn the attention to them. It was a great way to not reveal anything about her, and at the same time she'd make them feel like the center of the universe. I could almost feel them glowing as they'd leave. The woman is amazing.
Of course there's always those who just want to talk and talk, and they don't get the hint that things need to move on. She knew exactly how to handle them too. I'm still not sure how she did it, she'd give them their attention for just long enough and then move on to the next person. It was subtle, and at first I didn't notice she'd done it. But then I noticed one guy who wanted her attention, and what I noticed is that he was still standing there watching her as she was talking to the next couple. He kept trying to interject his own thoughts into their conversation, but she'd just cut him off so decisively and subtly that he could never get a word in. I don't think he even realized she'd done it. After a short time, he realized he no longer had her attention and he just moved on. It blew my mind, and after I saw him I noticed it with others as well.
Being the wallflower I am, standing next to her I was invisible. Which was perfectly fine with me, I got to watch and just observe. While people made their rounds coming to talk to Candace, I would watch Sam. He made his own rounds speaking to others, but somehow he managed to always have Candace in sight. He had a presence all his own too, which was not just because of his size. He had a grace about him that I'd never noticed. He didn't bump into people like everyone else did just trying to get around, and he was twice as big as anyone in the room. People seemed to subconsciously give him space, they'd watch him and know where he was. When he moved, they were prepared for it. And he wasn't domineering about it at all, he was gracious and accommodating and always aware of the people around him.
But above all, he was acutely aware of Candace. When she had that admirer that didn't want to go, she could handle them perfectly fine, but from across the room I could see Sam. He'd be watching the admirer like a hawk, and he'd look to me asking with his eyes if everything was alright. I'd nod, and he'd go back to his own conversation as though nothing were amiss.
There was a break for lunch, although a lot of this continued through lunch. Sam did come and eat with us, but not without having a plate with his parents. There was so much conversation going on though that I don't think anyone even noticed. If Candace did, she didn't say anything, she was regal the whole time.
There was one person who said something that caught my attention though. She was talking to Candace and the subject of funeral services come up. I'm not sure what was being said, but what caught my attention was when she asked how Eli's services had been. The thought hadn't ever occurred to me, and I admit that now with some embarrassment. I'd been so focused on Candace's amnesia and her recovery from that, that I hadn't given any thought to the loss of her husband. To me he's a memory, I never knew him. And even while I know she lost him, Candace had no memories of him and so she didn't dwell on that loss either. So it never clicked with me that his loss was so recent.
Candace said she hadn't been there for the services. I think that's what caught my attention, as well as that of the person who she was speaking with. Candace said she was still in the hospital at the time, and it seemed to smooth things over with the lady, but I know she'd only had a broken ankle. She could have left for a funeral. Not that she had any memory of Eli at all, but still he was her husband.
When I got the chance, I asked Candace about it, and she seemed unconcerned. She explained that Eli's parents had planned and carried out the services while she was in the hospital. They hadn't brought it to her attention and she hadn't given it a lot of thought. She actually asked me if it was really that important. I shrugged and sputtered "yeah." What else does one say to that?
Candace seemed to turn inward at that, and got really concerned that she'd done something wrong. She asked if there was something she should do, or if she needed to make up for it some how. I found myself explaining that what was done was done, and that if Eli's parents had been behind it maybe there was nothing she could have done. I asked if she'd visited his grave since, and she shook her head no. So I suggested maybe she should.
Fortunately this was while the services were winding down. Sam joined us after seeing his parents off, and he got concerned when he saw Candace's state. Asking if everything was okay, Candace declared that we needed to go visit Eli's grave. He glanced to me as though asking what brought this on, and I just flatly asked why she hadn't been included for Eli's services.
After having watched him be so confident and present for the last three or four hours, it was an about face to see him stutter so helplessly. Sam didn't seem to know where to start, or how to even begin. It's just like how Candace didn't have any clothing of her own. He was back to being so thoughtless, or clueless. Watching him today being so competent, it was like a balloon popping, suddenly his competence was an illusion and we could see right through it.
Once it became clear that he could offer no explanation, Candace declared again that we needed to visit Eli's grave. Sam stopped sputtering, and nodding acknowledgement he apologized.
We set out from the church to Fort Logan National Cemetery where Eli was put to rest. I hadn't ever been to this one, but it was just like any other cemetery I've visited. Well, except that all the headstones are the same. I don't know, cemetery's always creep me out. They're nice and peaceful, and a part of me feels very comfortable when I visit them. It's like that part of me is aware of my mortality and that this is where I'll be spending eternity once my little death catches up to me. But I think the rest of me is frightened by that thought. It's probably the same for everyone, few things will make eternity abundantly clear like a cemetery will.
Sam lead us to Eli's grave, and his headstone. No one said anything. Candace looked around and seemed to approve of the surroundings, but was otherwise lost to her thoughts. For that matter so was Sam. I think Dad said we had some family buried here, but having never visited I wasn't sure where to even begin to look. So I just stayed back and let the brother and wife have their space.
When they were done, we loaded back up and Sam brought me home. That was enough for today. On the way back though, Candace quietly asked me the most innocently childish question, "Is that where we all end up?" I could only nod.
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