Yesterday after work I took the public transportation route I had looked up to get to Candace's from the Museum. I just headed on over, and in retrospect I should have let them know I was coming. I just don't think my lack of warning is as big an issue as Sam made it out to be. Besides, the only way I have of contacting Candace is through Sam, and I wanted to be able to talk with her without him being around.
It was a route I'd never taken before, and normally I would make sure to go on these routes with someone I knew just in case. A bit of a gamble, especially with how often I've been having these dizzy spells. I had been worried about having an attack though, so I texted Mom and let her know what I was up to just in case. As noted though, I didn't have any spells so everything went well and I got to Candace's before seven.
I knocked on her door and rang the bell, there wasn't any answer and I didn't notice any lights on. More than anything, this is why I know now I should've sent word ahead. I was a bit concerned that maybe she was out with Sam or something, but knowing she liked spending time in her garden I decided to check there first before I left. I made my way around to her gate and called out her name hoping she was back there. As I reached the gate, her cat jumped up to the top of the fence and scared the crap out of me.
When I regained my composure, I turned my attention back to the cat who was looking down on me. It felt as figurative as it was literal. Remembering Candace speaking to him so directly the other night, I found myself doing the same. "Is Candace around?" I asked. The cat regarded me coolly for a moment, and then he jumped back down behind the fence.
I felt silly having asked, it's not like he actually understood me. But when I opened the gate, there he was on the other side waiting expectantly. As soon as I saw him, he stood up, turned and walked back into the yard. His tail raised, and the tip flicked forward like a finger beckoning me to follow. If I were to think he was reacting to me intelligently, I'd be more inclined to think he was mooning me.
Either way, I followed. That was the way I wanted to go anyway. And sure enough I rounded the corner of the house to find Candace busily working on her garden. It was odd, being so late, but I guess if its the only thing she's got to keep herself busy... Anyway, the cat walked up to her and rubbed along the side of one of her legs. She looked down and followed the cat's gaze back to me.
I apologized for showing up unannounced, but asked if we could talk. Candace was gracious for my company and said I was welcome anytime. She said she was needing to clean up and make dinner anyway, she hadn't realized how late it was. So I helped her clean up and then we went in.
She asked what was on my mind, and I said I was curious her thoughts on Max. Turns out my fears were for not, Candace said she really enjoyed having Max's company and was looking forward to having her over on Friday to watch a movie. She was curious about Halloween and was interested in taking part in our costume, but she was more concerned with Sam.
Which is where we got to talking about him. It seems Sam is less enthusiastic about Candace joining us for Halloween. I didn't understand and said as much, so she explained that Sam was concerned about her safety. He was worried that she'd get lost, and other sorts of lame excuses. I explained that she'd be with Max and I, and that we had even discussed including Sam so he could be there as well. Candace knew, and had said as much to Sam herself, at least about being with Max and I. She said he just shook his head and said she couldn't understand.
I told her she was her own woman, she didn't need Sam's permission or even his approval to join us. She nodded and agreed, but she said she had a feeling that Sam was important, that he was protecting her. I asked, "protecting you from what?" She just shook her head, she didn't know. It was just a feeling she had.
With my own feelings being a source of concern, I didn't want to dismiss her's. But I remembered that Dr. Laurie had said I needed to justify them. So as tactfully as I could, I asked her what made her feel that way. She said she wasn't fully sure, that it wasn't any one thing. She said that when she left her property she felt vulnerable. Like someone was looking for her. I asked if she had had that feeling when we walked to the park, and she admitted that she had. But she didn't have that feeling in the back yard.
So I asked about when we went shopping, and she said no. She said when Sam was around she felt protected, safe. But when I probed about Sam's actions, she said that part of her feelings were based on his own actions. He was protective of her, always looking out for her and checking in on her. It was his behavior when he was around, the way he checked the property and all the locks, how he checked in on her every day. He'd ask if anyone had stopped by, which usually no one did. But she remembered one time some people had stopped by offering to talk to her about Jehovah.
I laughed immediately recognizing the Jehovah's Witnesses, which seemed to unsettle her. I explained that they were just missionaries looking to save her soul, that they were generally harmless. That seemed to put her at ease, but she explained that when she told Sam about them, he went into overdrive wanting to know everything about them, everything she could remember. Their descriptions, their clothing, what they said, when they stopped by, everything. Candace handed him the magazine they'd left her and then he took off. When he came back later that day, he said they wouldn't be bothering her again.
Candace seemed sincere about Sam being a source of safety for her, so I didn't want to press on his actions too much. But I do find them concerning. Being protective of another person is perfectly understandable, particularly if they are vulnerable like Candace is with her amnesia. Even more so if the person is familiar, a friend, or family. I suspect compounding that protective feeling is having so recently lost his brother, Eli. So I am compassionate about Sam being protective of Candace, and I think it's noble for him to take care of her as he has. But I think I've mentioned before that I feel he's being overly protective.
For him to get her groceries once in a while is fine. But doing so all the time keeps her at home. She's not able to go out and learn to care for herself. Thinking back over these last few months, and I have to admit I don't know everything Candace has done over this time. But the only times I know of her leaving her house was in Sam's company. With the one exception of us going to the park, and Sam wasn't happy about that.
We chatted lightly while having dinner, and I used the time to think. I don't want to interfere with her relationship with her brother-in-law, especially if he helps her to feel safe. But I do want to help make her a bit more self reliant. And thinking about how I had come over unannounced, I got to thinking about her having a phone of her own again. We hadn't stopped by any cell stores while we were out shopping, I was more concerned about making sure Candace had some appropriate clothing. But then I realized, she should have her own landline here at the house.
Sure enough, with a cursory scan of the room I found a wall phone right next to her fridge where the kitchen meets the living room. It was a simple phone, there was no voice mail option or machine hooked up to it, just buttons and receiver. When I picked it up there was a dial tone. Candace was watching me with curiosity, but she seemed confused when I said her phone worked. She didn't know what it was for, but said that every once in a while it made a godawful ringing noise that she escaped by going outside.
Let me interrupt here in my retelling. I know she has amnesia, and far be it for me to claim I'm some sort of expert in the area, but my understanding was that amnesia just affected a persons memories and identity. It didn't affect their skills, or their ability to use tools and interact with the world around them. So an amnesic person should be able to accurately climb into a car, turn it on, and drive away as they always had. They just won't remember which car is their own. For Candace to not know what a phone is, or how to use it, or her inability to use the TV remote, these things strike me as indicating something more than just amnesia.
Of course the other possibility is that she's just never used them or had them before. Which in today's world seems ridiculous. Possible, but highly unlikely. But if she's a dancer, she'd need to know how to use technology enough for any music player she might have had, many of which would have a remote. Getting to and from gigs would require transportation, planning such things would require information technology. How is it that she'd have lost those basic everyday skills?
I might have to do some research and see if amnesia can affect those things. I'm not privy to what's said between her and her doctor, which is how it should be. But now I'm curious and really want to know. I asked her about it, hoping maybe she'd be able to fill me in, but she said her doctor was happy with her progress. She didn't indicate anything specific about her condition, only that he expected her memories to return in time. But he hadn't recommended her to any other doctors that might specialize in that area, nor did he offer her any exercises for recovering memories.
Anyway, back to her phone. I then taught her how to use it. She didn't even know her phone number, and couldn't produce any phone bills that might have it. At the time I didn't think about it, but she's been there since late August, she should have received at least one bill if not two. So now I'm curious about why the phone even worked.
So I just dialed my own number, which brought her number up on my phone. It allowed me to save her number and now I can call her directly. Then I called it back just to make sure, and when her phone rang, Candace was initially startled and demanded to know what I had done. Process of learning I guess. She still doesn't like the noise, but she knows what it means. And knowing that she had been called before, I let her know about telemarketers and scammers and everything else. So she knows that if she doesn't recognize the person she's talking to, she'll hang up. And then I had her call me so she could see it in action.
She was thrilled to learn, and once she had she found she was no longer scared of the ring. So then we turned our attention to how to use the TV remote. As many times as I've visited, the TV was never really used. She knew how to turn it on and off, but since she'd started that garden she hadn't even touched the remote. I had programmed it to record the tournament, but that was it.
So we went over it, and she got it this time. At the hospital everyone just make the same basic assumption as me, that here's the remote and she'd know what to do. She never did. Pushing all the buttons had done nothing until she turned it on, and then pushing the same button turned it off. She'd not experimented with hitting any of the other buttons because they hadn't done anything in the first place.
So now she knows, which is good. With winter coming she's not going to be able to continue working on her garden. Another hobby wouldn't be bad, but being able to watch TV would be nice.
I'm dragging on now. That was pretty much my night, what happened was that we were able to have an open discussion without Sam around. I'm happy for her that she feels safe, that's important when things are as uncertain as I'm sure they are for her. But I find myself revisiting my concerns about the two of them that I've always had. There's something about Sam that strikes me as odd, and overprotective doesn't fully explain it. Not that being overprotective is okay either. I didn't ask Candace to keep her phone use secret, but if she doesn't tell Sam, I won't either.
It was getting late at that point, so I called Mom and asked if she could come get me. She was happy to do so, but didn't know the route and had to google it. It was also nice to have Mom and Candace meet properly outside the hospital.
Tomorrow would normally be my day off, but I'll be working so I can take the weekend off. It'll also be the 6th day in a row. So I'm going to get to bed now, especially after being up so late last night.
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