I want the story to be about the way things are

This is difficult to do, because the story is in large part telling about what happens after the fall of O Véu and the return of the fae. These are big things, but I wanted them to happen gradually. The way I was doing this was perhaps too gradual. I knew I wanted things to take time, but I struggled with feeling they were taking too long and having too much revealed when I would mention what all was happening. I used Halvis to help reveal some of what was happening outside Rawiya's little world, and I feel I went overboard with him.

But that slow change was what was supposed to help me lay out the way things were. And I feel looking over things that I failed in that regard. I didn't emphasis the worldly problems we already have, in particular global warming and the rise of fascism. I was focused too much on Rawiya's day to day life, and to be fair that's kind of what a journal format leads too. If anything, this is why I'm rethinking the format I want to use. I hoped that people would already be aware of the larger issues at hand, and that I could simply mention them in passing to help keep my story grounded in reality without having to dwell on them.

I was hoping though for reader interaction. I felt that using a blog format might encourage people to interact with the journal and maybe even to interact with Rawiya personally. But honestly I wasn't even really getting readers to begin with, much less the readers that might want to respond. I had hoped that having people who interacted with my story would give me a way to incorporate more friends than just that of Max.

My greater dreams was that people might incorporate the ideas presented into their own stories that would make the whole thing alive. People making up stories (or even relating actual experiences that they had) telling about encountering weird things that might be explained by the fae. I'd even incorporated an experience of my own as one such odd occurrence.

In any case, the main elements in my story of "the way things are" was Rawiya's family and long standing friend Max. But as I already mentioned, I didn't want them to be distractions so I took them for granted and kept them at a distance.

Dad is a hard working man who keeps busy and is usually at work. Mom was more the homemaker, but I didn't want her to be so limited, so she had a history of work elsewhere that I touched upon. I wanted the feeling that she was a homemaker but where able she'd help out at various public programs. I wanted her to be an artist I think and to have ties with the community.

Efe was a nickname I'd given to Rawiya's brother. I never did come up with a proper name, but kinda felt I didn't need to. He was off serving, which gave me a good excuse to not mention him very often, but I wanted to keep his ties strong, which was why I'd tried to maintain some letter writing and the occasional phone call. I wanted to use his position in the service to provide some contact with what the military was doing in response to everything that was going on. But I knew this would be difficult, mostly due to lack of contact when things did happen, and his inability to report on anything. In my introductory letter I only mentioned Fayette's Aunt and Uncle, I had purposely left that vague because I wasn't sure which Aunt or Uncle Fayette would spend most of her years with, or even whether Efe would survive.

Which leaves Batel, who's in college at the time of the writing of the journals. I wanted Batel to have a relatively normal life, and to be able to provide a personal touch to the oddities that people would be experiencing over the coming years. It'd give me a way to express things happening elsewhere while keeping the important bits happening in the immediate. To that end I had hoped that Batel would travel after graduating college. And to be honest I was leaning on her being the Aunt and mother of the cousins that Fayette is "currently" playing with.

Max is the one who I kept close, she was Rawiya's best friend as of the writing of the journals. But of course she was going to college while Rawiya was working and saving up to do the same. This gave them somewhat strained contact, Rawiya had weekdays off regularly while Max schooled during the week. So I tried to work in a break between classes that would allow Max to join Rawiya for lunch once in a while.

I wanted Max to be an opposite to Rawiya. Where Rawiya is reserved and quiet, I wanted Max to be outrageous and boisterous. I wanted Rawiya to be scared and uncertain, I wanted her to grow from that. And I wanted Max to be adventurous and self assured. So when something was happening in the mountains, Max had to be the one to go check it out.

I feel I didn't give Max as much of a spotlight as I should have, and I mentioned this before. So I was constantly trying to find some way to bring her into the story. I still do whenever I think about this.

In my head I see Max as a freckled red head with a mischievous smile. I see her tall to Rawiya, but not necessarily tall in a more general sense of things. Merida springs to mind as I write this. I see her as outgoing and perpetually in the company of a different boyfriend. To me she has a magnetic personality, people want to be around her. But she is uncompromising and unwilling to settle, and so people get hurt. Max just moves on, and doesn't look back.

These were the people that I wanted to establish Rawiya's life with, they were her foundation. Which is why I feel I do them a disservice by keeping them all so distance. It felt like I'd already moved on from them, and wasn't giving me the ability to move on.

I have this story I want to tell

I wanted to tell the story through the eyes of Rawiya, someone who has a unique perspective on events as they unfold. To that end I wanted her to be able to see things that other people cannot. In order to explain this I came up with the idea that she had a tumor growing in or near her visual cortex that altered her ability to see. I wanted her to be able to see things that noone else could, to see the fae that normally remain hidden from people unless they want to be seen. The idea was that this tumors presence made is so that whatever magic the fae use to hide wouldn't work on her. She could see the fae, but she could also see through their illusions.

The fae though have not existed amongst us for a very long time. It's not like they just went into hiding and never revealed themselves, 'cause there are ways to find them. They were made simply not physically present. And so people couldn't just not see them, they couldn't even find the fae when they looked. Over the generations, the idea of the fae faded to myth and legend, and today the common person knows only a fairy tale version of the fae, something so different that when the fae do show up they still aren't recognized for what they truly are.

Because of this, when Rawiya first starts seeing the fae, she wouldn't know what she was seeing. Nor would she have ever seen them before because they weren't there before. This would be a new thing for her, and because noone else around her would be able to see it she couldn't be sure she wasn't just hallucinating. So I also wanted to suggest that the tumor might cause her to hallucinate, if not just make it difficult for her to make sense of what she were seeing, or to simply cause her to go blind. I wanted her to be unsure of what she was seeing, unable to trust that it was real.

If Rawiya is going to be the central perspective, I needed to give her a family and a life. I was using a journal format, so I felt she didn't need to write down her full name all the time if ever. So I've never actually given her a surname, or even a middle name. Even her parents have just been Mom and Dad. I don't know if that's a bad thing but if I want to change the format of the story, to tell it in a different way, I may have to come up with those things.

And Rawiya has two siblings, a brother whose nickname is Efe, and sister Batel. I didn't want them to feel unimportant, but didn't want them to be a distraction to the main story, so they were both older and had gone off, Efe was army or navy I think while Batel was in college.

Rawiya needed to have an established life, which included friends. Again, not many, so Max was her one good friend. But I fear I am not presenting Max as important enough as she should be for being Rawiya's best friend. I lean on the idea that Rawiya's life is moving on from the simplicity of High School, and so her ability to interact with her friend is more limited. I don't know if that's a mistake or not, and so I've been wondering how else I can bring Max into the story.

Since my format was to present this as a journal, I didn't want to spend too much time describing Rawiya. I mean, if you are writing a journal, are you going to spend your time describing yourself or are you just going to take your appearance for granted since it's not a novel for others to read? As such, I left Rawiya's description to be addressed in comparison to others. So an so is taller than me, has lighter skin than me, or darker skin than me. I got new clothes today, a blouse, jeans, or a cute vest. I've never met someone with darker hair than mine, but Candace's takes the cake. But I worry I spent so much time on that that I was giving the impression that girls spend all their time caring about their appearance. An impression that I didn't necessarily want.

I wanted the story to start with an important event, so I chose the eclipse that was set to happen that year in August. A date, amusingly enough, that has significance to my own life completely unrelated to the story. I always worried that readers who knew me might think I'd picked that date because of it's relation to my life, but the honest answer was no, it was simply when the full lunar eclipse was set to happen.

The idea that I wanted to reveal was that the lunar eclipse was a targeted event, used to invoke magic that would break down the barrier that had separated the fae from our world. But of course I wanted that revealed to the reader as it was revealed to Rawiya, so no immediate explanation was given. Though I think I handled it poorly and heavy handedly with Halvis. I think I used him to reveal too much too soon.

Since Rawiya's tumor effected her in a magical way, the idea I was running with was that the magic involved in tearing down this barrier (O Véu) was so spectacular that it cause Rawiya to pass out, and continued to effect her for a week afterward. As such my story, her journal, opened with her waking in the hospital and spent a week or so there while they ran tests on her because she was continuing to have issues. Not only with her dizzy spells, but bad enough that she couldn't gain her sense of balance to even stand up and walk.

This also gave me time to introduce a couple of other characters who I wanted to be important to all this. Candace, who I wanted to become a close friend of Rawiya's, and Halvis who shortly after would become her boyfriend.

...

Well over 6 months and I haven't been able to keep up with anything. My work hours changed, my living arrangement changed, and all the free time I had to be able to work on this dried up. And when I could find some free time, I wouldn't work on this because I couldn't get an entry done in that amount of time. I Just kept hoping that things would free back up and I could start doing an entry a day.

It finally hit me that that's not going to happen, and my all or nothing attitude toward working on this has been toxic and completely unproductive.

So, I'm starting over. Not with the story, I want to tell this like I have been. But I'm tossing that attitude. I will work on this when I get the chance, and I will do what I can with what time I have. And if it takes me a week to get an entry up, then it takes me a week. That's what it took for me to get the entry up I did the other day. I may never catch up, not without some support, but that's okay. At least I'll tell the story, and hopefully some day I may be able to finish it.

I apologize to anyone who might have been reading this, I'm sorry my attitude so affected my ability to keep this going. Hopefully having kicked the attitude to the curb I'll be able to start working on this again. It'll be slow, and there's no reason for me to think I'll have any regularity in publishing, but it'll come. And if things open up for me again, I'll take advantage of that.

An idea I had had was to maybe do some telling of what's going on. Like a post, not a journal entry, but a post in which I tell you guys about someone, or some aspect of the story. Just as a way to help maybe paint a picture of what's going on or those who are involved. I had hoped that these things would be revealed in Rawiya's journal, but with an extended rejection of work I fear I've lost that focus. If anyone would like that let's take advantage of it, ask me questions. Something you don't understand? Ask. It's not like I'm going to give everything away, but if I'm not clear about something, this is a good way to let me know. And then I can help clear things up either through Rawiya's Journal, or in a post of my own depending on what was appropriate.

To sum up, I apologize for leaving this story and you all hanging. I've come to realize that I'm being a poor story teller and I'm going to change that. Please bear with me, and thank you for your patience and readership.

another general note

Well, it's taken me much longer to get things in order than I had though it would, and I apologize. Though I didn't receive any comments, so as near as I can tell I'm apologizing to the æther. Either way, I am still working on things, and I think progress on this story might be halting for a little while longer. I will try and update when I can, keep me from getting too far behind. And when I can start working on this more regularly I'd like to think I'll be able to catch back up and even get myself ahead again.

If there's more than just the æther out there, thank you for reading, and thank you for your continued patience.

April 3rd, 2018

My arms feel like noodles, noodles made of jello. Sam had mentioned yesterday that he'd wanted my help with something today. What he wanted was to get me familiar with working with him at the forge. Not just the modern tools, he had be pumping bellows all day.

Well, okay, not all day. Shortly before lunch somebody came driving up to the garage as we were working. It surprised me, I didn't think people would just drive up here, and so I hesitated and Sam gave me a disappointing look until he realized my attention was elsewhere. To my relief we could walk away from what we were doing and come back to it later.

The guy that had drove up was one of Sam's regular clients, Mark something or other. He seemed nice enough, though he couldn't stop looking at me and held on to my hand uncomfortably long when we shook. Sam had to ask him twice what he needed before Mark finally let go of me.

Mark said one of his horses had thrown a shoe and was hoping Sam would be able to get out to his place sometime soon to help take care of that. He also asked about when Sam would be able to get to his commission. Sam told me later that Mark wants him to create a piece to hang on his barn. Even though Sam has been up front about how much time his current piece would take, Mark keeps trying to get him to drop it and start on his commission. From the sound of things Mark can be insistent, on the verge of not taking no for an answer, but he pays well so Sam puts up with how rude he could be. He's also a notorious womanizer, Sam had discovered just this last year.

Anyway, Sam gave in a bit to Mark's pushiness and so tomorrow we'll head out to reshoe the horse since we'll be out shopping anyway. And while we're there he can take measurements and details for Marks commission. Sam did make sure to remind Mark three times that we still had a lot of work left to do on his current piece and wouldn't be able to start another for some time yet. Despite Mark's "oh yea, of course, of course," I still don't think he heard.

Since this had stopped us and it was so close to lunch, Sam and I took a break after Mark left to eat. That was when we discussed Mark, but Sam also took the chance to tell me about some of the book keeping chores he'd need me to do as a more regular duty. It struck me today who I was sitting eating lunch with. Generally at the museum I was eating alone, except on the days that Hal or Max visited. I don't think I've spent this much time around Sam before, and it reminded me of some of the issues I've had with him and how he treats Candace. I know he means well, and he seems genuinely concerned and a nice guy. I'm just not sure why he does some of the things he does.

He loves to talk about his work, and I kinda get the feeling that he doesn't have anyone to talk about these things with. He's passionate about his work, and it shows. I know when we're all together he doesn't say much at all, and it gives him this quiet private person type vibe. But out at the forge, sitting there eating lunch with him, he could just go on and on. And it's contagious, he makes me excited to see the finished product as well. We lost track of time while we were eating, but since we don't clock in or out Sam wasn't bothered by it. Which is good since he's the boss.

Anyway, he showed me the books and Marks account since we had just talked with him. There was nothing to do with them now, but at least this way I'm familiar with where things are. And it gave my arms a chance to rest before heading back to the bellows. At least I wasn't swinging the hammer, it's no wonder Sam's arms are as big as they are.

We ran a little late finishing up. Sam apologized but said sometimes that happens and hoped I was okay with it. I reminded him that my only other responsibility was to be there for Candace, and that was a responsibility given to me by him. But I did mention that should anything else come up I'd be sure to let him know. And then I remembered that my brother was planning on being in town in a couple of weeks and that I'll be wanting to be able to spend some time with him. Sam was cool with that, and if he's always this easy going I think I'll like working for him.

Anyway, I'm home now and writing down thoughts for Efe's letter. Just getting out what to say and how to say it, not even an official draft. I know I'll have to tell him my new address, and that means explaining why. I'm just not sure how much detail I need to go into. And of course there's Hal and I, which again I'm not sure how to summarize. The problem with both of those things is that I can't seem to say anything without there being a conspicuous omission. But I can't not say anything about em, otherwise he'll come home wanting to know what's wrong. I don't want to not send anything, and I don't want to just say "see ya when you get here." I want to tell him about the new job though too, which would also require some explaining.

If it takes me too long to do this the letter won't get to him in time anyway.

I can hear Candace getting around. I should get something started if I want anything to eat before I go to bed.

April 2nd, 2018

Not an hour after I'd finished my journal last night and Mom calls up to say she'd received a letter for me from Efe. It was already getting late so she didn't want to bring it to me then, but wanted to know when I'd be home after work today so she could drop it off. That's why I didn't make any note last night, I didn't have his letter in hand to say anything about it, but I do now!

Sounds like he's doing good, but he said things have been tesnse lately and he's not sure how to explain it. He says they've been running extra security checks and drills as though the higher ups are expecting something, but otherwise everything seems fine. He did confirm hearing about Smithwick, but it hadn't registered to him at the time so he didn't pay attention. Now that I've brought it to his attention, Efe said he'd ask around.

He expresses concern about my hallucinations and asked a lot of questions, especially about things I had specifically avoided telling him. I'm not sure how I'm going to answer some of his questions, but the others about what the doctors are saying and stuff I can be more up front about. Of course there is the delay in correspondence, so as much as anything he's just asking for an update knowing I'd have been taking care of things.

Then of course he asks about the museum and how my job is going. I'm not sure how I'm going to tell him about that without explaining why and sounding crazy. Although it sounds like I may not have to worry about it. Efe's put in for leave for the week of Dad and Batel's birthday. He'll miss Mom's birthday, but he always tries to come home that week because all their birthdays are so close. I could just not write back and he'll be arriving about the time I'd be getting a response from him anyway.

No, I should write something at least, even if it's a "looking forward to seeing you, we'll talk then."

It is nice to hear from him, and other than the stress of drilling all the time it sounds like he's having fun. He still can't tell me where he is, but he must be near civilization because he mentioned being able to visit town with his buddies more than once. As always he's frustratingly vague with the things they're doing, and I suppose that's how he'd feel if I avoided answering his questions.

I'm stewing on what I should write back, or if I should write back. So I haven't even pulled out any paper yet.

As for my day today, it was much easier. At least, getting into the swing of things. We'd moved most of the stuff out of Sam's shed Friday, so today I spent time cleaning the shed out and working out how and where to put things back in. Once I got to contemplate everything, and how little that shed was, I started wondering where it all came from. Sam says it was all in the shed, but I just don't see how. And he wants me to get it all back in there.

So while I was cleaning the shed out, which consisted of using a broom to clean up the cobwebs and brush down the walls before sweeping it out. It's not like we're going to prepare food in there, but I couldn't believe how much dust and mud made its way in. I let my mind ponder the question of how to organize everything and get it all back in. There was a shelf in the back that I cleaned off, and I realized it was just some sheet metal propped up on some wall hooks. The hooks themselves were adjustable, fitting into a series of mounts that I found all around the shed. I asked Sam while we ate lunch if he'd would be willing to cut up some of that sheet metal so I could make more shelving, and he said that was a great idea. Most of the metal is scrap anyway, stuff he uses for spare when he needs.

After lunch I found a pencil and some paper and started making notes for how big I'd want the shelves to be, and found a measuring tape among his tools so I could give him numbers. Then I set about organizing all his stuff into piles so I could get an idea of what would be going back into the shed. Most of the sheet metal and scraps I think we can slide under the shed. It's propped up off the ground anyway, so there's room. And I found a couple of metal barrels that are empty, if we can get them into the shed and cut the tops off they can store more stuff. Stand up the bars and fence posts in one, and use the other for smaller scraps and chunks that don't stack so easily.

I found so many pliers, I'm starting to wonder if Sam buys a new pair every month or so because he can't find the others. I'm going to put up nails to hang them off all over the place so he always has a pair handy. And I'd say something similar about his hammers, except all the hammers are different and they look much more well cared for... and used. So those I'll have to dedicate some space for and organize.

I remembered as I was thinking things through of seeing inside Max's Dad's garage. We didn't usually go in there, not much reason to, but he had a peg board on which he hung a lot of his tools. I think I'm going to do that against one of the walls, and we can use nails for pegs since he's got so many. Sam thought that was a good idea too, but confessed that he didn't have any peg board. So after that I started using my note paper to make a list of everything I wanted, and when it was time to go I presented it to Sam. He checked off everything he had, or could manage, and said we'll have to go shopping for the rest.

I was a little embarrassed to be spending his money for him, but Sam said it was perfectly fine. He said he's got something he needs my help with tomorrow, but Wednesday we can go shopping and pick most of that stuff up.

To be honest, I was surprised how fast the day went by. I worked, but it didn't feel like I'd done all that much. Next thing I knew Sam was knocking on the side of the shed to get my attention and it was time to clean up to go. I was apologetic about asking him to buy things, and about not getting anything put back in the shed, and then as I start apologizing for not being ready to go he just starts laughing. It didn't make me feel the greatest, but Sam reminded me that this wasn't an office job and he wasn't ticking off my tasks. He knew this was a big job, and if it was going to get organized right, it'd take time. As long as I wasn't walking around talking on my phone instead of working, he was happy. Did I mention we don't get any cell service out there?

As early as we started, it felt like I had all afternoon to myself once I got home. Candace was in bed when I got there and I had a few hours before she got around. In fact I was able to surprise her with breakfast when she got up for a change. I didn't cook anywhere near as well as she does, but she ate my pancakes and didn't even mention how dark they were. She seemed a little grumpy though, and I offered an apology for waking her up. She just shook her head and said it was fine, that it was nice waking up to the smell of my pancakes.

It feels odd having to go to bed while the sun's still up. I know it'll pass behind the mountains soon, and that makes it a bit easier, but I'm just so used to not even thinking about bed until it was dark. Probably why I'm still sitting here writing even though I should be in bed.

March 31st, 2018

It's been a while since Hal and I had spent time together, intimately, and last night it showed. With all the changes happening and everything going on... And it felt great, such a release. But at the same time, things were different. I don't think Hal noticed it, but I did. We were caught up in the moment, and that might explain things. Our last time was over two weeks ago, which was also our last date.

Either way, it meant that I didn't get home last night, so I'm actually writing this journal entry late. We hadn't planned on me staying there.

Yesterday morning Max came over and helped me go through the last of my stuff. As quickly as I packed up and moved out, it sure seems to be taking forever to unpack. Though really, it's mostly small stuff and memories at this point. Things I need to decide if I want to keep or toss. Considering how long Max and I have been friends, and how close we've been, this was a trip down memory lane for the both of us. So we really only got through one box.

Max had been curious about how things went with Sam on Friday, and now she really wants to visit and see his place for herself. I had thought he'd have already showed her, but I guess not. Of course I mentioned my ruined clothes and needing to get some new outfits if I was going to work at Sam's forge. Max is always thrilled to go shopping, and when we came out of my room we found Candace up and about and invited her to join us. Usually we'd go to the mall, but this time we found ourselves at Rockmount Ranch Wear. The three of us looked way out of place, considering, but then this is Colorado so no one really mentioned it. Anyway, I am now the proud owner of some proper jeans, a couple of flannel shirts, and some gloves my size that could still probably fit within the gloves I'd borrowed from Sam on Friday. The lady at the register seemed amused by our excitement at my new job.

Afterward we got some lunch, which was when Hal texted. He had come over like I had suggested only to find us not answering the door. I was happy to have him come join us, but Max and Candace boxed up our lunches, paid our bill, and had me home so fast my head was spinning. They practically dumped me in Hal's arms and said they'd put my work clothes on my bed.

Hal hadn't had anything to eat, so I actually ended up getting two lunches yesterday, though I hadn't eaten much of my first and didn't get much for my second. We had a nice afternoon, and while there was no planned date, I think we both needed it to be. Hal had even called up Brigida and asked if they could skip a week. He was expecting her to be harder to convince, but she just said okay and asked if everything was alright. Hal admitted that he was just looking to spend some time with me, and Brigida was cool with it. I guess Hal and I were both expecting things to be like at the museum.

We rented a movie, but we didn't watch it. Still fell asleep on the couch though. Not complaining at all. Like I said, it was a good night.

This morning we got around, took a shower, had breakfast. It felt comfortable, nice. And I spent the whole time thinking about how he wasn't telling me about what he'd been doing with The Order, or his classes, or if they'd found anything recently. Only to then realize I wasn't telling him anything about working for Sam now, what we'd done at his shop, my dizzy spell. I mean, I can't tell him about the stables, and that was awkward enough considering when we were both at the museum we could talk about the things we weren't supposed to tell anyone else about. But I'm just so used to us talking, and we weren't.

It didn't feel like we needed to. We just weren't.

Maybe that was what was different about last night.

Leave it up to me to be concerned about something that felt so good.

While we had the morning together, I did need to get home since I didn't have a change of clothes. He still had my over night bag from his last place, so that was good at least. And he needed to work on his school stuff. So he brought me home and dropped me off. I've been doing laundry and putting yesterday's shopping away. I was worried about waking Candace, but she seemed to sleep through it. She's just starting to get around now and was wondering what I wanted for dinner.

I don't think I'll do a journal for tonight, unless something comes up in the next few hours. I do need to get to bed soon though if Sam's going to be picking me up again before dawn. It'll be the first day of a whole work week, and during the typical work week no less. I'm actually kind of excited by that.